Am I being too harsh?

[feelingpositivemum]

I am currently divorcing ExH and occasionally post on here if struggling.

I am really struggling with something that happened 10 yrs ago.

I had my 20 week scan with my 3rd DC and he was found to have severe spina bifida and hydrocephalus. We both decided to terminate the pregnancy (the absolute worst decision to make in my life).

After our appt, my ExH (my DH then) said that he didn't want to be at the hospital all day so could I ring when I was ready to give birth and he would come in. In the event, he went for lunch with an old friend/client and my midwife called him, couldn't get hold of him, swore a bit then he arrived. I had a DS and it broke my heart.

A month later, I had retained products, was haemorrhaging, spoke to the GP over phone who said go to A&E. DH (?),was working at computer and I drove myself to A&E, and drove home. The next day, I had to go back in for surgery so he dropped me off and picked me up afterwards. Again the midwife was very unimpressed.

I was so so depressed by the whole event, that it didn't occur to me to be angry by his unsupportiveness. Also, was a hideous relationship anyway.

Now I have left and am coming to terms with lots of what happened, I have become so angry with this particular event. It is eating me up.

Am I expecting too much, I know some men struggle with the whole pregnancy thing until baby lands in their arms.

Was this a unforgiveable thing?

Maybe I need some perspective, was he just being thoughtless.

(Please don't comment on termination, anyone disagreeing can't throw at me what I haven't already thought),

I have one comment to make

It was unforgiveable what he did, and you are better off without an absolute twat like that.

I'm so sorry, he was completely unsupportive and in unpolite terms an arsehole.

When you say he was at the computer you mean he was there at home with you but didn't drive you to the hospital?

It sounds horrific and I am so, so sorry you had to go through the trauma of loosing your darling son without support.

I am glad you are seperated.

Thoughtless doesn't really cover the way he behaved.

Yes he may have had problems dealing with it but when you needed him there for support he wasn't.

HAving to drive yourself to A&E would be truly unforgivable for me.

Remember the midwife's reactions.

If it is eating you up then you do need some help with coming to terms with it.

Thanks everyone, I am having counselling at the moment and I think I will bring it up at next meeting.

I think I have buried how unutterably lonely I was at that time and it is all coming to the fore now I am out of the relationship.

Really, I'm hoping someone will say it was reasonable behaviour and I can maybe cope with it then.

Why the hell didn't I have the wherewith all to leave then. Where was my spine?

What everyone else has said. What an arse leaving you to deal with something like that on your own

You're way better off without him.

What if, though, he thought that I was 'capable' and able to cope on my own. On some other threads, there have been arguments put forward that DH/P's feel they have nothing to add, and revert to work (from home, hence sitting at computer at home when I went to A&E)in times of crisis. Maybe, I'm not justified in being angry, maybe he just didn't realise I needed support. (His argument).

You were depressed and very vunerable, nobody would expect you to have the means to leave after loosing your son and having 2 other children.

But you have done it now because you are stronger and ready.

I hope the counselling helps to ease all this.

You are justified.

Seriously.

Behaviour like that when you were at your lowest and most vulnerable is an absolute dealbreaker.

Never mind how long it took to come to that realisatin, the point is, you have.

Stop listening to his point of view. He is never going to understand how much you needed him, how he didn't step up.

Agree to disagee and move on.

OK, forget the emotions, look at it, momentarily from a medical point of view, it is not my intention to disrespect you or the memory of your son but am trying to show youhow wrong he was ...

You underwent something very physical, very painful, you had complications, bleeding and had to undergo another operation.

Now if your husband went through the same sort of thing with say his pancreas, would you have left him to drive there alone?

Would you have carried on working?

No, I suspect not,

now add to that a great, great emotional strain, bereavement, loss, anguish.

I can't see why anybody, anywhere would leave their spouse to go through that alone.

Please stop trying to justify his actions, its impossible to do so.

You have my absolute sympathy, I am so sorry you had to go through that on your own and I am not surprised it is eating you up.

You are doing the right thing by recognising the feelings now and it is not too late to do something about them so you can come to terms with them.

Your exH sounds like an absolute cock.

Thankyou, those are some very useful points and I will try to come to terms with it.

It has surprised me really that these feelings have flared up and I think they must have been 'put to one side' all this time.

Hopefully, I will be able to lay it to rest.

Any man who could behave in that dispicable manner wasn't fit to be called a husband.
He let you down at one of the pivotal moments of your life, when you needed his absolute unwavering support, love and care.

brilliant post, dis.

if it did not occur to him as a sentient adult and father , that you might need his support whilst you had to deliver a child you knew would not live, then he is a selfish twunt of the highest order, and i forbid you to feel guilty or to make excuses for his behaviour a moment longer.

am so sorry you went through this, essentially alone

feelingpositive -

Really, I'm hoping someone will say it was reasonable behaviour and I can maybe cope with it then.

It's OK to feel angry - anger is an emotion that is justifiable in this situation. It does not need to be destructive. Anger is energy ! Actually, I think it's a really good sign that you are angry. Depression is seen by many as anger turned inwards.

But you can move on from the anger, and hopefully the counselling will help you to do that.

I think disenchanted makes a very important point, and I'd like to add another one that I don't think has been mentioned.

His behaviour is not, in any way, your fault. Asking 'where was my spine?' is not helpful, it's like you're turning this around on yourself.

He is a selfish, heartless, emotionally stunted twat. You, on the other hand, are simply a normal, loving mother who is/was trying her best to deal with a terrible situation. His fuckwittery is not your fault, and not your problem. (any more)

Forget wondering why you didn't leave sooner. You're rid of him now, that is all that matters. You will become stronger each day, he has to live with what an arsehole he is his whole life.

And may I add to the voices that are saying that what he did was not normal behaviour, or even vaguely forgivable.

I think you know that what he did was not reasonable or forgiveable. The problem is, if you acknowledge quite how awful it was, you then have to try to handle the emotions that this acceptance will cause. Anger at him and at yourself for letting it pass without putting the selfish fucker under the patio.

It is healthy that this thing is asking to be dealt with now - you have kept it suppressed for a long time because it was too hard to deal with and maybe because your day to day life was hard enough without having to deal with that as well. So now you are nearly ready but are understandably concerned about how it will make you feel- sorry but no one here will give you the get out that what he did wasn't so bad. It was.

I'm sure your counselling will help but if I were you I would pour myself a big glass of wine and write him a letter calling him every name under the sun and describing how selfish and useless he was in painstaking detail and tell him how he let you down. Cry about it if you need to.
Then burn it. Very therapeutic.

You are not being harsh.

You went through what must be one of the hardest things a woman can go through.

And you went through it alone.

Your exdh is a selfish twat. He does not even deserve the title man, because he is not a man.

You deserve better.

fantastic post mrsb

Good idea mrsb.

And at the risk of sounding flippant, my DS1 has a very good way of expressing HIS anger at the boy who bullies him. He draws pictures of him being blown up by complicated Penelope Pitstop-like devices then rips them up .

Thanks everyone.

MrsB, I agree, having to accept how utterly useless he was, how totally hurtful and humiliating when the midwives were appalled feels like more than I can bear. I have been able to grieve for my DS and I struggle to think that I may have to go to those places again.

But, it is something I need to address, if only because I do have to maintain a relationship of some sort with him for the children.

I will settle the children, grab a glass of wine and get writing. Very tempting to send it though..and I may well get drawing too.

Best of luck feelingpositive

I am so sorry that you had to go through experiences like that and deal with such an utter, utter twat of a husband at the same time. You have every right to be angry, my ex was similarly unsupportive although in less appalling circumstances ( I had an antenatal appointment I went to with my mum because he 'couldn't' take the time off work, I was diagnosed with placenta praevia, given a great big lecture about the seriousness of starting to bleed, told that both myself and the baby might die. Understandably I was pretty upset. I went home and told him all this, not once did he tear his eyes away from the snooker or put his arms round me while I related what had happened ).
This was not an isolated incident, he was never there for me in any difficult circumstances and I think what happens is that you become so used to being disregarded in this way that you accept it as 'normal' behaviour, maybe that's why it's only now that your anger is surfacing. I hope the counselling helps . Don't doubt yourself .

fpm, my very best wishes to you for the future x

fpm - good luck. You survived the original experience and you know you can do this. It will be worth the pain to exorcise that nightmare.

xx

Thanks everyone for your support. I feel better this evening after large glass of wine and your messages. I think they have helped validate some of my feelings.

It has enabled me to perhaps take another step back and recognise him for the sh*t he is.