What do you do when you don't like yourself?

[bumblebumble]

That's it really. I can make all sorts of excuses for myself - horrible father who treated us like sh1t and most importantly spoke to us as if we were dirt, 2 siblings with mental illness, no contact with any of my family now, never close to my mother, run-ins with in-laws, 2 children under 2 etc etc etc. But it is all excuses. I just feel that I am a nag, I see the negative side of things, I show my feelings far to easily and don't keep things to myself and just get on with things. This in itself is whinging but I want to change for my children's sake as well as for my own.

The first step I know is to stop saying things - it just does not help, stop complaining, stop being oversensitive. The next step is to smile, keep smiling and finally to stop thinking these things altogether. I just can't do it. I do have a lot to be happy about now, a good husband - not very emotionally supportive but he does his best, nice house, no money worries. Don't have a lot of social support and feel isolated. FIL has been nasty and said on more than one occasion that he hopes the children inherit my husband's personality - my FIL is not sweetness and light the whole time and reminds me at times of my father.

I just feel I am the villian and because a lot of it is justified, I do nag, I do criticise and I don't like myself very much. How do I feel better and start being more postive about myself?

You have listed lots of things you DO but have not said what you ARE.

What aspects of you as a person are positive/good?

Um, well, presumably you were like you are now when you got married? Sooo, there must be loads about you that your DH loves? You could just accept yourself as you are but in a more lighthearted way. Perhaps learn to laugh at your foibles?

Have a look at the library and on Amazon for books about improving your self esteem.

I guess I think I have changed, clearly the last few years of lack of sleep and great upheaval and emotional stuff of becoming a parent - with my own background and so on. I know I have always been angry, angry at the way things have been in my life and I want to stop.

Maybe I don't know what I am anymore, I try to do my best for my children and I try to be helpful to other people to an extent but I am not kind to people, I don't think others would say I am warm and I don't think I come across as very likeable.

Hmmmm... Unresolved anger stuff can be really hard to deal with. I think the self help book idea is a good one (if you will have time to read). Think talking with a professional would help but that not appeal or be viable.

Hesitate to suggest that medication could help but maybe something like St John's Wort or something natural to ease the stress? The natural things do have potential side effects too though so if you do decide to do that be aware of any physical stuff like headaches, etc.

Hope you find a way through.

Sorry, also meant to ask if there is anything that particularly sets you off? I can see FIL is a pain and you've said that he reminds you of your father. Do you think it goes back to then or is that you feel criticised and so respond in kind?

If you can isolate what it is then you may be able to deal with it more quickly.

I feel like this too sometimes. DH and I are working through some stuff and it is hard to look at yourself closely sometimes.

A few things are helping me at the moment. I'm not sure they are helping DH's particular issues but I feel like he has less to blame me for lately, so it helps my self esteem.

I know nagging is one of my 'problems' I've got some good excuses (it was the way I learnt that people communicate, from my own family, and my DH completely shuts down at any sign of negative emotion - will respond as little as possible and walk away if he can, and that set me off). I know though, that they are excuses, and if I can work on my problems, I have a good grounding to get DH to work on his more concertedly.

Anyway, first off I stopped shouting so much because we have a small son and it upsets me. I get 2 or 3 shouted words out and then I breathe and lower my voice and try to slow down. Slow is good for me.
Secondly, I try to stop using insulting terms. WHen get worked up I do call DH names, and I know I belittle him but I am trying now to instead calmly explain how his actions (rather than he as a person) make me feel. I am trying to invite him to work on both the action that is affecting me, and how to help me with my feelings about them, so it is not all about blaming me. I'm not sure if it is helping him but I feel much less like a nagging harpy (although I don't always manage the calm)

The last one sounds silly but I've been reading parenting books (unconditional parenting and how to talk so kids will listen) because I want to be a different parent to the ones I (and DH) have, and sometimes it is different to break away from everything you grew up with. The thing that struck me with these books is that they are encouraging you to treat your kids with respect above everything else. I realised that I wasn't always treating DH with the respect due to him as a person and I have been trying to use some of the communication techniques in the books on him, as well as just thinking how I would feel if he spoke to me like that.

This is all a work in progress for me, and when circumstances are right I will be getting some counselling (don't think I can do it when pregnant - too many hormones) and if needs be, DH and I will be getting some together too, if he can't change the way he talks (or doesn't) to me too.

If you don't like yourself, as I feel sometimes, sit down and think about your actual actions. Try not to believe that they define you, as another poster said, they are what you do not what you are. If you want to change what you do, then you need to sit down and work out (maybe with some help) how you can do it.

Sorry if this sounds like an essay about me, but maybe some of this will help you, as I feel like I might be in a similar place.

btw I don't think not saying anything helps, keeping it all in is worse - in my case I'm trying to learn how to get it out without nagging or criticising too much!

Thank you for your posts - I know I am self pitying to some extent but an awful lot of it goes back to childhood inevitably - my father didn't hit us a lot but he did do it and threatened it an awful lot - I remember a great deal of fear and in a way that has made me bolshy and too opiniated and probably rough around the edges but also very self critical. I am always amazed at how other people (FIL for example) behave like complete tp77ers and get away with it and importantly appear to have no self doubt, no sense of having behaved badly and yet I will beat myself up endlessly for having not been very nice. The point is that there is truth in what he said - that is why those types of comments hurt so much - I am not very nice sometimes and I want to change.

I have thought about medication as I know I have suffered from low level depression probably my whole adult life. I know some of my reactions are childish and I want to be a better person for my children - I had a lot of sh1t piled on me as a kid and I will not do that to them.

I wish they did finishing schools for people the wrong side of 40 - I envy people who can smile and laugh and probably inwardly think "what a complete prat" but never betray themselves. Whenever I behave badly I feel that I have let myself down because I have let someone else get to me - ignore, ignore, ignore!

I guess I want to add that I want people to be nice to be the whole time - I mean positive and friendly - I am too reliant on other people's emotions. I think when you grow up as I did you want to read people the whole time, what mood are they in, what will set them off, you are never just yourself and at ease with yourself - you are looking for external validation the whole time.

Other people have their own lives, own troubles, it is incredibly self centred to even think people are thinking about me negatively or in any way.

bumblebumble I wonder if Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help you. It focusses more on the here and now than other therapeutic approaches, and has been found to be good in treating mild-moderate depression and anxiety states too. The central ideas are around learning to "catch" and challenge your negative thoughts and assumptions, and it also involves doing behavioural "exercises" eg trying out new ways of behaving and proving to yourself that you can face difficult situations.

Try and get hold of a book on CBT (I think there is one called CBT for Dummies), to give you an idea if it might suit. The good news is that it's available on the NHS,through GP referral - the bad news is there MAY be a wait. In the first instance you are likely to be offered a limited number of sessions. If you are interested, I'd go to the GP and talk to him/her about a referral, and I'd also try and insist that you see someone who is experienced in using this therapy (preferably a Clinical Psychologist, but some Counsellors are trained in it).

I have a similar problem to yours bumblebumble- I also have noticed how I expect everyone to be nice to me, but I am overly critical/ nagging/ in foul mood all the time.
My mother is like that and I've always hated it and now I'm becoming her!
In my case it seems to be related to my self-esteem- I had a glamorous, but not intellectually stimulating job for about ten years (modeling), and when I got too old, I sort of found myself lost.
However,lately I've been paying attention to my reactions, and after I realised how mean I can seem to others, I started to modify it- just because I felt that my behaviour wasn't respectful.
Anyway, it's possible to change, I think, if you pay close attention to the way you react, why it's not a right way and then try to respond in a different way.
Good luck!

Thank you for the posts. Yes I have read CBT books and really try to do the things it says - I guess I have just got stuck in a bit of a rut of negative thinking about myself and those around me.

I feel that because I admit that I am sometimes not very nice it lets the people around me off the hook - I can take all of the blame. I spoke sharply to MIL a few months ago because I had asked them to bring DD back by 6.45pm for bed and they came back at 7.30pm and I know I should have said things properly but I said "your late" or something like that in a bad tone - I then apologise to MIL for speaking to her like that and FIL has the nerve to say to me "we are used to it" I feel so angry sometimes that no one else sees their bad behaviour. That is why I am not prepared to talk to my husband about it anymore - it just gives ammunition to have a go at me.

The big problem is that I feel my downer on myself is affecting how I parent - I doubt myself the whole time - I don't have the confidence in my parenting - not helped by PIL's criticising and undermining - even husband said on last visit they had both been out of order.

dittany - I completely agree with you about the things I needed as a child - I almost need to reparent myself and give myself those kindnesses but I don't know how - I am hard on myself and hard on others.

Try this one;
www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Paul-Gilbert/dp/184529713X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=125959 1429&sr=8-1

I have not read it all yet but so far it seems exactly what you might be looking for. Be kind to yourself....and then you can be kind to others, well, that is the message so far for me!

I suspect that simply because you are thinking about these things you are making some progress, even if it does not feel like it.

Thank you - I am heartened by people taking the time to respond. I have never read the Stately Homes stuff - never understood what it was about but I will look.

I want to be more calm and assertive - I have read a very good book called "The Dance of Anger" and it is excellent. I guess I like to run away and always think by moving and starting again I can magically be different.

My husband is fantastic on the practical stuff - well very willing to help - never shows much initiative so I always feel like I am telling him what to do and I feel bad about that - I guess it contributes to me feeling like a nag and I know his mom and dad hate seeing me ordering him around but he does not plan or forward think.

I do find the ballbreaking monotony of young children really hard and now we are getting to the stage of the older one (21mo) starting to have more emotions and pushing me away sometimes or wanting her dad, I feel lower - but I know she needs to be free to test out boundries and be horrible and still be loved.

One thing I want to ask about the CBT is how do you change what you think and make it more helpful if you do think there is some truth in what is being said/done?

bumble - As I understand it, CBT is not about just thinking positive regardless, but it assumes that most of us have a bias towards seeing things/ourselves negatively (especially if our childhood experiences have programmed us that way). These biases affect how we feel, and also therefore how we then behave.

CBT aims to help you more accurately assess the truth of the matter - so that we can judge ourselves not as some critical voice but as a friendly, objective person might.

A good CBT practitioner will be able to help you identify what you particular biases are, and give you sort of "homework" tasks to practise using a different approach in particular situations that leave you feeling bad.

Thank you again for all of the posts. I have started looking into CBT therapy and I am now taking St John's wort (we live in Germany so very widely prescribed here).

One thing I want to ask is - how do I let go and allow DH to be more autonomous - I feel like I spend the whole weekend ordering him about and I feel bad about that and I am sure it is bad for our relationship and how we see one another.

It sounds as though you'll soon have things sorted,as I think wanting to change and realising certain behaviour patterns are making you miserable makes spotting when you're doing it easier, and then you just shut up.
I hate nagging and used to hate it when my mum nagged, although she vastly improved when she got a full time job, I think being at home all day and not having much adult conversation does get women focussing on trivial stuff.
Husband and I generally agree at beginning of weekend about things to be done, plus fun things we wish to do at weekend. We also ask each other for help and don't expect the other to guess what we want.
Generally work well with minimal nagging.
If you are always nagging your husband perhaps you are trying to get him to do too much boring stuff on a weekend and being a bit controlling. I wouldn't like my husband to present me with a list of stuff to do if I had other plans. If the boring stuff is agreed beforehand then nagging shouldn't be necessary.

Do you need a hobby or something you enjoy? I find I need to have enjoyable things fitted into the weekend so there's a mix, and when the kids were young liked to have some time to myself to go for a bike ride/ swim and sauna. Maybe your husband needs something similar if you spend all weekend ordering him about. Maybe sit down and discuss how you'd like your weekends to be.
If you don't have a load of DIY I'm not sure what it is you're ordering him to do all weekend and either he's very idle and would do nothing with kids/ house unless nagged or you don't like him doing his own thing.
Discussing it , and discussing the stuff that needs done that day should save nagging.

If my husband always had to be asked to help me dress kids/ prepare meals etc I'd be wondering why I married him, so hard to know how much of the problem is due to him being thoughtless and idle.

Could you get some sort of professional help? It sounds to me as though you need to talk through with a professional all your childhood stuff and get that anger out. I think that would be far more effective than self help books (though I imagine could be difficult logistically).