What should I do?

[iknowiamabaterriblewife]

I need some advice.

DH and I have been going through a really bad patch recently. He is away all the time working, but even when he is at home, he never seems to be interested in me or want to spend any time with me. It got to the stage where we barely spoke, I just got on with bringing up DCs and doing my own thing, and it didn't really matter to me whether he was at home or not. I never missed him. There is absolutely no connection or intimacy between us at all.

I will say that he is a great dad and has all the time in the world for the DCs when he is home.

A few months ago I met someone at a school social event (single dad), and we really hit it off. We were just friendly for a while and had the odd cup of coffee and chat with other parents. We then started texting, just as friends.

However, a few weeks ago it started developing into something more, we went out for a couple of drinks, then last week we slept together.

I now feel like an absolute shit of the highest order. I have been married for 10 years, with DH for 14 years and I have never looked at another man before. Despite all our problems, I am not ready for my marriage to be over. This would kill DH and I cannot bear to think what it would do to my kids.

I have told OM that it was a mistake and can never happen again and he has accepted this. I cannot avoid him altogether, as our children are in the same class, but he has agreed not to contact me outside the social niceties again.

What I want to know is, should I tell DH and run the risk that it will end our marriage? Can our marriage survive anyway if I have been unfaithful? I am starting to think it is beyond saving if I was prepared to sleep with another man.

Help desperately needed please.

Don't beat yourself up firstly. You weren't feeling valid in your marriage - that's what drove you to find intimacy with a new man.

Do you want to save your marriage?

I think so, although I don't know how to do it. I just feel that DH is completely disinterested in me. All he wants to do is work, spend time with the DCs and watch sport. I feel like a glorified housekeeper most of the time.

However, I have been with DH since I was 21 and I can't imagine life without him. In the past, we have been through some tough times and he was always so sweet and supportive. I don't know what changed. I think something went wrong in the dynamics of our relationship when I gave up work after our second child was born. Maybe he no longer respects me or is interested in me because I am now just a SAHM, not the ambitious career woman he married. He just doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

He has alwaysbeen there, but I am not sure whether I love him anymore or just am scared of changing the status quo. I do know I don't want to hurt him though, and I my children are the most important thing in the world to me, I want to do what is best for them.

I am so confused and ashamed of myself.

I think you need (for now at least) to put this interlude with the OM to one side. That was obviously a symptom of your unhappiness and feeling undervalued and you should forgive yourself. Guilt is a very destructive emotion...let it go.

Then you need to have a really serious talk with your DH, about all the things that are spoiling your marriage. I wouldn't mention OM yet, if at all, as that will obviously put a huuuge bomb in the mix...

Unless....you have already had several of these "talks", he has promised to make more effort and just can't be bothered or feels entitled to continue in the same selfish way. In which case, you falling prey to flattery from elsewhere may be the only thing that really makes him listen.

You seem scared to change the status quo, but you really do need to decide whether you want X more years of this if your DH won't change.

If you really feel that is the case, then I would treat this OM episode as your wake-up call and take steps to separate from your H.

Do you think your husband will know? Would he say anything if he suspected and want to just move on?

How would you feel if you found out he had had a one night stand with someone?

I don't think he will know unless I give something away myself. He takes very little notice of what I do when he is not around, he doesn't know this man or any of my school mum friends, as he never socialises with us or even does the school run.

I think he would say something to me if he knew, although maybe he wouldn't, I feel like I barely know him these days, I have no idea what is going on in his head most of the time.

I am sure I would be gutted if I found out he had actually slept with someone else, although at the moment I don't really feel anything. Whether that is because I don't really believe he would, I am not sure.

What are you going to do?

Hello iknow,

first of all I's like to say that I don't think you're a terrible wife and we are all human.

I think it is correct to assume that it was a 'sypmtom' of the actual underlying problem. If you were a man coming on here confessing this you would have been buried. Cheating just because you feel not valued and going through a rough patch is really unfair on your partner. Have you ever asked yourself why he is away all the time? Maybe he doesn't want to be but sees it as a necessity to keep you and your children financially afloat and he's stressed and worried hence the withdrawal.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Your poor children might bear the brunt of your actions if this comes out.

Hence I suggest if it was a one-off you need to keep it under wraps unless you were careless enough not to use a condom, then you owe your husband your honesty. If you used protection I would keep it to yourself because honesty towards him will crush him, while it offloads your guilt. It would be a selfish thing to tell him.

However, I think you need to ask yourself if and how you want to improve your current rut. You will need to speak to your DH, you've been together for such a long time and must know him so well. When the kids are in bed, share a glass of wine and tell him, you miss having him around, you feel you guys don't spend enough couple time together and ask him how he feels and what he would suggest. I really hope you can resolve this.

I think I am going to talk to DH about all the things that are bothering me and see what he thinks about it all. Maybe he doesn't realise there is anything wrong.

I am not going to tell him about OM at the moment, as I am not sure what good it would do, but I know it would really hurt him. I know it was a horrible mistake and I am never going to do it again, but if I tell DH, that will be all he will focus on, and we may never recover.

I hope this is the right thing to do.

good luck x

"Hence I suggest if it was a one-off you need to keep it under wraps unless you were careless enough not to use a condom, then you owe your husband your honesty."

I wholeheartedly agree with this. If you had unprotected sex with another man, you must tell your husband. If it was safe sex, you're right not to tell your DH. It will just hurt him for no good reason.

I hope everything works out for you.