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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please stop me

19 replies

affairplease · 03/06/2003 22:46

Basically I fancy the pants off an ex work colleague, and i 'think' its mutual. He's married and so am I.

I love my husband , don't know if i'm 'in love' with him though after 10 years, sex life ain't great but thats my fault.

Problem is that i'm seeing this guy at a work do in 2 weeks time and don't know whether i should go for it. If I don't i'm not sure how i can get him out of my system, have felt like this for 6 months, surely one kiss won't hurt?

OP posts:

meanmum · 03/06/2003 22:51

I'm the wrong person to ask. I believe in being faithful once in a committed relationship whether it be marriage or partnership. One kiss will definitely hurt. Don't do it if your marriage is salvageable and it certainly sounds like it is. Find the thrill you are looking for some other way. If you are interested because it is boosting your ego then find something else that will give you that.

soyabean · 03/06/2003 23:08

I'd second what meanmum says, affairplease. I am sure that one kiss could easily hurt someone, at some point, and could it really just be one kiss anyway? If things arent great with yr dp, I think you need to work on that and if it comes to an end then you would be free to see this guy but it doesnt sound like things are that bad, and you would have a lot to lose. 'Boring' advice but I think its probably what you would have expected from your question?
Sorry you're feeling this way, I dont mean its not hard for you but to me it just would not be worth it.

Tortington · 04/06/2003 00:59

it maybe good for you and him

but it wont be good for your husband and your kids and his wife and his kids if he has any.

if your unhappy - leave - then start another relationship

dont have your cake an eat it it rarely tunrs out well

Iggy · 04/06/2003 02:02

I think you know the answer to your question already, dont you?
"One kiss wont hurt" ??? Get real! Kissing a colleage as a friend and kissing a colleague who you have been fantasizing about for 6 months are two entirely different things.

How would you feel if you saw your husband stealing "just one kiss" from someone he has not been able to "get out of his system" for 6 months. Great huh ?
If you dont like it done to you, dont do it to someone else, esp one who has shared his life with you for the last 10 years.

Good advice from custardo. Close one chapter of your life, get over it, then start another. You have no right to mess with another womans husband.

Britabroad · 04/06/2003 02:20

This could mean you loose everything you have.
Do you think your home, family, friends and finnancial situation are worth jeopardising?

The grass always looks greener.....

It's ok to fantasise and that he fancies you is flattering.

Think......

aloha · 04/06/2003 08:41

Hmm... imagine some woman kissing your dh like that... not so innocent now, eh? If some woman was after my husband like you're after someone else's, well, I can't say I'd be overjoyed with him or her. Go for it only if you are prepared to destroy everything in your life, lose your husband, be a single parent and only see your kids every other weekend and to have someone's ex wife absolutely hating you. Otherwise I wouldn't bother, frankly. Men rarely leave their wives for their affair, do you honestly want to be with the kind of man who would cheat on his wife anyway? This is a minefield and IMO you should keep out of it. My advice would be to avoid him as much as possible, book a holiday with your dh and make an effort with your marriage.

WideWebWitch · 04/06/2003 08:59

Yep. Agree with everyone. Only you can stop yourself though.

M2T · 04/06/2003 09:15

Ah.... the forbidden fruit. Those intense feelings in your tummy when you see them..... catching glimpses of each other in the corridor. The anticipation of what could happen and how wonderful it'll be. You'll say anything to yourself to justify it.

Been there! And it's not all it cracked up to be. It's just not worth it. If you have all these deep feelings for him could you stop at a kiss? Doubt it.

I would say that you should relish those exciting feelings as something that brightens your day. A wee fantasy that will never become reality. HOWEVER, if you do have genuine feelings for this man (other than lust) and your marriage isn't going well.... could you risk leaving your dh? Would HE leave his DW??

A lot of things have to be clear. I do know how you feel and it's overwhelming, but don't let it ruin your family.... AND his!

Good luck.

wiltshirelass · 04/06/2003 10:16

affairplease,
you aren't being honest with yourself (and us!) if you think you are talking about one potential kiss. if you have fantasised about him for 6 months, and feel you need to try to "get him out of your system" you presumably know that once you lay a finger on him you are talking about sex, not a kiss. and that is a whole different ball game (no pun intended)...

54321 · 04/06/2003 10:46

It's ok to fantasise but end it there in your dreams now you know you should would be my advice. Concentrate on making your life happy not complicating it and think would being selfish make you happy? What goes around comes around they say etc etc etc DON'T GO

eidsvold · 04/06/2003 11:04

I just think the topic of your thread sums it all up ... please stop me... for all the reasons other people have stated. There are too many people who could be hurt over this.

Rhubarb · 04/06/2003 11:10

How would you feel if you found out your husband was having an affair? Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. There are two of you in this marriage, you made certain vows and promises in front of other people, are you going to throw all that away just because you are lusting after some other bloke? Work on your marriage instead. Affairs are incredibly selfish and involve a lot of hurt and pain. If you are happy to live with that, then I hope your husband finds someone else who can treat him better.

crystaltips · 04/06/2003 11:13

I know that I am going to sound very disapproving - but I think you are appearing rather selfish. Have you got kids ? If so, you have so much more to lose. I wonder why you posted in the first place .... You aren't expecting anyone to agree with you are you ?
I might be shot down in flames sounding so judgmental but sometimes marriages go lukewarm and need a bit of attention. Concentrate on that aspect rather than your fantasies. Seduce DH it's fun and you've got everything to gain and nothing to lose!

codswallop · 04/06/2003 11:15

they all fart in bed you know.

Gini · 04/06/2003 11:28

and we don't (snigger!)

namewithheld · 04/06/2003 12:11

Affairplease

I have been there and done that. Believe me this is not as simple as it sounds. Once you have one kiss it degenerates very quickly into a full blown affair. At first you just catch up at work, then you start going out together with other colleagues and before you know it you are booking hotels to spend the night together.

The thing it is so difficult not to get attached and it took me nearly 8 months to realise that it was going nowhere, with both of our spouses suspecting and a lot of damage done.

My advice to you be DONT DO IT. I know it is exciting to feel sexy and wanted, particularly if sex isn't very good at home. In my opinion this isn't worth the heartache of extricating yourself from the situation when things get tough (i.e. your spouse suspects or in my case his wife wanted another baby). Basically I had to break it off because although what we had been doing was certainly very wrong I just couldnt bring myself to carry on the affair if his wife could possibly be pregnant. She pushed the situation so far that she went off the pill against his wishes - she obviously suspected that something was wrong and felt so insecure that she used pregnancy to regain some control. I dont blame her and feel so bad that she was made to feel insecure.

This left me unhappy, my lover heartbroken and 2 marriages a bit the worse for wear.

Anyway that's just opinion for what's it's worth. Hope my experience would shed some light on what it's actually like.

All the best

SamboM · 04/06/2003 12:14

Much more fun to keep flirting, the reality of the affair won't be as good! It will wear off after a while and you will be soooo pleased you didn't do it

October · 04/06/2003 23:10

Message withdrawn

Gillam · 12/06/2003 13:12

Sorry may not be what you want to hear but I too agree with being faithful. Have been cheated on myself whilst in a "not so serious" relationship and it bloody hurts like mad! Don't do it! You will hurt your husband and your kids etc! If you are not happy then get out but don't ruin the whole thing by a one night stand it is completly unfair.

May be hard but you can't just think of how you feel in this one - sorry!

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