Am I expecting too much from dh after 14 years together?.....

[becaroo]

...I have been with my dh for 14 years - 10 of them married - and we have 2 gorgeous ds aged 6 and 1.

I feel I need to make clear at this point that he has never hit me, cheated on me (as far as I know) or been verbally or emotionally abusive....so, what am I complaining about you ask?

Its been a tough year - I am the first to admit that. Ds1 has had a really hard time at school with his literacy and confidence/bullying but now with a lot of help from me at home seems to be doing well and enjoying school more. Also, ds2 has been really ill this past week (nearly admitted to hospital twice) and I have been ill too so its not exactly been a great time.

I have also had a fall out with my PIL - long story! - about my MIL mocking me in front of my children which has casued some stress too as he would rather do anything than upset his parents. Upsetting me doesnt really seem to bother him.

I feel like a scivvy. As long as the house is clean and the kids are ok and fed he is happy. I really dont think he would notice if it wasnt me doing the jobs as long as they got done.

You would think that after 14 years he would have some idea what to get me for xmas (its the only thing he has to do I might add as I do everything else) and he just hasnt got a clue He has no idea what my interests are or cares to find out.

He is a good dad to our sons but has moments when he just doesnt think which I find very upsetting. On wimbledon finals day I asked if I could watch it - told him it might be a long game and asked him to sort the dc out. End result was ds1 had no breakfast and no tea and wasnt given his medications (he has asthma) I was only watching TV for a few hours for gods sake!!! Its once a year!!!!!

I could go on and on about how he has let me down over the years (particularly when ds1 was a baby and very poorly and in hospital and dh went to work and left me there on my own ) and how I planned a wedding to suit his family - certainly wasnt what I wanted - but thats in the past. What matters now is the future and I suppose my question is...do we have one?????

I get so angry at him I could scream - literally - I seem to spend all my time fuming about something he has done - or hasnt done! - and I am tired of it. I do not want to hurt my dc but how long do I go on feeling like this? Will I stop feeling like this eventually???

I dont know if I love him anymore

How much have you talked to him about it? If you have explained over and over what you would like him to do and he keeps letting you down then maybe you could try Relate? But if you haven't discussed how you're feeling with him then that would be a good place to start.

Think about what things you would most like to change. Then sit down with him, tell him that you feel unhappy (try to talk about how you feel rather than listing his failings, "when you don't have ideas about presents it makes me feel like you don't take an interest" etc) and ask him how he thinks you can both fix things.

Possibly if you're so full of resentment your dh won't be able to do anything right in your eyes. Not to criticise but can you take a step back.

I say this as I'm trying to do this with my dh - he appears SO uncaring about me - probably because I'm so self sufficient he feels he can concentrate elsewhere - he's insensitivce to my needs and that of my ds. But very attentivce elsewhere.

Different situation mine (we don't get on and it's heck of a job to manage his behaviour) - but do you really not love him or just seriously fed up in a relationship where you can talk and come to understand one another?

Also, your DS1 must have been at least 5 when you were watching the tennis - why didn't he just tell his Dad he was hungry?

I think from what you say about your H going to work when DS was in hospital - sometimes you hear of men in a crisis not knowing how to help and so reverting to what they know best. Did you tell your DH at the time how upset you were?

I think you will have to establish between you how much he can change his behaviour to meet your needs and how much you are going to have to accept that this is who he is.

Well, if you haven't discussed it and he isn't a qualified mind-reader, then I think it sounds like you're being a bit harsh.

Going to work when your child was ill might have been a way he felt he could help - by keeping an income coming in, or by just feeling impotent at the hospital so trying to cope in different ways and thinking son needed you more than dad. Son going without breakfast once or twice won't kill him. his 'crimes' sound more like absent-mindedness than evil.

If your son has been ill and you've been ill too though, you're probably over-tired and cross and therefore not seeing the wood for the trees. You need to take it easy on yourself - and then try and have a chat when you're feeling a bit stronger.

I think I'd ask for some relate sessions as my Christmas present from him as an opening to a conversation. I really wouldn't tolerate my dh putting his parents feelings before mine time after time.

Wow becaroo it really does sound like you've had a tough few weeks - never mind a tough year.

As DH myself (at least I hope I'm 'dear'!) I have to admit I recognise a few of the faults in your own other half.

We mean well - honest.

I'm going to make a load of sterotypical and clichéd comments here but bear with me...

First cliché: it's that whole Mars & Venus thing. You say "Can you watch the kids for a bit whilst I watch the tennis?" he hears: "Make sure the kids don't die for 2-3 hours." Feeding them etc. is all bonus stuff.

As for the in-laws and not noticing you - he does - it's just we do have a nasty habit of taking our dear wives for granted at times. We shouldn't and when we're doing it we don't realise - but we still do it.

In-laws are a nightmare at the best of times. Yes, he wants to keep them sweet and at times it seems at your expense - but it's because he knows, loves and trusts you so much that he hopes/feels/assumes you'll see through his 'Parent charade' and still love him - at least that's what I do with my other half - who then mercilessly teases me as a Mummy's boy... which is probably true!

As for the chores - us guys are cr*p at that too I'm afraid. If you didn't do them he probably would... eventually. But he'd sweep the floor only once it was knee deep in grime (this is when guys generally think it 'needs' doing). Whereas by this point you'll have either left him or (more likely) done it yourself.

Practical solutions to this are: agree set tasks. Don't 'give' him jobs to do (we hate that - feel you're turning into our nagging mother and rebel... pretty much behaving like 5-year-olds). Say it would really if he could... ___ (name of job here).

Preferably this job will be 'manly' or at least involve some heavy lifting, or perhaps something where he can demonstrate superior technique - which you can commend him on. It may surprise you to know I am an amazing stair-hooverer - so my wife tells me... no, wait... maybe she's tricking me!

See how we work?

We're quite simple creatures really (stop sniggering at the back - I mean simple as in not complex!) but at time we are like having another child I'm afraid.

Can't live with, can't live without... even if the latter is tempting at times.

As for the Christmas presents - leave subtle hints. WARNING: For a man a subtle hint is not what most women think of as subtle.

I mean 'sledgehammer' subtle: let him overhear you saying to a friend on the phone how much you'd like x or to go and see y show/movie etc.

Believe it or not, eventually this does seep in to our consciousness (even through Match of the Day). What we like is the idea of surprising you and showing how we really are romantic and we really do listen.

And for God's sake - no matter how many hints you drop - act surprised on the day!

Good luck.

Daddy Blog
My blog: daaddy.wordpress.com - a silly look at life as a 21st century Dad

gee whiz...

Oh becaroo you are knackered and poor Ds2 has been very ill this week. Your DH should have realised this. But it does sound like your stuck in a rut. Have it out with him. Open a bottle of wine, make sure he's not distracted with anything on the telly. Ask him about his day then tell him about yours. Talk about Christmas and future plans. Things that you dread and things that you're looking forward to.

It might not be that you don't love him, it might be that you've forgotten why and you need him to remind you.

I've been with my DH for 14 years, but only married 5. Whenever I felt neglected in the relationship I would bottle it up for a few weeks then explode after two glasses of red. Always felt much better afterwards. Think just letting him know how I felt made me feel better even if there was no immediate and obvious changes in our relationship.

And on the flip side he might well be tip toeing around you knowing how much you've had to deal with over the last few weeks but feeling unable to help as you handle everything so well.

Please don't feel like you should give up on the relationship just because your DH has got lazy. He might just need a very large prod.

Daddyblog, that's brilliant, and so true, but I should mention that a friend used to say "Men: can't live with them... er, that's it really!"

Thank you very much for all your messages...I must admit I was expecting at least one person to tell me to quit whinging and be grateful for what I have!!! So thanks for not doing that.

I had a word with dh last night. Not sure what good it has done but I did it. He got quite upset which wasnt nice but I think he has listened at least to some of it.

DG You are right it has been a very stressful time recently but I have been feeling this way for a while now.

My gut feeling is that I do still love him - he is a good man - but I am not sure if I like him that much as a person anymore IYSWIM???? I think this could be because we really havent spent any time together alone since ds2 was born 14 months ago. I have sort of forgotten who he is.

Thank you for the male input on this daddyblog - what you say is very true.

Last night when I tried to tell him how tired I was and how stressful the past few months have been when I have been dealing with lots of stuff on my own he just said "but you are so strong you dont need any help" !!!!!

I am not actually strong at all. I have sort of trained myself to be over the years, especially since ds1 was a baby and I was left so alone to deal with his problems but its all smoke and mirrors. I am running on empty now and no one seems to have noticed.

With regard to the PIL issue, we are not going to spend so much time with them in future - I think that has been a lot of the problem - familiarity breeds contempt and all that - and I am a lot happier now that we are stayng at home for xmas and going on hols on our own next year.

I am going to ask him to write some xmas cards this year...starting small you see daddyblog...we'll see what happens.

Thank you all again for your help and advice - much appreciated.

B x

becaroo - when I read your orignal post I did think something that I was relucant to say for fear of offendig but which your last post confirms for me at least:

'.....he just said "but you are so strong you dont need any help" !!!!! '

My own DW sometimes gets into a phase where she feels overwhelmed by the never ending mundanity of housekeeping, children and life in general. I do all the cooking, cleaning, gardenng and DIY and 50% of ironing and childcare in the house but DW says she feels she has a never ending list of 'stuff' and she does actually keep lists of little tasks which she ticks off. She does not communicate the lists to me but just ends up in a never ending whirl that I feel excluded from and give up trying to help in the end. Sometmes I have to say 'stop' and actually be quite firm with her.

I have read in quite a few other posts on MN where other women report similar feelings and what is clear is thay have effectively excluded their DH from childcare and household responsiilities by subtly undermining their efforts to help. Your DH probably felt pretty useless when he left you in the hospital because you were 'in charge' and he just felt he had to go and do something useful.

What I advise is stepping back from your day to day tasks and re-evaluating. I am not saying you are at fault but perhaps DH is not at fault either. Is there a way for you to work with DH to get things done but then making sure you both have time together without you thinking all the tme of that 'stuff' that still needs doing. You say you have not spent much tme together in the last 14 months and that is I suspect you need to 'allow' him to be involved rather than diving in and trying to do it all yourself all the time. You also need to stop dong stuff for a few hours sometimes so you can be together.

I read a lot of MN posts where women constatly dive in and scold DH/DP for not quite doing something right with the children. In the end, men feel excluded from having a say or any role in their own home and their DW/DP is so exhausted she never has time for him. Love is bound to die off in those circumstances.

I don't mean to offend but does any of that sound familiar?

Can you go on holiday together or on a long weekend away? Sounds like a break from it all might help you to remember what you enjoy about each other's company and then you can readdress issue of the household chore balance on good terms when you get back.

"My own DW sometimes gets into a phase where she feels overwhelmed by the never ending mundanity of housekeeping, children and life in general. I do all the cooking, cleaning, gardenng and DIY and 50% of ironing and childcare in the house but DW says she feels she has a never ending list of 'stuff' and she does actually keep lists of little tasks which she ticks off. She does not communicate the lists to me but just ends up in a never ending whirl that I feel excluded from and give up trying to help in the end. Sometmes I have to say 'stop' and actually be quite firm with her."

ooo bloody ell - you're not my DH are you ABetaDad??? I do the cooking and some of the cleaning, but DH does lots of the other stuff.................

abetadad "I do all the cooking, cleaning, gardenng and DIY and 50% of ironing and childcare in the house"...

Marry me!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not really mind dh not helping in the house as he is a very hands on dad which I feel is more important in the long run, however, the constantly feeling ignored and not valued gets you down after a while. My dh works very hard and I am loathe to put even more stress onto him which means, of course, more stress for me. Not an ideal situation.

I would love a weekend away and we are going to london next weekend - but with the dc!!!!

"I read a lot of MN posts where women constatly dive in and scold DH/DP for not quite doing something right with the children. In the end, men feel excluded from having a say or any role in their own home and their DW/DP is so exhausted she never has time for him. Love is bound to die off in those circumstances."

hmm....I think there is much in what you say here BUT with children there are things that need to done a certain way - especially with ds1 who needs a very structured routine and gets quite upset/anxious if that doesnt happen. I can certainly be a bit critical, but only when he does something so stupid I want to stab him in the eye with a fork! DISCLAIMER: I have never done so (yet)

You have all given me lots of food for thought - thank you Bx

Good luck becaroo glad you've got the ball rolling by talking to him. Definitely tell him that one of the reasons you have taken so much on at home because you appreciate how stressed he is at work. But there must be ways you can share some of the workload at home. You need a break too. And you two need some time alone together.

Daddypress I can't express how far from that my dp is. He will always feed the children and would never just "forget"; he's not some child that can't really be bothered. I assume the same men you talk about manage a job? Transference of skills there that only don't get done as they can't be arsed imo and I wouldn't allow people like that in my life.

You can't "forget" that children need to eat My dp is amazing and does a hell of a lot, ex h was not. He was abusive, mentally and physically and didn't bother with the children much at all. I tried for 10 years and then decided that after an abusive childhood that enough was enough and I didn't want any more of it, nor for my children.

You're quite right JodieO - I was taking in sweeping stereotypes and clichés... but some of them are true.

Fortunately there are exceptions like your DP (and me - obviously! ) but a lot of guys do 'forget' seemingly obvious things.

One thing worth remembering is that a lot of Dads are 9-5'ers at work whilst their DWs are 24/7 Mums (another generalistion but bear with me).

If you think about it, even in just an average month that Mum will spend 30 days with the DCs and DH will only spend eight (four weekends). That's quite a gap in experience gained.

I tend not to miss so many 'obvious' things with my DS now - just through practice... and I still miss out some things which my DW finds second nature.

It's all just practice.

Like so many things though - when we find them easy we cannot comprehend how someone else can't manage it. The more you get a DH (or DW - whichever is the less 'experienced' parent) involved, the more practice they get and the less hand-holding they'll need to get things done.