If your parent was NPD (or similarly bonkers), how did this affect your wider family relationships?

[MissEmilyDavis]

Just wondering whether anyone else can relate to this?

My mother is NPD (I am 99% certain). She is an attention seeker who grew bored of me when I waas no longer a cute little kid and was absolutely hideous to me after the age of 11/12.

She has a long history of attention-seeking behaviour and manipulates people/situations to get her own way. As a child, she used to hold her breath until she fainted. As an adult, she would sit sniffing into a handkerchief in the corner of the room to get attention and would become enraged when ignored.

I tried for many years to have some sort of relationship with her (on the basis that she was, after all, my mother) but when I got married she caused all sorts of problems because I wouldn't allow her to give me away in church. To ths end, she spread malicious lies and gossip amongst my extended family and this led to them refusing to speak to me.

Of course, they know (and would understand) nothing of what I've been through and as far as they are concerned, if I won't have a relationship with her, I can't have a relationship with them.

After I got married I tried again with her (though sadly never saw any of my family again and it's been six years....). I had two lovely children but her behaviour started to emerge over again and I have felt forced to cut her out completely.

I haven't seen my mother for 11 months and she hasn't met my youngest child. I am currently in the position of having suffered years of emotional abuse (and seven years of counselling to get over it) and now finding myself totally without a sicgle member of my family. I feel horribly, horribly alone and yet I won't allow her back into my life simply to re-connect with the rest of the family.

I wonder whether anyone has expreienced simlar or has any advice (or even just words of comfort). I have considered writing to my family but (TBH) they are not especially bright and I would find it hard to word a letter in a way that might make sense to them. I also feel concerned about running the risk of them rejecting me all over again. They really, truly do not know her at all, just the public facade that she presents. Many of you with NPD parents might be familiar with the "wolf's smile" they present. Well that's her.

I can totally relate to what you've written, my mother is very similar. I found writing a letter very therapeutic (although I haven't sent it yet). I feel so sorry for you and this probably sounds silly, but I found the only way to cope was to really stop caring. It's been hard, sort of like grieving for the mother I never had, but I'm emotionally healthier. This is all a bit jumbled, HTH

I have written letters to her, its the wider family that concerns me.

They only have her opinion of me, since they haven't seen me in six years.

Periodically she has fallen out with them (usually at times when she feels I've been fulfilling her need for attention; when she's been in our lives). When she falls out with them, she doesn't stop bitching behind their backs, even so far as laughing at their physical appearance. And then she falls out with me and goes back to them and they have no idea how she's been behind their backs.

Nobody really sees my mother like I have seen her. Both her parents are dead, her elder sister is dead, her elder brother refuses to speak to her. She just has a younger brother who has always sort of looked up to her and nephews and neices ditto. Those who knew her from a more "senior" position seemed to have sussed her.

TBH, I don't think they will ever see your mother for what she really is, their opinions are probably too deeply entrenched.

I completely empathize with that feeling of being alone, unless someone's experienced it, it's hard to explain. I wish I could offer some words of comfort,but you're not alone, keep posting, hopefully someone will come along with better advice.

You are probably right. Just so sad and feels so unfair that she walks away with my family into the bargain.

She is a horrible, twisted woman.

Yes, it unfair, sad and an utterly vile way to treat you. One good (?) thing is that you, unlike the rest of them, have the emotional intelligence to realise the sort of person your mother is and can avoid being like her.

Hi there - I am in a very similar position so really feel for you. I am on the verge of cutting my adoptive father out of my life. Will post more later but if you like we can keep this thread going. I like to remember a quote from a favourite film (Into The Wild)

That sometimes truth is more important than love, society and acceptance

My grandmother was NPD and she mucked up the famiy down 3 generations with her lies and manipulations.

My mother always wanted to stop seeing her, my father (as it was his mum) was completely under his mum's thumb so we didn't.

She messed up my aunt's marriage and then moved into her grandson's house that he was trying to rent and stayed...paying almost zero rent, then was horrible to his wife...

So I'd say, don't let your mum trash the family like my granny did.

Thanks for your replies.

I agree that the trtuh is better than all the other stuff, but sometimes I don't feel so strong and on those days it's harder to accept that.

I know there's no alternative, I know I have to protect my children but jeesh, it's a lonely place to be.

So damned unfair. What happened to karma?