strained relations within family

[HislittlePoppet]

I have a sister who is four years younger than me, and who married many years before I did and has since divorced.
Our relationship was great until I met my now husband five years ago. She behaved badly in the run-up to our wedding, telling me that everyone would compare my wedding less favourably than her's (she had a huge, extravagant affair with 250 guests, which cost a fortune) and refused to come to the church rehearsal, even though she had a major role to play in the proceedings. She said the rehearsal was for me and my husband and nothing to do with anyone else. Yet, when she got married I was expected to travel 200 miles on a bank holiday for the rehearsal, which I happily did as it was her big day.
Earlier this year my DH and I announced I was pregnant after several false starts and a lot of medical help. She rang me to congratulate me, but I have barely heard from her since. My friends have been more like sisters than she has. Knowing what she knows about our medical history, and how ill I was in the first 4 months, she has not called once to ask how I am, or if she can do anything to help, even though she lives less than an hour away.
I will now have a quandary about what to do about godparents. I had always wanted her and my two brothers to stand as godparents if I ever had a child, but how can I when she shows so little respect or concern for us or our unborn child? If anything happened to us, I couldn't rely on her for anything, never mind to help raise our little one.
The situation is aggravated by the fact that my mother thinks the sun shines out of her and that she can do no wrong and defends her at every opportunity. I haven't bothered to discuss this situation with anyone else but my husband as there's no point.
I am beyond hurt by all of this now and after several years of her appalling, self-centred behaviour I feel more sorrow than anger. I can't see how I will ever have a good relationship with her again. Writing all of this down has just brought home how awful she has been. This isn't all of it, by they way, I have left a lot out, none of which is nice and most of which I am ashamed of on her behalf.
I wondered how others would deal with this? I don't want to cause a rift in the family, but I really have no desire to have anything much to do with her any more.
Thanks for any advice.

It does sound like she has some issues and I think you're right that she might not be the most appropriate godparent (although being godparent isn't the same as being a legal guardian in the event of your death, unless you specifically name her in your will). But you don't have to cause a massive row over it - invite her to the christening as you would normally, and pick someone else to be godmother.

Does she have children? Could there be some jealousy going on? What about writing to her and saying how you feel in a "Let's patch things up" sort of way?

I have a younger sister like this. Unfortunately, everything is about them. There is little chance of you changing her mind about things - but why should you? She's an adult and has to figure things out for herself.

As Hassled has suggested, invite her to the christening, but don't pick her as godmother. I think the time has come where you need to change your expectations of her. Blood is not always thicker than water......

Sweety, I admire your love and devotion to your sister, it is truly an honour to be considered to be a godparent, and it is lovely of you to think of your little sis.

HOWEVER, your little sis is literally and obviously seething with jealousy for you and seemingly happy to do anything and everythin to divert the limelight away from you. In short, she's just not that into you... she's too far into herself...

Your mum has her down as the baby of the family so can see no wrong.

Take a long hard look at those people around you that HAVE been there for you, that DO stand and cheer for you, that pick up the pieces. THEN look at who most has earned the right to have such an honour of bein chosen to care for and guide your DC. Your DH can help you with cold hard perspective if you need it..

It isn't at all likely your sister would make the list of nominees.

The choice of Godparents is down to you and DH alone, don't let anyone influence you at all.

Invite her to the Christening, invite all your family, as you wish, it's up to them to attend, if they don't, it speaks more about them than it ever will you.

Don't let them get to you, you sound lovely.

I think it's kind of unnecessary to ask one's brothers or sisters to be godparents, actually. They're already the child's aunt/uncle, which is a close enough relationship. IMO it's more appropriate to choose someone who doesn't have a (close) blood tie but who you would choose to be an extra relative if you could, bringing more nice people into your family rather than parcelling out extra jobs to the ones who are already part of it. Does that make any sense at all?

Thanks for your messages. Groundhog - your evaluation of the situation hits the nail on the head, I think. I am not a jealous type myself so I find those kind of sentiments hard to understand.

Anniegetyourgun - I always thought the same as you too, but I now I'm pregnant it feels different. I may ask only the brother I am closest to. We have many close friends who have been fantastic and they deserve to be asked more than some of my family.