my husband is really stressed and I don't know how to help him because he takes it out on us...

[bintofbohemia]

There's a lot going on at the moment, we have two DSs (1&3) and have just moved into a new (rented) house which we've just discovered is really damp. All our clothes are permanently damp and the boxroom wall has become absolutely covered in green mould/spores in the last 4 weeks. Lots of things we were storing in there are ruined. The house is permanently cold as there is no insulation.

DH will be out of a job in 4 weeks. He's applied for over 100 jobs in 6 months and not got an interview, despite having over 15 years of experience. And to cap it all off our children have gone from sleeping through to waking us up almost hourly some nights.

It's not the best time. I've had PND this year and am still on ADs but feel a lot stronger and am keeping my head above water. I'm trying really hard to be there for DH but the stress is starting to get to him. He's really good, he works really hard and is a fantastic husband and father. But when things get tough he gets really short tempered, shouts at the kids, becomes really defensive and very hard to be around. He eaither cuts me dead in the middle of sentences, or assumes he knows what I'm going to say and kicks off about it, and is generally so brusque and unpleasant that we end up having an argument. It gets to the point where I just back off and keep my head down until he snaps out of it but I don't really like doing it and it doesn't help him either.

Does anyone else have a DH like this and have you figured out how to handle it?!

bumping for advice...really need some ideas!

Hi bint, I think we may have chatted before in July of last year when we were both expecting? We were moaning a little about dh's then!

Am so sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds v stressful. Your dh sounds similar to mine who is also a v good husband and father but can become bad tempered when stressed, I can be very sensitive sometimes and its not a good mix! I have found I deal with the moodiness better if I remember it is not actually directed at me (even if it feels like it) and I just try to rise above it if I can. (this is not always easy!). We have got a tricky few days ahead as dh has an interview coming up and he finds these v stressful.

If your dh is taking it out on the kids can you take them out for a bit just to give you all breathing space? Does your dh know when he is being unreasonable? Mine is getting better at recognising this and sometimes says he needs time out - this works well.

One thing I try not to do is reason/talk/discuss anything with my dh when he is in one of these moods. Its totally counter productive. I do sometimes give him a "look" (I am a teacher and probably am good at these!). I sometimes find that when he is calmer he will say something along the lines of "I should have handled that differently" and then I might agree but in a "I know its so hard to deal with when you are tired etc" way. Some people might think this is pandering to him, but I find things improve immensely if he doesnt feel I am judging him. That doesnt mean I let him get away with stuff if I think he has gone too far I will let him know, though this often does end in an argument.

One of the most important things I think is to have supportive friends in rl. You don't necessarily have to talk about your dh at length to them - I can feel disloyal if I do this. But just to say to someone "dh is v moody at the mo" and have a bit of a natter can really help you put things in perspective. Make sure you have a bit of a life apart from him iykwim.

Take care and hope thing improve for you soon.

to be honest i think that the word/term 'stressed' is used way to easily,as is the label 'depressed'.

it sounds to me like anger....maybe angry at himself for putting his family in this situation?

has he always been this way? is he short tempered outside the home?

Hi Apprentice - yes, I remember you! How are you getting on and how is the little one?

Thanks for your post - it makes a lot of sense to me. I have basically started to to just pull right back and not engage (which can be quite difficult when he seems to be following me around seemingly itching to argue) but I do find it quite difficult sometimes as I can be a bit bolshy. Having said that, it really pisses me off when he accuses me of beign shitty when I've done nothing more than try to help and he interprets it as an attack. So it does seem like the only way to break the cycle is for me to withdraw.

Tiffany - yes, he probably is angry but we made the joint decision to move out of our house into rented accomodation so I've put us here as much as he has (if not more.) But the combination of factors is stressful, as is trying to take direct action against the causes and getting nowhere. I just really want to break old patterns and find a more constructive way of dealing with his behaviour that doesn't make me feel quite so hard done by.

...but yes, he has always had a tendency to being a bit stroppy on occasion. Before we had kids and we used to be able to go out and drink we used to have terrible arguments because he became absolutely hideous if he drank past a certain point. (Or drank Jack Daniels.) Several times I had to go and sleep elsewhere or lock myself into a room because he was such a tw@t when he was drunk.

Not had that for a long time though.

practical first;

what is the landlord doing about the damp?

have you called the landlord what do they say?
also call council environmental health - they can order landlord to act even if is private rented .
and if council deem it unfit then they will have to help you with accomodation...

"when things get tough he gets really short tempered, shouts at the kids, becomes really defensive and very hard to be around."

he is an adult who should learn to control his behaviour around small children.

he is NOT a good father if he behaves this way - he can ALWAYS take himself away go kick a tree away from you, whatever.

so no excuses.

ok you are all stresssed tired no sleep.

but the house - you can address.

the job -difficult but in current times he is nont the only one. he needs to seek advice maybe try diff jobs? something interim? use agencies? ask their advice?

as the pother poster said "Does your dh know when he is being unreasonable? " does he apologize /.recognize after? if he does then he can take steps before it happens next tiem...

you can "help" eg agree a word/ phrase you might use so he knows he needs to take himself for time out...

if he doesnt or blames you/the situation - then there is not much hope...

sorri.

you are in for tough times with two small children who dont sleep - but sitting agreing practical solutions will work best (taking it in turns to get up etc) not screaming and shouting.

cestlavie - thank you, I didn't realise that the landlord had to do something about the damp, (I haven't rented for a good few years) and it is private so I thought it was tough luck. He is supposed to be sending his handy man type chap round today to have a look at the damage (and DS2's ceiling seems to be slowly leaking) and apparently he was "fairly receptive" to doing something about it, but whether he'll want to install vents in some of the rooms, which it looks like it needs, (and ideally some insulation as it's bloody freezing!) is another matter. I might ring the council and try to find out where we stand legally.

Re DH - I can't say I'm perfect and I've shouted a DS2 as well, and I'd like to think that doesn't make me a bad parent. He is always very contrite afterwards, but afterwards being the key word; it usually takes him a good few hours, or a day, to realise he's been a git, during which time I tend to stew. He said to me last might that he's really pissed off that he's supported me whilst I've had PND but when he gets down apparently I don't support him. Which is massively unfair, and I presume he dones't mean it, but still.

.

do ring the council - green mould/spores need to be analysed they should take samples. this is health risk. it wont get better as it gets colder...

easy to get into who is supporting who etc when you both stressed...

thing is you got PND - presume you got treatment and had help and sought help? and assuming you were ok before and it was "jUSt" pnd - then there is a beginning and an end to the illness..

has he done this for his anger issues?

problem is, his anger issues are not new, they have always been there....
from what you say.

"you dont support me" - well what does he want, practically speaking?

what do you want from him?

maybe write down practical ways how you can both support each other

maybe a session at relate might help with the general communication issues? the simmering anger, people sulking/not talking for hours/days ...

The thing is that we all get stressed from time to time (and your situation at the moment would stress anyone - and little sleep on top of that!) and it comes out in different ways in each of us - often our most negative points are exaggerated. So for me, its becoming v anxious, for my dh and your dh its being irritable. So from their pov, if they are kind to us whilst we are being vulnerable then we should be kind to them when they are bad tempered! Of course the big difference is that being anxious/depressed etc doesnt deflect the bad feelings on other people - I don't think they have any idea how horrible they are to live with when they get like this.

I know the itching for an argument scenario well, its awful. Its because they cant seem to find another way to let their emotions out. Does your dh have hobbies/enjoy physical stuff? I find dh's mood is much better if he's been off mountain biking or some such - its his equivalent to me having a long natter!

By the way, my wee one is doing well, he's tall and eats anything in sight, quite unlike his older brother! We are generally a happy family unit, but every now and then we have times like you are describing and I'd be lying if I said it wasnt very hard. Is your dh very "male" in his thinking, iykwim? Its the bit about assuming he knows what you are going to say that makes me ask. when my dh is out of sorts he can get like this, and becomes v irritated when I react in a "female" way - eg, don't come out with the point straight away, exagerrate etc. I can be quite hurt if he gets annoyed with me when I am trying to be supportive, buts its really down to differences in communication.

I really hope you get your house sorted and that your dh finds a job. Times are v hard at the moment.

Poor you bintofbohemia - it does sound like a tough time for you all.

Having kids is stressful enough; moving house is supposed to be one of life's MOST stressful events and losing a job and being frustrated in the search for a new one can't be a barrell of laughs.

As a Dad myself I (sadly) recognise a few of your other half's symptoms. I too accidentally take out my own frustrations on those nearest to me - I think we all do at times.

It can be a vicious circle as when I do it I 'know' I'm doing it so feel bad; feel guilty; feel sad about it - and the whole thing goes around again.

The practical advice above is all sound - your landlord should definitely be sorting out the problems with your house.

As for your hubby get him "doing positive things" - it can be all too easy to slip into a negative cycle of feeling cr*p about yourself.

The job market's a nightmare at the moment Get him to really re-examine his CV. Ask friends/colleagues/former colleagues to help (what would they look for etc.)

Get him making positive steps to make himself more employable - get in touch with his references to make sure they remember him/say nice things etc. - maybe he could post his CV on the many job-search websites etc.

In general - something/anything to make him feel more positive about his job situation.

Other than that - you need to spend some quality time together. Being unemployed is rubbish - but one up side is some free time. Spend it as a family.

This doesn't have to mean expensive trips to Alton Towers etc. - just go to the local park and kick the leaves; or play games with your kids - having fun together helps take all your minds off things.

It might also tire the kids out a bit to make them sleep better!

Hope that helps. Good luck.

DaddyBlog
My blog: daaddy.wordpress.com - life as a 21st century Dad

Daddyblog, what a lovely post!

Bint. I've just read your other post and am sorry you are having such a bad day. I have to go now but hope your weekend is better. Take care.

DaddyBlog - sorry for the late reply, but I wanted to thank you for your post - it's good to get a man's perspective on it.

On the upside the landlord has agreed to sort something out this week, so hopefully that will help a bit - we could really do with some insulation though,we're spending a fortune on heating the place and it's just going straight through the roof.

Apprentice - thanks again for checkign in on me! We sound ridiculously similar - I get anxious too, similar DHs but like you say, we're a good unit most of the time. He's off out to play footy tomorrow night so that should sort him out a bit...He's been so proactive on the job front recently that I'm sure he'll get something any time now. He's not out until Christmas Eve and hopefully something will happen before then, he says that there seem to be more jobs coming up so fingers crossed.

(Out of interest - do you also have a highly strung DS1 and a chilled out DS2?)

Morning! As predicted the pre interview nerves have now set in and dh's mood is not great so I am suffering too. Oh the joys! Really hope your dg gets work soon - are you working too? I am mainly a SAHM but am trying to get a bit of work supply teaching. Have done 2 days in last week but thats only coz dh had time off work and looked after the kids. I really need to find something more regular so I can put boys in childcare I think.

I don't think we've got parallels with the boys though! My ds1 is generally quite easy going but is going through a real "if I don't get my way straight away I will scream and cry" phase. ds2 is I think going to be like his Dad......he's very loving and affectionate but boy can he strop - and he's not 16 months yet!