I have a feeling this is going to turn out to be epic; it's regarding a very good friend of mine and I can't sleep at the moment thinking about some of the things she's told me over the past couple of weeks about her partner. They've been together for just exactly a year. It's never been an easy ride by any account - lots of angst, tears on her part, they've broken it off more than once but got back together quickly each time. He has mental health problems, as does she, and I think it's difficult for the both of them to be mutually supportive of each other when they often have difficulty even keeping their own heads above water. He isn't able to be a rock for her in any case, though I understand that's not wholly his fault. There's just so much that's happened that makes me worry for her - it's not good for her health to also be dealing with these problems.
Just some of the most notable/recent issues:
She's found emails and Facebook messages (I think Facebook is the work of the devil for so many reasons like this) to and from girls he's told her were just old classmates, declaring his love for them saying he still misses them etc.
He's lied about keeping in touch with ex-girlfriends and then making her out to be insane, jealous and paranoid for suspecting him of still seeing them, when all along she was right.
All his previous relationships seem to be full of deceit and lies. He's lost a lot of friends over the years because he's slept with other people's girlfriends/spread rumours about former friends/fucked people over etc.
He deliberately bought her the 'wrong' present for her birthday, and then forced her to admit it was 'wrong'; then spent several days acting all injured and as though she was just trying to hurt him by telling him so.
When they argue he behaves like a toddler, and then leaves suicide notes for her to find. He'll then switch his phone off for a day or two, get her in an absolute panic that he's slit his wrists or something, then suddenly turn up again. She'll then apologise for arguing with him, even if it was an argument he instigated or over something perfectly valid.
He sprung a marriage proposal on her after about 7 months. Then threatened to kill himself when she turned him down, saying if she loved him she'd say yes.
He recently wrote several entries in his blog (which he knows she reads) about how much he loved her, and how everything he does he only does because he loves her so much and it confuses him and means he doesn't know what he's doing when these things are bad, how he keeps the truth from her because he's trying to protect her. About how she's the most amazing thing in the world, all he wants is to marry her and have a family with her, with the implication that she should read all this and infer from it that he's a changed man, he's sorting himself out and she should forget everything that's gone before.
The thing is, when she asks me what I think she should do I just want to say "Arse is he trying to protect you, I wouldn't touch him with someone elses' bargepole, get rid of him", but in reality it's not that simple is it. I've tried gently suggesting that she needs to rely far more on his actions henceforth than from anything he's written about - if he means what he says and is taking on board what he's been told by her and others then that will reflect itself in his behaviour - which afterall is the important thing. I've tried encouraging her to take a break, even if it's just not seeing him for a few weeks, I've had long phone calls, emails etc with her trying to get it across that he's being manipulative whilst simultaneously trying to appear as though I'm not judging him.
She's younger than I am, and often asks me for advice or help or perspective on things. Part of me thinks that her continual sharing of details and asking me for my perspective on her relationship is a sort of 'cry for help' - she knows that she needs to get rid and wants me to tell her so or reassure her that doing so would be the right thing. But another part of me worries that if this isn't the case and she really only wants me to tell her he's not so bad or that it'll get better etc and I tell her I think he's a cock and not worth her time, that she'll stop talking to me about it, bottle it up and keep quiet in the future even if his behaviour gets worse and/or more aggressive.
She's absolutely besotted with him, and I know the feeling - I was head over heels in love with my ex-p even as he called me names, told me he slept with other women because I was unworthy of him, banged my head against the kitchen counters and even as I was mopping up my own blood. I just thought I needed to be better and then he'd be nicer to me. Luckily I'm well away from that now, and whilst I don't think physical violence is the necessary conclusion in my friend's scenario, there are definitely aspects at the moment bordering on emotionally abusive, and it's certainly a dependent, unhealthy, upsetting relationship for her to be staying in.
I'm sorry this has been so long. I'm desperate to help her and I'm running out of things to say. I know that this is a decision she has to reach for herself, but how can I help her get to a place where she understands that sometimes, despite loving somebody, you have to admit that love isn't enough and that the relationship needs to come to an end? Does anyone have any experience of helping a friend through something like this? Are there any resources I can use for her, something to help her come to her own conclsions rather than something telling her what she needs to do?