Tell me what you think about this

[Agonyoveraunt]

Name-changing regular. Please don't out if you recognise.

DH's aunt died ten days ago. He wasn't especially close to his aunt, who was an aunt by marriage rather than by blood. He has many aunts as his parents both had large families. Today he went to her funeral with his sisters.

DH didn't tell me his aunt had died. Equally, he didn't tell me about the funeral. We have been married for 18 years, during which time there have been plenty of births, deaths and marriages on both sides of the family. We've always gone to them together (not the actual births). There is no family estrangement that I am aware of.
On a scale of 1-10, how odd do you think this behaviour is? Would you be rattled?

10

very odd. someone there he didn't want you to meet?

Very, very odd. I would be worried if my husband did this, not that he was up to no good but worried that he felt he couldn't tell me/lean on me for support. Has your DH been acting oddly apart from this?

Very strange. I would be worried about him, about our relationship.

Is he acting normally at the moment? Anything else that is a bit different?

10, at least

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and suggestions. It's really helping me to think this one through.

There definitely was a funeral. I've spoken to one of his sisters this morning - about something else - and she mentioned it had been a "nice do" and DH had restrained himself to one small whisky.

DH hasn't got any testamentary expectations from the aunt. Or at least I can't imagine that he has - any inheritance would pass to his cousins. More to the point DH has never seemed very interested in money to me.

You asked if he'd been behaving oddly otherwise. Well not noticeably. Except I've never known him to drink whisky.

The most likely explanation is that there was someone there he didn't want me to meet, but I honestly can't imagine who that might be.

If you think that's the reason then why not ask him outright? I wouldn't be able to not ask.

Or how well do you get on with the sister? Would she tell you (if she knew?)

Is he stressed at work? Hence the Whisky?

I will ask him again. We discussed it briefly last night and he simply had no explanation.

Now I'm wondering if there is a gigantic conspiracy involving his sisters, but I'm sure there isn't really.

I'm probably thinking about this too much, but it's so very peculiar.

Your posts have all helped a lot, thank you.

"Restrained himself to one whisky"

Sorry, but that sounds odd to me.

As if the person saying it expected them to drink more?

Maybe I´m reading it wrong.

But if I spoke to someone about a funeral,I´m sure I wouldn´t mention what someone did/didn´t drink.

Unless someone made an abslute spectacle of themselves!

So he really was at his aunt's funeral then.

Still can't work out why he didn't tell you.

Was the funeral local?

God, how bizzare!

I wouldn't be able to rest until I'd found out what he was playing at , it's completely bonkers that he wouldn't tell you that a member of his family had died.

It makes no sense.

Have you both been particularly busy in the last week?

My dh ended up at another site 30 miles away on a training day without mentioning it to me because we have been really busy.

10 very, very odd

Yes but Laurie this was a family funeral.

Most odd.

Well, I've known my DH for 26 years and he is so disinterested in his family that I don't actually know if he has any living or dead aunts, uncles or cousins. I wouldn't personally find this odd and would put it down to not being that interested in his extended family. If you were close to the aunt I'd think this was odd, otherwise it sounds like a mixture of forgetfullness and thoughtlessness but I wouldnt jump to any drastic conclusions. And I would be very pleased that I hadn't had to go.

If not interested I can understand him not making a fuss.

But think it odd he didn´t say the night before at least "Oh it´s Aunty XXXs funeral tomorrow"

Or in the morning when he left-did he just leave as if going to work-same time,same clothes?

He did just got up and got dressed and went out as usual.

I asked again last night what was his thought process, but no real insight.

It is all very weird, more so if it's out of character. But - the one thing which makes me think he isn't up to no good is that he left his mobile in the house while he was out and you could have intercepted any calls to him (unless he has another one, that is...)

H's mobile being glued to him at all times was the key sign of wrongdoing ime.

Very odd. Did he leave for work in funeral clothes?

It is odd.

But then also must say that it has never ceased to amaze me that men often live in a dream world. My (admittedly ex) P used to regularly talk with his parents and get family updates that he didn't share with me and I would only find anything out when I spoke with his mum myself. I don't think that was suspicious, he just was an exceptionally poor communicator..... I know this is different as it is a death AND a funeral but equally, I do find that men just often don't share!

So I would probably try to have one last chat with him about it and then...if you're still none the wiser, find a way to talk with one of his sisters and see if you can glean any more from that. Following that, if you have any concerns I would try not to worry about it unless you detect any other strange behaviour.

"Why haven't you said 'why didn't you tell me that your Aunt had died?' and not taken 'I don't know' for an answer?"

I don't know how to respond to that question. I have asked him several times why he didn't tell me. How do you suggest I should respond when he says "I don't know"? He's always been (sometimes unfortunately) very honest. I genuinely think he doesn't know.

My concern is that there's something quite badly adrift for him not to have told me, but I'm going to go with the idea that he's a bad communicator - because that sounds most like him.

Thanks for your thoughts - all. Much appreciated.