Can someone explain why ?

[seth]

My husband has left me. I am pregnant and we have a daughter. This came as a complete shock to me and I am still trying to catch my breath. It's his decision (still trying to suss out how significant a certain girl is in this)and the complete opposite of everything that I want. So can someone who is a bit more clued up or experienced than me on this explain something.. Why on earth is he being so utterly nasty to me every time we speak ? Blaming me for everything that was wrong, re-writing our 8 years togther that I am sure at least 7 of them he was happy with to make it sound like our relationship had always been flawed, belittling me and showing no empathy , remorse or kindness whatsoever. Is it just his guilt that he is projecting on to me ? My life has been torn to shreds enough by him walking out so I am not sure how I can deal with him being so horrible too. Is this the norm and does anyone know why ?

I am so sorry for you. I think you are absolutely right that he is projecting his guilt onto you. He probably knows what he is doing will hurt your chidren & he doesn't want to feel responsible for it himself. It is always easier to blame someone else for our own bad decisions.

Please, for your own & your children's sake, try to rise abve his unpleasantness at the moment, keep your contact with him brief & reasonable. The mre you can do now to stop this from becoming too bitter the less painful it will be in the long run. Try to have the strength of will to be the bigger person. I wish you all the luck in the world & hope you come out of the other side of this as in tact as possible.

was facebook involved??
seems like there are loads of posts like ours at the moment.

my advice to ou is get on with your llife. leave him to it. the grass is rarely greener over on the other side,and he will realise his mistake soon enough

try and maintain a dignified silence

sorry,meant 'yours' not 'ours'

I'm so sorry this has happened
I don't know why and it certainly shouldn't be the 'norm' but its a lot more common than most people realise.
I think he's treating you so badly out of guilt. There is more than likely something going on with the girl and he is turning all his guilt and self hatred back on you as he can't face the fact that it is his fault.
He will rewrite the past and make out he was unhappy to justify what he has done, again because he can't admit to himself that he has behaved appallingly.
It does get better, concentrate on yourself and your dc and take it one day at a time.
I bet you that eventually, when you have had the baby and moved on he will realise what a dick he's been, but by then it will be too late.
Stupid man

So sorry you are going through this.

I'm not sure it will be of any help to you but I had a similar experience with my partner, he walked out on me when I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, he just went out one night and never came home again, he wouldn't take my calls and when I did get through to him he was just blamed me for everything and asked me to stop hounding him. It was awful, I was still working full time and was too ashamed to tell my workmates or my family what was happening, it was a very scary and lonely time.

He did return to our house after about 2 weeks although remained very distant, he was their for the birth and very hands on with our baby when she was born and slowly we got back what we had together.

Don't let him make you believe that all this is your fault.

I really don't know what happened to make him just run off like that, it wasn't a planned pregnancy and I think he paniced at the last minute....which made me very angry at the time as I didn't have the luxury of running off for a few weeks I was faced with being on my own with a baby and just having to get on with it.

That's awful Seth, so sorry for you.

If he admits to himself that the last 8 years were great, you did nothing wrong, you had a great time together, and you were a wonderful wife, then he has to accept that he is the 'bad' one that has ended it, and what's more, left you in the lurch carrying his child. He knows how that is going to look to everyone, that you will get so much sympathy and he will be cast as the bastard who left his pregnant wife and child. Especially if it is for another woman as you seem to suspect.

So it is much easier for him to abdicate responsibility and blame you for rewritten faults. This probably is quite subconcious, essentially he is trying to justify his decision to himself, and to you, and to everyone you might tell about the split. He probably wants to make you feel, and admit to, being at fault so he doesn't have to look and feel so unreasonable and selfish.

He is doing it because he is a cockmuncher. Do try to ignore it and let your friends and family comfort and support you. What a twassock- I could come round and kick him

So sorry, love. I saw your post on Ashley's thread and so I'm glad you've made another one of your own. The other girl is, I suspect, hugely significant - in fact, what ever he says to the contrary, I suspect he wouldn't have left you or behaved like the shit he has if he wasn't forming an attachment to someone else.

It's a horribly common practice that people having an affair re-write history - it's the only way they can justify to themselves - and others - what is inexcusable behaviour. Consequently, although I think affairs are wrong, I've got some respect for people who are honest and say "actually, my marriage was pretty happy, or at least not unhappy, until OW/OM came along. Ok, it was a bit boring, we could have done with a bit of a shake-up, but that was my responsibility too." I think a lot of affairs happen in marriages like that, but of course people have to invent what they think are better reasons for their infidelity. Please note that I am excepting abusive relationships from this equation.

This is ghastly for you Seth, but if your suspicions about an OW are correct, in a strange way it might help you. You can then remind yourself that this is not your fault and that all these things he's saying are lies - to himself, to you and to others. Unfortunately, a lot of OW in this girl's position delude themselves that all he's saying is true, because how could they live with themselves getting involved with someone who has ditched his pregnant wife? Much easier for them to demonise the wife, because it gets them off the hook too.

The truth is - unless you have been abusing him, or he'd been telling you for years that he was desperately unhappy (in which case, why did he make a child twice?) there are no excuses for what he's done. Even if he had been desperately unhappy, the decent thing to have done was to stay with you when you are at your most vulnerable. What are his family saying about his behaviour - and his friends?

Hard as it is, try to adopt a Teflon shell to all this emotional abuse and keep telling yourself that you are the better person.

Hi whenwillifeelnormal thanks for your post. He has said that he 'has spent the last 3-6 months getting 'too close to' someone else at work. He said taht they kissed twice and that she cmae out to a night where him and his friends were recently becuase she knew he would be there. He swears that that's all there is to it and I worry that if I keep asking I just look desparate. do you or does anyone else have any 'failsafe' lines of questioning to get the truth? I was thinking of 'Ironically I think i could be able to move on so much better if you just told me there was someone else' or 'I need to know what I'm up against here. At least if I know you are involved with or intend to be involved with this other girl then I can get some sort of closure faster that I am doing' Anybody got any other things that have worked ?!

Asking him questions like this won't work Seth. At the moment, he's so up his own arse that he hasn't got the humanity and compassion to see that honesty is what's called for. He's also passing the buck onto her ("I didn't invite her out, honest, she just happened to know exactly where'd I'd be...")

If he's admitted to kissing her twice, even if that is all they've done (and I'm sceptical, but some OW pretend to do the noble thing and refuse sex until the man leaves, when all they are doing is dangling an enormous carrot that can be more powerful than the sex itself) be under no illusions that he is having an affair.

I wouldn't say you need to know what you're up against either, because that implies that you're willing to compete with her. Even if you are, he really shouldn't know that at the moment!

No, find your evidence if you can from elsewhere. Then the choices are: do battle if you want him back. Or expose him as a fraud of the highest order, tell all and sundry (including her if necessary) the real reasons your marriage broke up and decide you wouldn't have him back under any circumstances. I'd obviously prefer you to do the latter because of how you've been treated, but I understand that you might feel your marriage is worth fighting for, in which case I think it's our job to help you with that - and any other choices you make.