think my hubby wants out [sad] dont quite know what to do

[micramummy]

my husband and I have been through the mill....to say the least. BUT I really felt like if we could just get through the next 18 months or so we will start being able to look forward and get somewhere.
never mind how difficult things have got for us in the past we have never really argued or fall out with eachother and always loved eachother.... a lot.
However, the last couple of months he has felt a little distant and although our sexlife had always had problems he seems to spend most of his time away fom me now, watches TV in other lounge and comes to bed really late. I asked him a few weeks ago if everything was alright and if he had met someone else and he just laughed and said don't be stupid , as if he had the time
and was just a bit down. This morning I asked him for a cuddle, he gave me a half hearted hug and I said " you dont even seem to want a cuddle me nevermind anything else, do you want to split up? whats going on?" and he said he didnt feel like he had any time to himself and needs to sort his head out.
he has gone to work and I dont quite know what to do? I did try relate a few weeks ago to see if we needed professional help to talk through everything we have been through. I went to 6 appointments but he went to 2 and then stopped saying he doesnt like it.

well I have tried to talk to him abit more but he has gone away for the weekend now for contact, he doesnt seem to be able to say much except he feels a thick greyness and needs to sort out whats going on in his head.
He said he doesnt feel like he does anything for himself only for other people and has lost who he is, we both admitted that we have lost our way underneath alll the crap that has been thrown at us over the years but Im worried that its too late, Im worried he has switched of. I feel hollow

I feel so sorry for both of you.

I, am struggling at the moment and it isn't nice.

fabisverylucky
I just hope as I said its not too late because the times we did go to relate the counseller said that we obviously love eachother and have the potential to be so happy if only he could get through his depression and start standing up to some of his haunts and I could start having confidence in him instead of feeling I have to take on the world on my own.
I dont want to be another divorce statistic

It is so hard.

I am considering getting my AD's increased and dh and I have talked this morning and have had a lovely day out with the kids.

I do believe if you both want things to work out you are half way there.

Agree with Fab - "if you both want things to work out you are half way there".

If I look back on my relationship if we had perhaps been to Relate at a time when we both wanted things to work we may have been able to repair things.

Unfortunately, XP didn't fancy it so we didn't go. I also didn't realise how unhappy he was as he didn't tell me. Eventually he met someone on a forum and the rest is history - months and months of absolute hell and major DC issues.

So...if you think that you can both do things to try to make the relationship work (time together, counselling etc) then I would do that. That's what I tried to do once I became aware of OW but sadly XP was so taken with OW "in same unhappy situation" as him that it was too late.

whenwillI, I wish I'd read your post on how to spot an OW a few months ago. Blimey, that strikes a few chords.

Whether there's an OW here or not, things need to change quickly for you. I was in a similar situation this time last year and with hindsight I'd have asked H for a separation straightaway rather than endure a slow and painful emotional and physical distancing, and eventually find about the OW way after it was too late. I was convinced there was nobody else, H had gained weight, seemed depressed, and worked so much I couldn't imagine him having time. He did.

The bottom line is that if he doesn't want to change things, you can't do it on your own. I know how scary it is but face this now, and deal with it. You might find you scare him into action, if not, there probably wasn't that much to salvage I'm afraid. Good luck