relationship with my mother is at breaking point - help!

[shoptilidrop]

I no longer know how to deal with her. The last 6/8 months or so have got progressivley worse. Shes not just terrible to me, she is to my sister and we seem to share the brunt of her anger. My brother seems to get away with not having it directed at him. She is going through the menopause, so we have all tried to be understanding of that, but after last night its got to the point that i would happily walk away.

I realise this might sound a bit pathetic, and it is, buts its just a thing in a long line ot times when she has behaved badly or really overstepped the mark.

Anyway, she was looking after DD for me, she picked her up from nursery at 3pm and i got to hers at 4pm. I have just got a new job and found out just then. She was pleased for me. At tea time she said that i needed to concentrate on my job and should have no distractions ie: Men. Now, im a lone parent. Its a year since i split up with my husband. In that time, ive had one casual relationship that lasted a few weeks. I am now seeing someone, but hadnt said anything, as its all very new and i didnt know where it was going. I told her that was a daft thing to say to someone, and what if i was seeing someone already. To which i replied that i was.
Following that, came 3 hours of having a go at me:
She is apparently hurt and offended that i didnt tell her sooner
cross and angry that i have lied about it and therefore i have let her down.
pissed off that ive taken her for a mug as she sometimes helps me out and therefore according to her she she know everyhitng that i am up to.
i got it in the neck that i have been to his house, ( which is a drive away) and didnt tell anyone where i was.
and that he has been here and he could have been anyone and i could be dead as you see it in the news!

Also, apparently, they say he probably has another girlfriend ( as he lives a bit away, of course, i mean, why would he like me???)_ and hes lying and just trying to impress me. ( he owns several businesses, and when i showed them the websites to prove it was true they said , yes well, he could just make it all up!)

Im bloody sick of it. Im 31. I dont need to report every detail to my life to everyone and am entitled to a private life. I have told my mother that so many times. But she just doesnt stop it. She is suffocating me. The argument went on for hours and hours andn then in the end she tried the old emotional blackmail about how id hurt her and that she hopes one day my daugher will do it to me and then i will know how it feels.

wtf do i do?

Well anyone who has a relationship could end up dead from it and not just at the start - that is also in the news! Presumably you are reasonably careful when you start dating someone; once you decide they're OK there's not much you can do to avoid visiting each other, is there? No wonder you don't tell her stuff.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum (not like this, other stuff, long story) and I do find that just telling her straight, as politely as possible, works best. So in this case I would say "I am actually 31, I am sensible and I don't always tell everyone about everything I'm up to, please could you respect that."

If she is having a go at you for 3 hours, don't stick around for it. Don't flounce off (that's just engaging with it at the same level), but say "I really need to go now, we're obviously not seeing eye-to-eye over this but I will see you later" and leave. Make up an excuse if necessary "I said I would pop round to a friend's house to check on her cat" or whatever. She can't physically imprison you so just go. Make it clear, without getting hysterical, that you can't be arsed with being told off by her and you've got better things to do.

Dont get into the argument - take your dd and leave - tell her you are not discussing it with her. End of conversation.

Why argue for hours and hours - why show her the websites - just tell her its your decision - its your life - it has nothing to do with her and walk away.

You are an adult not some wayward teenager - you need to grow some

ah - but i dont think i need to grow some... i did already and i think that is the problem. She doesnt like it.

I did leave, i told her i wasnt discussing it. I told her, that i was a grown up and that its my own business and i dont have to tell anyone anything. I said over and over again that it is ridiclous.

Doing that just seems to wind her up even more. Im talking standing over me waving her arms about and screaching in my face. I said to her how dare to you speak to me like that in front of my child. And she retored with, so what, she has seen you shout before.

Discusting behaviour.

I showed them the webistes, as when they asked what he did for a living and i told them, they said it was a lie and that i was gulliable and niave for believeing it.

Yes, i did drive up to see him, but so what! I dont really see the problem with that. DD was with her dad and i had my phone on me and AA cover. so if my car had broken down or something i would have been ok. Im perfectable capable of sorting things out for myself.

She also was not impressed with the way i met him. I came out of a course on work and saw him in the street taking pictures. Thought he was the most lush man on earth and went and spoke to him. According to my mother, that is sluttish and irresponsible behaviour and i should be behaving more appropiatley now that i have a child.

i had a bit of sympathy for her when you mentioned menopause.. my mum was terrible... but she does sound completely out of order.And it doesn't necessarily sound like hormonal imbalance kinda thing.
She has overstepped the mark.. i would ignore her for a while..hope she calms down... and then pick a time to talk to her about HRT!

You have to stop telling her so much imo.

I doubt I would have told her about the new relationship.

But even if I did I wouldn´t feel the need to justify it.

You need to not involve her so much.
What she doesn´t know she can´t pass an opinion on.

thing is, ive been seeing him for 3 months and havent said anything.
Its just getting difficult as we are spending more time together and she would find out at some point.
For example - she phones me about 7 times a day. If i dont answer the mobile, she calls the landline, if i dont answer that, she calls the mobile..... repeat until i answer the phone. If i dont answer either, she comes looking for me and drives past the house.
If ive gone somewhere and havent told her first she gets the hump. Ive told her before that this has to stop. But it doesnt.
If she calls and im with a friend and i say, i cant talk im busy, i will call you back. She gets the hump.
BUT, if i call her and she doesnt answer, or is busy. thats ok.

Its stiffling and i dont understand why she is like this with me. We had a big falling out and i didnt see/speak to her from the age of 18 to 28. I do wonder if its something to do with that, and maybe she still sees me as an 18 year old.

Im just sick of it. Plus, in some ways im very different to her. Ive very spontaneous, confident, extrovert person. and yes, a lot of the time i do act, then think later. But im not a stupid person and have never come to any harm, nor would i do something that was ' risky'. Im 31!!!! not 13.

Plus - shes always falling out with my sister because she doesnt tell mum anything at all - for the reasons above. I said this to mu last night, that i can understand why. But she just went off at me even more.

I might be wrong here but to me, telling your mum everything isn´t what adults do.

You have to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Perhaps she is afraid of losing you again-but she is surely going the right way about making that happen!

You have to set boundaries-phone/see each other once a week for example.

i know - i totally agree with you. I have told her this 1000 times.
I have also told her its unacceptable.

She doesnt listen, or change her behaviour. It just continues, after an almighty row, for which she will never appolgise for.

Thats why i dont know what to do about it anymore. I dont mind speaking to her once a day, once, but not 7 times. I dont mind telling her somethings.. but i am entitled to a private life and should not be chastised for having one.

Last night she asked why i hadnt said about seeing him earlier. i tried to reason with her ( mistake number 1 ) that i didnt know what was happening and did i need to tell her, ' oh, someone chatted me up today, we swapped numbers' only a week later to say ' no, he didnt call' or ' no, i dont fancy him'. She said yes!

Ive been trying to set boundaries for the last 8 months. Nothing works with her. Short of just tellling her i dont want to speak to her at the momment, i really just dont know what to do.

shop

Her reactions are those of a "toxic parent". I know some on here do not like this term applied but in this case re your Mum it certainly fits her actions. My guess is that she has always acted like this too, this is not just due to the menopause. It seems that you and your sister are the scapegoats for her own poorly made life choices.

If you have not already done so I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward along with a book entitled "When you and your Mother cannot be friends". Yet another is "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

She sees you still as a child, someone to be controlled. Now as an adult she still wants to control you. She will never respect any boundaries you apply, she may even have a personality disorder. She is a deeply damaged individual but you are not responsible for her.

You cannot change her but you can change how you react to her. Ultimately you may feel you need to cut her out of your lives completely.

What hours will you be working in your new job-congrats, btw!

Will she be looking after your daughter at all?

What does she do all day what does your dad think of her behaviour?

attila - thanks.
I havent read the books, but i have heard that mentioned before.
I did cut her out for about 10 years. She sought contact again, saying how she had changed, but 3 years down the line - she hasnt.

She does want to control me. I was in hospital recently. without my permission or knowledge she booked my car into the garage and got it repaired. I then had to pay for it and i was meant to be thankful. She keeps nagging me about doing things, like my car MOT. doesnt need to be done until the end of december. How many times do you think she had a go at me about it yesterday.. probably about 20. I know how to get a MOT done. Im more than capable.

You are exacally right, - i cant change her, she wont change her behaviour. I dont want to cut her out again, but i just cant see what else to do.

But how did she get your car to the garage to do that?

I was in hospital - she had said i had to stay with her when i got out. I had to drive to hers and leave my car at hers. She kept the keys

I was and still am fuming about it. I knew nothing about it at all until after she had done it. I knew what was wrong with the car, but having just lost my job could not afford to do anything about it. She knew that, but did it anyway and then i had to pay £150 that i didnt have.

Then had a go at me saying i was ungrateful when i said she shouldnt have done it.

Perhaps you have to tell her that she is driving you away again.

That she really hasn´t changed & you are not willing to put up with it any more.

When she got in contact again, was it because you were pregnant?

no - i did have a 6 month old child who she had never met. I am fully aware that that was the reason she got in contact.

I had been living in germany until that point so she couldnt have got in contact with me. But as soon as i was back in the uk she got my sister to talk to me.

Of course, she tells every one how i got in contact with her as i needed my mum. Which is bollocks.

In all the ten years, did she make contact at all?

This will sound horrible,but if you had a friend who treated you like this, you wouldn´t bother with them anymore.

Why shouldn´t that also apply to relatives?

Do you get anything from the relationship?

no, she didnt. I sent a birthday and christmas card every year. Sometimes i included my phone number as well.

I do know for a fact, that despite being in regular contact with her for the last 3 years, her partner of 11yrs family ( and who she is marrying next year) dont know i exist nor my dd. My mother said she only had 2 children, ( also another daughter noone sees) noone of her friends know about me either.

AND - she acuses me of lying to her when i said i was tired and having an early night so she didnt call and interupt when i was seeing new bf!

YOu can't stop her doing these things by asking/telling.

The only way to stop it is to stop engaging.

So don't answer the phone (or screen calls with answerphone).

Don't tell her what is going on in your life and refuse to engage when she gets angry about it. Practise phrases you can use such as 'I am 31 and am perfectly able to conduct my own life' or 'do you realise how hurtful/nasty that is' (ok someone on here has probably got some better ones.

Don't let her look after your child or do anything/give you anything. She will use this to control you/have a hold over you.

If you want to continue a relationship with her then you need to have very strict boundaries.

My mum is similar - at one point I changed my mobile number and refused to give her the new one, I refused to give her my new address for a while when I moved. And that was when I was still in contact with her. I had to for my own sanity.