was my ex a narcassist?

[poshsinglemum]

I have posted a lot about my abusive ex.

His traits were;
He followed me at the beginning of the relationship and made sure he was around me until I felt pressured into the relationship.
Dissing my hobbies and interests yet expecting me to fully embrace his.
Dissing my family.
Pressuring me into sex.
Refusal to kiss me if I ate meat (he was vegetarian)
Long lectures/rants about his belief systems and expression of hatred towards people who had different lifestyles.
Didn't want me to go to Uni or get educated.
Called me a bitch when I got better a-level results.
He took drugs yet complained if I drank alchohol.
He'd watch a lot of tv and refuse to talk to me.
Emotionally blackmailed me into returning from my travels early then refused to look at my photos and told me off for talking about it.
Thought he was an authority on various topics.
Racist tendancies- thought the French were ALL like this or that.
General hatred of humans. (Although he did love animals)
Absorbtion in one particular hobby which he expected me to take on the extent of all others.

Gosh- why did I put up with it. If I know he had npd I think it will help me come to terms with it.

I dunno about npd. He certainly seems to have a lot of those traits.

What I can say with utmost authority, however, is that he was an absolute twat, that you are better off without him.

Also, you have to stop blaming yourself, learn from your time with him and stop letting it ruin your life now

He is still abusing you while thoughts of his awful treatment of you continue to dominate your thoughts.

Yes he was/is.

I'm sorry this still is churning around your head, posh. It's definitely worth reading the Lundy Bancroft book someone mentioned in the other thread.

Not sure if he was npd, but he was definitely a really bad partner, and you did right to leave him.

Do you think you need some help in coming to terms with all this? Maybe a counsellor or someone? It's natural to spend some mental energy in sorting this out, but you don't want to get "stuck".

I used to lie in bed every night and go over my ex's behaviour, but I've decided that I always come to the same conclusion, so I might as well skip all the self-questioning.

The problem is I didn't finish it. I got very very ill and almost died and he ran off because he was ''frightened''. There were many times in the relationship when I wanted to leave but I was stuck. I don't know why.I was gutted when the relationship ended even though I knew it wasn't right.

He phoned up five years ago to apologise and he said it had taken him a failed marriage and two kids to realise what a controlling bastard he had been. He said that he hated himself and had to have councelling.

The apology did help and I buried it but recent events that are too complicated to cite here have bought back the anger and I feel that i buried it(mostly through drink) rather than dealing with it.

I am having cbt which should help.

I think I do recognise the narcassist in him and therefore I am finding it easier to deal with and I am happy that I can now hopefully avoid future ones.

Please remember narcissists don't change either...so he'll always be like that if he is a true narcissist.

Good luck with the therapy!

posh, so finish it now

draw a line under it

it is behind you, the only way is forward

Ok will try. Part of me will always resent him for wrecking my degree in Biological Sciences. I did go on to get a different degree but I might go back to Uni when I'm in my 50's and finish what I started. I am still interested in working with nature and the environment.

I got very ill too - it can be your body's way of leaving a situation. Somatisation is a recognised form of dealing with mental distress and I would mention it to your CBT counsellor.

In the normal world, people don't leave when you get sick. He did and that says a lot, with or without his later apology. My ex insisted that I wasn't sympathetic enough to how difficult it was for him when I got ill. Apparently I was so unsupportive he had to start taking antidepressants and have counselling. Hmm, if only I could have been a better partner.

Hiya queen.

The illness was anorexia nervosa which was inevitable as I let him control waht I ate.
No meat, dairy, only organic, no alchohol. He was OBSESSED with food and lectuered me extensively about what foods were good and bad etc.
I had the chance to be with a good man but stuck by insane looser guy instead. iguess insane looser boys weld thems elves to us ladies as they can't cop without someone to feed off.

I think a lot of angre has resurfaced recently due to certain events.

Any idea why I was targeted? Why do narcassists need to target others?

i was quite vulnerable as I was only 16, at our school it was important to fit in and to ahve a boyfriend was a means to that end. I also had very low self- esteem.

I might heal but I will never forgive him. He knows that and I think or rather hope that he's ashamed. When he apologised he said he was surprised I didn't scream down the phone. I was surprisingly calm but I told him that his divorce was bad karma.

Hmmm, I still think anorexia is a form of somatisation but you have had a really hard time of it.

Reading your last post, my comments would be that firstly you should be (a lot) kinder to yourself and secondly I would try not to make rules or absolute statements such as 'I might heal but I will never forgive him'.

You are, quite rightly, still very angry but maybe you could explore ways of using that energy for positive things rather than anger. I don't know, you could be the best knitter ever or really excellent at writing haiku. But something that is about you now and in the future, not in the past.

Why were you targeted? Don't know, but for him the simple answer was because he could. This is one of the hard things, to accept that we were groomed not because we were special but because they could. It's dehumanising because it really isn't about us as people.

Thanks all. I am not going to waste my daughter's lovely childhood tyhinking of that looser.
The important thing is that I have a wonderful dd and she's much more important than a silly man!

Thanks for the replies.

His family said at the time that he ''adored'' me but his way of loving was control and ownership. I can't forgive myself really for being such a mug but I can be kinder to myself.