Pls help me save my marriage

[Valentina15]

Hello,

I need help in regards to my marriage - we have a beautiful 21 months old girl which we both love so much, but we just cannot get along anymore! We bicker constantly and we are so worried about how this is affecting our little girl. We both want to stop this behaviour and change but we feel so hopeless we sometimes feel that separating could be an option even though we really love each other. We have tried Relate but the counsellor we found through them cost £70 per hour and honestly we do not have that kind of money! Who does?! We both work part-time and share childcare. I recently started working again after a long maternity leave and find it hard to accept the way he looks after our girl - i.e. he thinks she doesn't need tights while I think she is freezing cold without them, so all day we argue about the fact that he didn't put tights on her! I know it's silly, but I feel I cannot trust him to look after my baby properly. Since I have become a mother, I feel every man is selfish and careless, what happened to me? I feel like a lioness with a cub but this is destroying my marriage! Also our girl never sleeps and keeps coming to our bed every single night and I am just too tired to do anything about it. I am sure this is also affecting our marriage as our sex life is crap at the moment - it was never perfect before, but still...
Pls help! Sorry about the long post.
Valentina

I feel for you. It's hard work having a child - and the constant bickering with your DH doesn't help. I've been there. It's not that your DH is not trustworthy but generally men don't think as logically as women (sorry to any male posters).

I felt the same about my DH. You need some time to remember that your not just mummy and daddy. Can you afford to go out for a night and get a baby sitter? It will probably do you the world of good.

I bett your DH is feeling just as bad. my DC's are now 4 & 6 and it does get easier although we still bicker sometimes (usually over the most stupid thing).

Being a mother really does bring out the protective nature in us, it's not that your DH doesn't love your DD any less, it's just that they don't think and then us women criticise and they feel worse and then the bickering starts.

PLease consider having some quality time together away from the home. Also you DD sleeping in your bed must stop (I know it's hard) but it will make you tireder in the long term and therefore cause more arguements (I'm terrible when I have know sleep).

I hope this helps, sorry if I sound headteacherish but I have honestly been where you are and I really feel for you. Keep posting, as it helps to talk and share.

Yes,I agre with the above poster.

It is difficult.

I think to some extent you also need to let him get on with it and the times when he is looking after your baby to relax a bit as well.I remember coming home to find dp had dressed the dcs in the most bizarre and unsuitable ensembles for the weather and going "WTF have you dressed tehm in[shock}",but ultimately the dcs had had a whale of a time when being with daddy as opposed to mum even though he had made some very odd (imo) dress,food and entertainment choices.I got stressed at first but later realised the dcs actuallly quiter enjoyed the differences between mummy and daddy days (As long as he wasn't actually endangering their health or welfare I mellowed a bit)

I agree, men just don't think the same as women when it comes to looking after the kids. I am totally OCD when it comes to taking care of them, it is my life and I have particular ways of doing things. I know DH tries his best, but he never does things they way I would. DDs clothes never match when he dresses them, I have seen them go out in pyjamas because he has been in the wrong drawer when he dresses them! And don't get me started on the mess he leaves in his wake.

However, I have stopped nagging him about it because, when it comes down to it, it is mostly stuff that doesn't matter, and undermining him sours our relationship, spoils the fun he has with the girls and ultimately affects them, and there is nothing constructive about it. He is not ever going to be me, and I've realised that that is fine, my girls I believe will ultimately benefit from the balance they get from having two different parents who give them different things.

The only thing that grates sometimes is that I feel I am the less fun one who is always tidying up, but heigh ho!

I think the sooner you let your DH do things his way when he is responsible for childcare, the sooner things will improve! I honestly do understand how irritating it must be but at the end of the day if he doesn't out tights on your DD is it really worth the stress of arguing? I also think your issues can only be made worse by the lack of sleep, is there anyway you could take a bit of time off and have a few days working together to really crack the sleeping issue? It may take a few nights of doing the same thing (ie returning your DD to bed and not letting her in with you) but she'll get the idea soon enough. I personally think once you have sorted that issue the rest will be easier to sort out..

Good luck.

I was terrible when I had DS1 and would take it personally if DH took a babygrow from the left side instead of the right. I was rotating them, didn't he know?!?!?

Your dd will not come to any harm by not wearing tights but what about buying some knee socks as a compromise? Maybe he finds the tights hard to put on and just doesn't want to say?

You both what to make this work so you are half way there. Talk. Cuddle and make a plan to get your dd back in her own bed.

Good luck.

Thanks for all your messages - I will try and let go of the little things - after all I know you are right, he does try his best.
I am totally OCD about it and it has to do with the fact that it has always been me looking after her, nobody else. He was only playing with her - never dressed her, never changed nappies, never put her to sleep, never really fed her, just bottle feeding once in a while. He always said that the practical things of looking after her were MY JOB, as he already had a full time job - I rather did it myself anyway, so didn't push him...now that things have changed, he has a different attitude thankfully, but still...

The sleeping issue is ten times harder because he actually doesn't mind her in our bed. If he did support me, I would be stronger in returning her to her bed. Her room is downstairs and going up and down hundred times a night with him saying, 'don't let her suffer, bring her upstairs' is so much tougher.

I must find a solution. But thanks for all your advice, it has been really helpful.

It might just be that he can't figure out how to put tights on her, or it might be that he reasons boys don't freeze to death in pants so girls won't either. And how about getting a little fold up camping bed for your room or the landing for your DD if she gets up and won't go back to her own bed?

Take a deep breath and ask yourself if the clothes choices are really going to kill your DD, then bite your tongue. And I agree that the more he does it, the better he will become, and the more he can take ownership of the childcare job, the more he will be inclined to contribute in the setting of boundaries. Right now he's sort of using her to get at you, imo. Stop nagging and let him get on with it.

But these are only the details -- I think there's a turf thing going on here. You have had to cede the mummy turf to him at least partially, while you can't understand why he doesn't see the bedroom as yours and his turf and lets DD invade it nightly. So you feel the loss of your constant job with DD and the undermining of your hands-on parental role with her, plus the reduction of your couple-ness that happens when DD is allowed to intrude on you nightly. And then there's the sexual frustration and tension on top of everything else.

I recommend Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (can't remember the author), and getting out sometimes for a date. Reclaiming yourselves as a couple is the first priority here, and then you can try to get on the same page and start working together to set sleep boundaries with your DD.