Friendships after relationship break up

[queenofdenial2009]

I left my abusive ex in July this year which was a Good Thing. My 'real' friends have been fantastic and helped me out enormously. We lived in a small village but they helped me get away and move into a new house in our local town.

My ex is another one of these NPD weirdos and has turned people in my old village against me. I don't know exactly what he has told them, but when I ran into one recently at a work thing she could barely look at me and she had been a good friend of mine.

We didn't have many friends as is often the case, as he drove so many away. But I was extremely good friends with the wife of someone he works in the same field as. We have similar aged children, been on holiday together and me and her would often meet up.

I haven't spoken to her since I left and tbh really miss her. It's awkward as my ex and her DH often still work together. I know he has been to see them with DD a couple of times. Should I contact her or just put it down to one of the things that you lose when you leave this sort of relationship?

I think forging new friendships following break ups is a more joyful aspect of the healing process. Sometimes friendships closely tied within the former relationship are best left alone.

I do understand your wish to contact her though. If you do, do you feel able to cope with a rebuffal if, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel able to rekindle your friendship?

Abusive exes often tend to continue their abuse in the form of slander, following the break up of a relationship. NPD 'wierdos' seem to have a particular need to 'Poor Me' their way well into the future, to anyone who bothers to listen. It is all they have left to do, very pathetic!

Hold your head high and keep living your life as you want, nothing will limit his 'power' and lies more than that. ...apart from a strongly worded solicitors letter wrt slander, maybe.

I agree, sometimes the past is best left behind and my bigger concern than a rebuttal is my ex hearing about it as he could see it as the start of a game to play. I've really distanced myself and he's being very restrained about things, but with a long-suffering, pained look in his face and a tear in his eye. Yet he never even asked me why I left secretly one day after more than seven years together.

There is also a part of me that thinks that maybe I don't want to know what he has been saying about me. I don't want to be itching to set things right. I thought it would just go, this feeling of wanting to be in touch with her. It's just she was a good friend and understood more of my situation than anyone else and was very supportive in an understated way.

Queen, It's Maggie from the NPD thread.

If she didn't instinctively know that your version of events was the correct one, then don't put yourself on trying trying to convince her. If she was a real true friend, not a situation and circumstances friend, she would know that what he was saying was bullshit.

It's not easy, but try and cut loose any common acquaintances. It's stressful. You probably spent YEARS proving yourself and defending yourself and explaining yourself to him, and you do NOT need to do the same all over again to a bunch of people who are merely acquaintances anyway.

I suspect that my x told all the neighbours and the few mutual acquaintances we had a whole pack of lies about me (but to him it's the truth). I'm lucky that it doesn't matter because I'm nowhere near.

Please realise though that people will make up their own minds. I will not be told by the x of anybody whether to think well of them, whether or not to like them. Do you see what I'm saying? NO sane person is going to get to know you and let your x tell them what to think.

They'll make up their own mind.

BUT........ I still think that it's better for your mental health to move on and make new friends as much as is possible. I know you're living in a small village.

People recognise bitterness when they hear it and they also recognise melodrama and self-ppity and delusion I think.

I'm really sorry that the woman you thought was a real friend listened to his version of events. NONE of my friends would give my x the time of day.

And as for old neighbours.... I can't believe I once cared what they thought (but yes I did)....

sorry, typo - I mean "do not put yourself on trial trying to convince her of your side