Tell me to move on..

[feelingpositivemum]

Please tell me why it's driving me so mad. ,
Long story, I have got out of a hideous relationship,(two months ago) he was/is a npd ars...le.

He has met someone else, no suprises as he can't be on his own for one night.

I am pleased really as it gets him out of my hair and I feel sorry for her if anything. I definitely don't want him back. But...it really hurts...so much.

But, it feels like japanese torture, I think if he tells me her name, where he met her, etc I'll be able to handle it as fact and I'll be ok with that. He won't, he says when it's important he will.

Is he playing games with me? Why won't he just be normal and honest. It is driving me mad. I feel as manipulated as ever. Or maybe I'm being unreasonable.

Tell me off!

Do you have kids with him? Is that why you are still in contact?

Yes, we have four. And we work together. And I live opposite his house. Oh it sounds so mad written down. How did I get into this mess.

The kids are 1 3, 11, 7, and 6 so I have years of being sucked dry by this relationship.

I sit everyday in my 'old' front room in my 'old ' house next to my 'old' H. How much more mad can you get.

I have said that I can no longer work together but it will take until March to sort out company.

Meanwhile, he has me at his beck and call whilst cultivating my replacement. And, I just do it...I don't have a brain of my own. And he just won't tell me who she is. I just need a name, to stop it being another game.

Sounds horrible, I can relate to this one.

My XP has been seeing OW for a long time but continued to lie about her and protect her for ages when it would have been so much easier just to be honest. I finally got some information about her and that has made things somewhat better although I still feel that the lies he has told make it difficult for us to get on right now.

I am glad that he's gone and wouldn't have him back but I think it would be better for the DC's if he could just be honest rather than continuing to slope around telling half truths and putting me in a difficult position.

Why has he moved in opposite to you? Sounds like a head-fucker to me. Just ignore him- he is sucking you into his melodrama.

Don't give him the satisfaction... it's feeding him.

nonchalance.... that'll kill him, beat the NPD at his own game..

Her name is Jane Doe, she was the first girl that smiled at him and you do not care. It really does not matter who she is, unless you want to send her flowers with a "thank you" note on it.

He is just gaming you because you want the name, he knows it, and it's a power play on his part to not tell. As you well know, your frustration is his entertainment. As soon as you tell him you don't care (and mean it) he will probably blurt it out in 60 seconds or less because the power play is over.

You are right to be glad he has someone else. Rejoice and embrace the joy and relief I know you must feel.

Turn your attention to yourself. "Yourself" is a void now because he sucked your identity out of you. That is why your brain has developed a reflex to jump over to him.

Spend this time to fill you back in. This reinvention of yourself should have an absolute 100 percent ZERO tolerance of his existence, by the way. Kick him out of your brain. If he pops into your brain, reboot immediately. Find a hobby, plan a menu, design a quilt-have any number of things lined up for your brain to think about rather than him. It is a process of training...don't give up; it will take some time.

Why can't he be normal? You said he is NPD...these are not normal people and never will be. (My experience is with my Middle Sister.)

Good luck.

love the 'flowers with a thank-you-note' idea, amazing!

She is just a filler. She is a rebound. Ignore them as much as you can.

Why is he living over the road?

Oh and also, you NEED to not be working with him, that is not good at all. I would do everything in your power to either hire someone else to replace you, or get things sorted out now so you can just leave without a replacement. It is not healthy for you and gives him opportunities to try and hurt you emotionally

Sorry to be thick, what is NPD?

He is living over the road because we all lived there, then when we separated, a house over the road was for sale.

At the time, because it felt so hard to split time with the kids it seemed a 'good idea' to move over the road! Also, because I have no thought processes of my own and I am just an extension of him, why wouldn't I.
As I have some space and time to myself, I can see how mad it is.

I am gradually finding my own feet, I have said I am not working with him any more. Yay.. I am stupidly just focussed on this OW now , he can justify it all though. I hate giving him the satisfaction of caring and am trying to pretend I don't care. I am fairly useless at it though. I hate the lies, when it's so obvious I can see when he's out!

He is amazing though, just had another row about his deceit, and his lies and then as I go he has the nerve to ask me to help with his boiler. Told him where to shove said boiler. felt good.

Sorry, jools37, NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I have read Lundy book back to front and upside down..really helpful but I still get so frustrated that these people do not have proper thought processes.

Oh how I wish!

Make up a porn star name for her and use it to refer to her whenever she comes up in conversation between you and your H. If he complains just say you had to think of something to call her as it was awkward not knowing her name