My partners drinking has ruining our lives

[dragonfly00]

Hi,

I am new to this so please bear with me not really sure where to start.

Basically my partners drinking is really getting me down, I am worried for his health and our bank balance. He will not accept that he has a problem but he needs to drink everyday, some days it will only be a bottle of wine other days 3 ++, I don't think I am over reacting but I really think this is too much. Sometimes he is so drunk he will fall over and just make a complete idiot of himself. He will drink @ home alone, when we visit family and freinds, a day will not go by when he does not imbibe he says he needs it too relax. I found out that he was drinking @ work last year but he promised this has now stopped. I have lost total respect for him and now find him very unattractive, he looks old. This has been going on for many years and I think it really has taken its toll.

We live in a small village and he buys his drink from the local shop each night and I know people are talking and I find this very embarrasing, our son who is 9 has also made comments, like all his dad wants to do is drink and smoke rather than spend time with him.

I also enjoy a good drink and have had a drink problem in the past but I feel that when I do have a drink now it is encouraging him and I can not enjoy it, which makes me angry. This is now affecting all area's of our lives including our sex life, having sex with a really drunk person when you are sober (even if he could manage it) does not seem very appealing.

I just really want him to come to terms with what he is doing. Sorry for the rant but any suggestions would gratefully received, I feel so alone and unable to talk with anyone that understands.

Sue

I don't think I would say it upset me as such - but AA exists because, before AA, nothing worked (with the possible exception of things like the Oxford Group.)

And, even now AA does exist, a lot of people find AA and the thought of giving up completely too frightening to consider. Typically, either it (alcoholism) breaks them eventually, or they go mad, or they die.

I fully agree, too, that not everyone who drinks too much is an alcoholic. People drink too much for all sorts of reasons and some of them go away and some of them don't.

But, the thing about alcoholism - and, remember, the OP's husband describes himself as a "functioning alcoholic" - is that it is one of the reasons that doesn't go away. It is a recognised mental illness (like depression.) It stays around and it gets worse.

So, if someone is an alcoholic, whether they like it or not, their choices are limited, and they are extremely limited without AA, which is why I recommend it straight away.

I know not all of them like it or want to admit it, but not liking diabetes doesn't mean you can eat chocolate oranges with impunity and the same principle holds true for alcoholism.

Like I say, no offence taken - but I do think it is as well to air the facts, rather than wishes, in a discussion of this ilk.

I would be amazed., incidentally, if someone came on here saying, my partner is a heroin addict, and they received the advice, "why doesn't he just use at the weekend?" "Perhaps he should consider drinking a soft drink between hits?"

I think you have just (unwittingly) demonstrated two of the issues of being in a relationship with someone with a drinking problem.

First, your happiness so easily becomes linked with their drinking habits. You were "so happy" because you thought he hadn't drunk as much as you were fearing he might. And I imagine that when you discovered he'd been drinking brandy as well, you felt saddened, possibly a bit scared, maybe also betrayed. I'm not having a go at you - I can well remember exactly the same situations with my ex and I can still remember the feelings of relief that turned into hurt and betrayal when I found out the truth. But while it's very easy to fall into this way of thinking it does mean that your emotional state rises and falls on a tide of their booze. That's not healthy.

Second, you lose sight of what is "normal". You were so happy because you thought he'd only drunk a bottle of wine to himself. Most parents I know would only drink a whole bottle of wine when out with friends for a special celebration. And they wouldn't then drink for at least a couple of days afterwards, either.

Oh my god you are sooo right, though I think I should have said pleased he only had a bottle rather than happy, though I did wonder why he appered to be a bit pissed, should have know better.

OK, let's try to look at this without considering the actual quantities of alcohol.

1. You feel embarrassed by him while out with family and friends.
2. You find him unattractive and have lost respect for him.
3. He spends significant money on himself that should be put towards important joint things such as the mortgage.
4. He is a danger to himself and others by falling over.
5. His course of actions are affecting your son and you.
6. Your sex life is suffering because you don't want to have sex with someone in his condition.

So regardless of whether he's like this because he's a drinker or just a selfish twunt, is this life acceptable to you?

MIFLAW - good points, I think we are coming from the same place but with different approaches.

I'm going to step away from this now as you and snorbs have far more experience with this.

It seems to me that the OP has to act to protect herself and her son. She is uultimately powerless to help her partner unless he committs to getting help - which seems very unlikely.

Hear, hear, Sue - she is getting very close to the point where her own happiness and safety start to come first.

I mean, it does anyway - but it's getting to an either-or, "him or me" scenario by the sounds of it.

Hi dragonfly, agree with most everything that's been said here and ultimately SueMunch - you are powerless OVER HIM until he decides to get help but you do have the power to protect yourself and your son.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic who most certainly didn't drink every day. His pattern was to get truly and utterly wasted maybe once every 2-3 months to the point where he more often than not ended up in the cells. He has a police record now as long as my arm. Basically once he picks up a drink that's it, he can't stop but he certainly doesn't need it every day. His partner left him eventually after years of trying to deal with it. He seems much better now, and AA has been the biggest help to him.

I had a major drink dependency problem too, very similar to yours but now, whilst I still love a drink, it doesn't rule my life. I'd find living in a situation like yours unbearable - alcohol is absolutely the no.1 thing in your DP's life and nothing will change until he accepts he has a problem. Ultimately if you have to leave in order to get him to see sense, then that's what you'll have to do. Best of luck.

Hi dragonfly - just to add my voice to those of the experienced partners of addicts. If you search I am sure you will find lots more help. Just remember - there ARE happy endings. We have been to hell and back because of my DHs alcoholism but he has been sober for 2 years now and we have our life back. Through AA my DH has made some wonderful friends. There is SO MUCH ignorance about alcoholism and we could talk about it on here for ever. I always recommend the Getting Them Sober series of books by Toby Rice Drews (available on Amazon) and the website. It was a Godsend to me when I was going through the madness. The other thing I wish someone had told me is that detox on its own is no good at all. You are just getting the body back to normal. The alcoholic looks and feels wonderful but you can guarantee that a shortish way down the line they will start drinking again. IMO they must go to rehab then keep on in recovery with AA. Alcohol makes a monster out of lovely people who can behave in ways you would never imagine. Most people who have no experience of addiction will tell you to leave BUT if you know that the person you love is still inside then hang on in there. p.s. don't believe a word he says - old AA joke. When does an alcie lie? Whenever they open their mouth! True.