Difficult relationship with mother- sorry long

[SkipHopJump]

Before I start- I have no children and I am only 21, but I have a sickening addiction to lurking on mumsnet.

Currently at university away from home. Parents pay for my accommodation so very much still a child in that respect I suppose. I am not like a 'proper' 21 year old!!

Have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. My mum doesn't like him because he isn't at university- he is a manager of a shop. He is at college doing an access course part time too. He is a hard worker but she dislikes his three tattoos and his regional accent.

This is ok. I can cope with it. However, she recently found out we are sleeping together. Her and my father are very strict Christians and she went insane! She literally screamed at me for days, said I was pushing her into a depression etc etc. She made me take a preg test and go to clinic etc and told me in no uncertain terms to break up with him. Then my dad said he was going to ring him. Obviously I pointed out to my dad it would be reasonable to ring if I was 14, not when I am 21! At one point my mum shouted so much genuinely frightened me and I told her I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore. This is obviously a lie but I don't feel I need to tell people about my sex life unless I want to!

Since then she talks about it all the time. She rings me up to tell me they had a sermon about no sex before marriage blah blah. My boyfriend took me out for dinner for my birthday and she said 'you better be going home alone, there better be no overnight visitors'. She was really quite vicious about it and to be honest it's making me feel really down.

She has always been quite highly strung and been quite a shouter over things that could be none issues. Talking to her is like walking on eggshells, you have to be so careful not to critise or say anything she wouldn't like or she flips. She almost has tantrums- she storms off and shouts etc.

I don't know what to do about it all. I am so unhappy but I don't think I can actually go on with having to pretend I never even see my boyfriend or not being able to visit him. What can I do about this relationship with my mum? When she isn't insane she is actually good fun

I think you know that there are no easy answers to this. There are very few people in the world who lend/give money with no strings attached and the truth is that while your parents are bankrolling your accommodation they will believe that they have the right to interfere in your life.

You are an adult in a loving relationship and it is none of their business (unless you are at risk in some way) who you see and who you have sex with. They have to accept this and you have to act in a way that underlines this, not give in and buckle when they shout at you, otherwise you will never be independent and have your own life. I'm not underplaying how hard this will be - it must be a nightmare at the moment and you have my sympathy - but if you give in now you will regret it in the long term.

Is there any way you can finance yourself through university? If you can't then maybe you could postpone your course for a few years until you can. It's an old saying but 'he who pays the piper, calls the tune' really is true. Parents shouldn't manipulate their children with money but sadly they often do. I think you have to decide what is more important to you, your independence or your need for financial assistance.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. You don't deserve to be treated like this, it's perfectly normal to want a normal, sexual relationship at 21.

I think your parents are playing a very dangerous "game".

Suppose you end up marrying this man - what sort of relationship will your parents ever be able to have with him?

Suppose you break up with him despite loving him just to please your parents. You would be setting the scene for significant and long-lasting upset for you and more control/power for your parents just when the opposite would normally be happening.

Have you considered telling your parents just how upsetting the situation is to you?

I have told them. It's easier to talk to my father and I told him they were making me the most unhappy I have ever been.
I amone of those that cries all the time, but I managed to keep in the tears and talk to my mum in my most respectful voice. I told her I was 21 and capable of making my own choices, and that we will not have the same opinions forever and although she wants me to, we just won't always agree. She just screamed 'It's the wrong choice!!'

I have told her she needs to stop criticising (yes I spelled it right that time!) my boyfriend because she doesn't know him and it isn't fair. She told me he has nothing to offer (which is a pile of crap...but even if it was a genuine point- I don't feel she has a right to make it!)

Unfortunately it is almost impossible to have a calm and rational conversation with her. She is ill as well so I fell guilty when upsetting her.

I feel a sense of dread when she rings me, I have to get my boyfriend to be absolutely silent! After a phone call with her I feelphysically sick and panicky. I keep crying everyday, over the smallest things. I thought this might be because of the stress of this situation- but also it could be because I take cerazette!

It's upsetting because my older brother slept with his ex gf, obviously my mum must be naive to this fact! But he stayed over at her house all the time, and never had this problem.

How long before you finish university?

If it is this Summer you could always just "go along" with her demands. Just lie and say you are not sleeping with him. If you have a couple of years left it might be wise to work longer hours and get a loan. Plenty of people go to further education without parental support.

Long term, you will need to put in boundaries with your parents. You are a grown up and your sex life is absolutely none of their business. How would they like it of you interrogated them about their sex life?

This is so tricky - if it helps, I think your mother is being very very unfair. She's completely entitled to her beliefs; she's not entitled to impose them on you.

My oldest children are 22 and 20 - when I realised they were sexually active it was a very odd feeling. Especially, really, with my DD. They're still my babies - I know it sounds ridiculous, but those memories of them being little are still so clear and it's very hard to accept how well and truly over they are (despite also having 2 much younger DCs). And the sexual activity is the sort of ultimate proof that their childhood has gone, I suppose - I was quite sad. Of course, I haven't ever told them any of this.

So your mother probably is having some of the same emotions - it may well be less to do with her faith and more to do with feeling she's losing you. Hopefully she'll come to terms with this before long - in the meantime, you're right and she's wrong - just be firm and patient, refuse all discussions, screen your phonecalls.

Reality is right about the broken record method - it works(ish) with my mum.

My guess is as well that if you do tell your parents how upsetting this all is for you they will not listen but instead blame you for all their "ills". They will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You pushing her into a depression is a classic tactic employed by such people to make you feel worse. You though are not responsible for her actions, she has actively chosen to behave in such a manner.
You know at heart that such histrionic behaviour is not normal, these are the actions of dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy people.

Get caller id for your phone and screen your calls. An answering machine may also prove useful. Restrict all forms of contact with them to what you feel comfortable with.

At 21 you are old enough to make your own decisions re life and relationships; it is not their place to say such things to you. It is unhealthy and smacks of power and control; these people still want to control you and your life. Such people rarely if ever change but you can change how you react to them. You at present are letting them pull the strings because they are bankrolling your accommodation, their control has become normal to you. It does not really surprise me to read that your Mother has always been highly strung either. I would also argue that your Dad has acted as a bystander in this dysfunction by not fully protecting you from her excesses because of self preservation and his want of a quiet life. I would not let him off the hook either for those reasons.

Do you have siblings - if so how are they with them?

You may want to read the following:-
"If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth

"When you and your Mother cannot be friends"
(cannot recall author sorry)

"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward

Thanks Reality, that is exactly what I should say, isn't it- there does come a point where I do need to become an adult and take a bit more ownership of my own life. I don't want to upset my parents but I honeslt can't cope with it this way anymore.

My mum had a poor relationship with her mother. My grandmother was critical of everything my mother did when young- but this continued and she criticised the way she brought up my brother and I. If I allow this to continue it will be the same. She would criticise my marriage choice, the way I parent- I can see it now! And if it doesn't get sorted I am worried I will turn into her the way she turned into her mother

I just made a realisation this weekend past that my mum is Narcissistic. My whole life seems different now. I am not saying your mum is but I am saying that I had the same issues as you at your age - I am now 37.

Attila- everything you say makes a lot of sense. It is true I do feel like my dad hasn't ever protected me from her! When I was a child I was actually afraid of her.
I will look at the books, thank you.

I have one brother. He used to get a really hard time from my mother for everything (not concerning relationships though, strangely). I was the perfect child! I think this is because I was at home where my mum wanted me, and my brother was off at university- so he was the first one who was becoming an adult and she punished him for that. Now he is the perfect son because he is a genius! He always ignores her calls and sends her emails instead, where he gives her a lot of information about his work, but none about his life. I think he's got it right.

Such problems within families are often generational in nature as well. You can though break the cycle of control. There is hope for you because you realise that what she is doing is wrong; neither of your parents have that insight. Your brother in your Mum's eyes may well be the golden child whilst you are the scapegoat for her ills. This is perhaps why she treated his situation differently.

You rightly say that you don't want to upset your parents but they seemingly have no qualms at all about upsetting you at all.

You are not responsible for the way your mother is feeling. You are not at fault for her falling into depression, she is the only one who can control how she feels. You cannot live your life according to how your mother will react to each situation, so stop now.

Be firm, but polite and loving. Tell her that you love her very much but this is none of her business. And be prepared to say it over and over for the next 40 years because if she's like this now, imagine what she will be like if you have children!

Your story has all the hallmarks of a emotionally dysfunctional family unit.

When you were at home you were easier to control and be manipulated by your Mum. Now you are away from there you are being "punished" by your Mum as your brother was. Unfortunately as well your Dad has acted as a bystander (which is also commonly seen in these types of situations); I don;t think he protected either of you two properly from her excesses (for the reasons I cited earlier).

Think your Brother has the right approach with regards to his Mum. Undoubtedly he went through an awful lot too to get to that point.

I hope the books recommended will help you, this is not an easy situation at all to deal with.

I so appreciate all these replies. I have never before seen all of it as wrong, I thought I was wrong. It is only recently that my boyfriend has told me the way I get treated isn't right.

I have always attributed it to my parents' religion. That they have strong religious views so it is my fault if I don't adhere to them. Perhaps this isn't the case.

I would second the recommendation that you read 'Toxic Parents'. I love my mum but had a really, really hard time in my twenties convincing her that I was an adult and capable of making my own choices (even if they were the 'wrong' ones, I was entitled to make them!)

The thing I found hardest was sticking to that line - trying to say, gently but firmly, 'this is my value system and I'm sticking to it'. It's so difficult because you love her, she's your mum, and somehow it feels like turning the universe upside-down to disagree with her or hurt her, and unfortunately that gives her all the strongest cards to play emotionally. The book is very good on how to be firmly assertive without upsetting them - and how to deal with it if they are upset.

I now have a very good relationship with my mum (I'm in my forties!) but to be honest it did take a while.

Good luck.

Hassled- thanks for putting it that way. Yes it must be strange to know for suree your children aren't children anymore...

I just bought 'toxic parents'. I think finally being told 'this is not normal' by a bunch of strnagers has helped. My boyfriend said it wasn't normal but I thought it was possibly just because he doesn't like her!!

Good lordy, my mum is just the same!!! She has to be in total control of myself, my bro (aged 41) and sister (aged 39) at all times, otherwise she loses the plot. I delayed telling her that I was pregnant (despite being 30 years old, married and living in my own home with my husband) because I didn't want her to know I'd had sex

I just pray that I will be a different sort of mother when my own baby arrives. Yikes.

SkipHopJump, I'm glad some of the other posters have helped you feel better about your absolute right to have a life of your own and the fact that your parents (particularly your mother) are in the wrong in treating you like this.

Have you had a think about what I put in my post with regard to them funding your accommodation? You haven't really commented about it. I'm not saying this just to make things hard for you but I think you need to think about what you will do if your parents withdraw their financial support. In a dysfunctional relationship you usually find that the person who is dysfunctional will use every trick in the book to control the person trying to live their own life. If you read 'Toxic Parents' one of the things she uses to describe dysfunctional parenting is when a parent tries to control their child with money - it is very common and I myself have experienced it so I do know what I am talking about.

Once your mother realises she cannot influence you with emotional blackmail she will look around for something else and I would bet a lot of money that she will use the funding issue to try to get you towing the line again. Please be prepared for it.

I really hope you get things sorted out and manage to build a happy, independent life. Good luck.

Celticstarlight is right,
When your mother feels she is losing control over you, she will withdraw your funding in order to push you back into towing the line.
My mother did this. Well, I wasn't really financially dependent on her, but she deposited 50 pound a month into my account because I was studying. The very first thing she did when I stood up to her for the first time was to stop that deposit.
Because I didn't need her money, it actually felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders, but it sounds like you need her financially at the moment. So I would take proper steps to get financially stable off your own back, and then begin to cut the apron strings.
Your mother won't like it. Its going to be very hard for you, I can see it. But you will feel like a new, invigorated person when you realise that you are allowed to live your life without having to dance to your mother's tune.

Sorry have just seen this thread, I have been reading this thread and thought there were similarities to your situation.