I thought this was what I wanted so what the hell is wrong with me !

[soscaredsostupid]

Hello all,]
Haven''t been on for a while as we have been making a considered and determined effort to sort our 20 year relationship out. Lots of talking, lots of blame on both sides and one fantastic week where everything seemed to " fit "

Now last night he has told me he wants to leave. Gave lots of reasons, said we want different things and that he cant be what I want him to be. Said we are too different. I have accused him of being paranoid before ( see my previous posts ) and he said that he is becuase I am hiding things and making him paranoid and he doesnt want to be that person anymore. He got very upset and said that this life is destroying him. He wants me to be more affectionate and I juts havent been able to do it becuase I am so eaten up with resentment at the fact that he doesnt work, sleeps too much, keeps different hours to me and the DC's and smokes to much weed ( which I loathe )

So now he wants to go. I have known its inevitable but why WHY do I feel so devestated. I keep thinking that I am throwing something away. I have gone into panic mode. I keep thinking baout all the things he has done for me, instead of reminding myself why we arent happy. The bottom line is, he does love me, but isnt willing to change and " be normal ". I am not happy like that, so I cant have him.

I knew it was coming, how can I cope after 20 years ?? What if its the wrong thing ? How will my girls cope so close to xmas.

Honey, look at what he really said. You say "... he doesnt work, sleeps too much, keeps different hours to me and the DC's and smokes too much weed". You can't live like this, rightly in my view. But he has turned it round to be your fault. You are "making him" paranoid, eh what? It's made out to be all your fault that he feels bad about the things he jolly well SHOULD feel bad about. Now at last he's doing the decent thing, not as decent as trying to change his behaviour but at least decent enough to stop lousing up your life with it, but you're the one who has to end up feeling like the loser. It's just wrong, but oh, so natural.

He sounds like an awful, awful man, never mind the nice bits (there are always nice bits, otherwise you wouldn't have stuck it for twenty years - I don't believe anyone in the world is horrible all the time). It's a long time to be with anyone and it will leave a big gap in your life, of course it will. But your biggest problem is that you have adjusted the way you look at things to make allowances for him for so long that you hardly know what reality is, in relationship terms. I don't mean that to sound insulting. It's a survival technique, I think, like when people are in war zones etc learn to just get on with it. Now you'll have to adjust to peace. I recommend counselling for yourself, the sooner the better.

Believe me, the rest of your life is ahead of you in a good way. Time to enjoy being yourself instead of a weed widow.

also think how you will feel in a few years time when things really have not changed.
That resentment wont just go away on its own - and if he is not willing to change then it will lead to more resentment.

A couple of years down the line will it be any easier - probably not.

Try to accept that you did everything you could and feel proud that you did not just stay for the easy life.

I'm no expert but I thought that weed can make you paranoid but am sure you knew that already.

Don't let him blame you for his own failings and addictions!

Another thing I meant to say earlier: don't be so sure it will be that easy to get him out, when the time comes. You may find he was just saying that to shock you into feeling - well, exactly what you did feel, in fact. You may have to pretty much have him surgically removed from the doorposts before he actually does leave. And I have no doubt at all that you'll be expected to put in the money towards his new accommodation. I would be delighted to hear that prediction is wrong, but experience and observation say otherwise.

Oh, and watch out for him priming the children with the old "Mummy wants Daddy to leave, you don't want that do you?". It's the lowest of the low, so I really hope he doesn't do it, but be ready.