I can't talk to my DH, at all

[notaloud]

I have posted on here before recently. I was all set to split with my DH. I was so strong, and sure of my feelings. And yet again it has somehow not come to pass. Somehow we are still together, and somehow he is in my bed again.

I feel very confused. I feel pathetic. I feel that I don't know what I am doing. I feel like I don't know my own mind.

Why can't I talk to him about anything important? Why can't I tell him how I feel? I did try a few weeks ago, and we did split temporarily. He moved into my son's room (had to stay as I work full time and he does school drop offs)

Am I the problem? He thinks my lack of communication is. I just cannot face the confrontations. I am like an emu/ostrich (whichever the hell it is that burys it's head in the sand). I literally clam up completely. I put my head down, and I cannot speak.

I managed to get through a Relate session where I told the counsellor and Dh that it was over and I couldn't go any further. And then days later he is saying all the right things, and I weaken.

And even now only a couple of weeks later, and the same problems arise. He puts me on a pedestal and then knocks me down. He has to poke and poke and poke (not literally) at me for a response. I know I am so guilty for saying I will give it a go and then not being able to do anything constructive to help our relationship.

I feel that in the past he has been emotionally abusive, but maybe its all me? Why am I making things worse?

If you feel he has been emotionally abusive in the past (not now?) is that possibly why you find it hard to communicate with him - either because you don't want to start and argument or are you just exhausted?

Is there anyone in rl that you can talk to at all?

What stopped the split last time?

I don't really know if he is EA now. I do feel like it is all my fault. Maybe that is what ahs stopped me from leaving.

I both don't want to start an argument, and am also just exhausted!

I do think that he still, even after this latest near split only a couple of weeks ago, lectures me, makes me feel small, pokes me to get a response, pressures me. But he has also been so lovely and thoughtful too.

An example, I am going to have an operation next week that I am really really worried about. I had a bad experience of an emergency c-section, and even opted for a home birth for my second child because I couldn't bear to go into hospital again. I am very upset about it, and Dh has been alternately lovely (buying me new pjs to wear in hospital, books to keep me busy while waiting etc) then pushing me into saying he can come with me (we had agreed my mum would come with me while we were temporarily split). I really don't want him there, but I feel so bad for rejecting his wanting to look after me.

Emotional Abuse can have lasting effects. An effect is that we do things (or not do things) to protect our feelings - our emotional state - from being trashed yet again.

For example: I was numb for years. I thought I was just super in control of my feelings, but the truth was I didn't have any because my subconscious decided it was safer to go numb than be ridiculed/devalued/stabbed in the heart again.

Have you been subjected to EA in the past? From your parents, a sibling, school bullies, a co-worker...anyone? What you are suffering now may be "left-over" anxiety.

Even so, it seems you are quick to dismiss the EA from your current partner, seeming to believe that "nice-nice" erases it. Let me give you a clue: it does not erase it. Nice-nice is a mere cheap band aid over an infected festering wound. Imho, if a partner is abusive that is the truth and nice-nice is just more insincere lip service-that's right: lies.

Sorry to sound preachy. Imho, again and I say this with all kindness for your welfare, I think you could benefit from talking with a counselor on your own about you. Then you can know "what is you" and "what is not you" and see circumstances with more validation and clarity.

Self discover and healing is not an easy thing to do, either. Some people avoid it forever. But I can tell you it made the biggest difference to my life and I hope you will have the courage to be honest and strong and do it.

Best wishes for your operation next week.
I hope things go well for you.

Thank you.

Yes my dad has emotionally abused my mum for 40 years. I have obviously learnt my self preservation tactics from her. It is so obvious to me know but had not been for years. 13 to be precise.

I know I will be lambasted here for not going through with the split. Posters here have been so supportive and I feel like I have let myself down and them down.

I can see that I take a lot of guilt on board! I do it all the time. That is part of the problem, that I feel like everything is always my fault. I take all the criticism to heart, although if I ever bring it up he claims I have got the wrong end of the stick, or I am putting words in his mouth.

He has often recently said "and you call me emotionally abusive". Am I being EA for not being able to talk?

I feel that if I try to counter an argument, or put forward my point of view, I am always wrong. And worse, now I am afraid of showing my real feelings.

I don't know how it happened though, because I was really firm with him a few weeks ago. That was really it, it was over, and I can't understand how I got back to it being not over again. I think he talked at me so much that I just collapsed again.

I contributed to your other threads notaloud

I don't have anything to add, but just wanted to say you are wrong to keep blaming yourself. Do not feel you are letting anyone down (except maybe yourself, love) and no-one will lambast you on here. Your self-esteem has been damaged by EA, that is clear.

You really do need some help in RL in talking about why you feel you don't have the strength nor the ability to change your life for the better.