I don't feel "alive"/me when DH is around

[fanjolina]

I don't know if I can explain this very well. But before I start - a bit of background. Been with DH for more than 10 years, since my early 20's. Have a good, solid relationship. Both work so no feelings of resentment for being stuck at home etc...

However for the past 2 years or so I have not felt "alive" when he is around. It makes no difference if it is at home, or ot but when he is there I kind of feel deadened.

To give some examples - if we are at home together, I feel lethargic and not up to doing anything, with either him or the children. Although I do play with the children, make meals etc, I spend a lot of my time on the sofa on the laptop, and just don't feel I have any get up and go.

Yet as soon as he leaves the house - even for a short time - I come alive. So on Sat, he took DD1 to the supermarket. When he left I had been on the laptop, stuck in a continual loop of FB/MN/email/news sites.But as soon as he was out of the door I felt inspired to start sewing some cushion covers. I got the sewing machine out of the loft and material I had bought during the week. He was dumbstruck when he came home as he didn't think I had it in me. But then as soon as he was home, I put it all away as I didn't want to do it in front of him.

It's not just at home that these feelings occur. I would never have bought the material for the cushions if I had been out with DH, but since it was just DD2 and me, I was able to.

Another example - he went out for the day with some mates to the rugby. When he was gone, I took the children into town. Then back at home we did lots of home baking and crafts. I would do one of these things if he was around, but never a whole days worth.

I just don't feel inspired if he is here, it feels like a deadening of my soul. When he is not here I feel like I am glowing and bright and alive - more like "me".

I really don't know what causes this dichotomy. I have spoken to DH and he has told me I need to "sort it out" as it could destroy our relationship, as he now sees me as a lazy, demotivated person - which I am when I am around him. But I don't know how.

Any thoughts or ideas?

oh dear.

What's your relationship with him like? He doesn't sound controlling or anything.

i fight with this to some extent. for me it's got to do with my childhood and feeling pressured into doing things by my parents. i felt i wasn't doing things for ME but to please them.

now i find that i don't want to do my hobby while dh is around because i feel watched and judged even though he isn't. i have to force myself, and with the continued effort it has got better.

i suggest you do some serious soul searching and find out what the root cause is. you could try the 'just do it' approach. you CAN change this but it is very hard work and you have to want to enough. when you do, you'll find that you're less depressed, much more motivated and happy.

i know it's easy to say, bloody hard to do, because i've been there too, and still am to some extent.

Warthog, I'm realieved that someone is/has experienced similar - even though it is a dreadful thing to go through.

Together we have tried to think why I am like this, but there doesn't seem to be a rational reason. I could "fake" it, I am sure. But I wonder if I would then come to resent him? As if I am making this effort just to please him and it feels like it is betraying how I really feel.

Mumblechum - no he is not controlling at all. In fact he is the loveliest, most caring husband you could ask for. BUt he is aware that if this goes on it could be disastrous. Our relationship is good, though I am not a very touchy/feely emotional type person. But I never have been, so that hasn't changed.

All that has changes is how I am around him.
I feel all grey and zombielike when he is around, but light and sprakly when he is not.

Is there some sort of resentment simmering under the surface, some anger (however irrational/illogical etc) eg he is sitting around so why should you be up and doing things? He is your audience here so what are you trying to tell him ?

Can you tell I have had a lot of therapy lately ?

Actually maybe a bit of counselling may help you both......

No resentment or anger at all. And he hardly ever sits around. He is always doing stuff around the house. Which makes my lethargy look even worse.

Do you feel you both have an expectation of you not to be doing anything so it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing... maybe you've got over that in yourself, but there are still his expectations? Maybe you worry he might comment on you doing things, even in a positive manner, then it might make you feel bad for the times when you haven't, or makes it into a Big Deal and you don't want it thought of or commented on like that. Or maybe it's like pressure to perform, so if you felt like doing something and you started it you would feel compelled to continue it even if you wanted to stop because he has noticed it and thus given "approval".

Can you get yourself some CBT? This is exactly the sort of thing that you might be able to sort out in 6 weeks.

I feel that too at times.
Maybe it's what comes from being monogamous for years. You get used to someone.
When my DH is away with work I get so much more done and feel like my former "single self"- more of an individual. Don't know what the asnwer is- do you feel you want to split up?

CommonNortherner - we have talked thorugh all of these sorts of scenarios as maybe a reason. But we cannot find anything like that. We are so close and so supportive of each other. In fact we have even been having a laugh over this as it is so ridiculous. But as I said in my OP, he has said I need to sort it out as I think the person I am when around him is becoming harder for him to respect. But whatever steps we take to resolve it, will be done together.

DH is a psychologist so should be able to help identify any cause but we just can't find any.

TeenageWildlife I will look into CBT. I know a therapist who does CBT so might give her a call. I am worried she will laugh at me. Cos quite frankly, it is ridiculous. But I can't help how I feel. It is like being all hungover and unable to function properly when he is around.

Oh my god.

This sounds like me. The thing is I feel like its him thats making me depressed but he is the most lovely husband, dad, person ever but I do feel judged a lot of the time.

I have had counselling for this and she said that I need to set the child in me free because I am treating hubby as if he was my dad.

I dint have a very good upbringing my dad was an abusive alcoholic which is where I think it stems from. I also learnt depression from my mum and so suffer with this myself. In fact I have just had a really bad weekend in tears on Saturday night because I feel that I cannot do what I want when I want even though he is not stopping me (does this make sense?) Should I go back to counselling?

Any advice greatful feel really low at mo. X

Your behaviour when he;s around sounds like that of a depressed person. Does he make you feel depressed?

I was just like this before DH left. It was odd, his motivation seemed to deplete mine, like I was almost taking the opposite stance.

laurasarah, I think this is the trouble with dysfunctional childhoods, the behaviour becomes so entrenched that it is difficult to change no matter how hard we try.

It's been a terrible year for me and DH, over 4 months at Relate and all of the issues go back to both our childhoods. My dad was an abusive drunk too and my 1st H was a full blown alcoholic, DH also has a gambling addiction (currently under control) - do you see the pattern ? I've lost myself along the way and really don't know what to do with myself. Me and DH are trying to support each other when we are both in a bad place. Our therapist told me to read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - How to stop controlling others and Start caring for yourself. It has helped a bit but I'm am at that "empty" stage - not controlling anymore but don't know what to do instead if that makes sense.

I think depression comes into it too - we've promised ourselves a night out this week as sometimes we forget to have fun .....

Oh thank you countingto10.

You have made me feel so much better knowing its not just me. I have read Codependent nomore (as recommended by my counsellor) and it was really useful but that was about 1 year ago.

I am at the stage now where I'm struggling again and thinking of going back for more counselling. I know its not hubbies fault but I often think of ending it all with him as I feel it would make me happier (though in reality I would still be left with the same problems) so not the answer. I really dont know what to say or do anymore. (sad)

Laurasarah, can you remember anything in your childhood that you did that made you happy and can you do that now ?

My therapist actually said I enjoyed being the victim - I didn't think I was that bad but I can see where she was coming from. My and DH's life has been extremely stressful and some bad things have happened and DH complained that I didn't know how to laugh and have fun, everything was too hard or there was always a reason why it couldn't be done etc. I am trying to change and am trying to decide what I really want to do with my life now youngest at school fulltime.

I think it is depression a lot of the time and maybe it's trying to change a little bit at the time eg I make sure a greet DH with a smile every time he comes in at night (a friendly face), he wants to feel that I am pleased to see him IYSWIM.

Anyway, I am rambling .....

Beautiful, what you have posted rings so true - it is like his motivation depletes mine. And yes, I am acting like a depressed person when he is around. But I cannot fathom out why. And it is not an entrenched depression. I am happy around him - I smile, I laugh, we share jokes together etc. I am just wholly unmotivated and not my true self.

laurasarah - sorry to hear that you are going through this too, and also about your troubled childhood.

countingto10 - sorry about your childhood too.
And your comment about promising yourselves a night out - I think we should do that too

Hi Fangolina

I also feel somewhat different around DH who like yours is a fantastic dad, dh & husband. Anyone on the outside would think that we are a great couple & very happy together but since having the boys I just feel like we have lost our connection.

I dont believe that I am depresed, we are both lucky to have been brought up in loving homes, our parents (& theirs before them) remain married so we have no childhood issues that would impend on our relationship either.

I just think that we need some time away from the kids & family to learn to be ourselves again. I feel like i am 2 people -there is the new me since giving birth - Nufink 1 and baby Nufink's mum, she is confident & happy and loves her new role in life, even work comes 2nd to the kids but then there is the old me that is kind of left behind somewhere but I cannot work out where.

Writing this has made me realise that I probably resent DH as his life hasnt been turned around as much as mine since having DC. He still goes out occationally with his old mates, goes to work without the worry of dropping kids off & picking them up from cm, he has same friends from years ago. He gets to spend wk ends with DC doing fun stuff instead of the day-to-day routine stuff I have to do. For me on the other hand I find I now have little in common with old (child free) friends, My new Mum friends are great - but like me if given the choice would prefer early night than going out & what would we talk about? the kids? would rather not- but that is what we have in common.

Maybe there is some resentment there with you too Fanjolina? That & a loss of self-identity?

I think you have hit the nail on the head Nufink, silly, illogical resentments like getting in a car and driving off without having to strap 3DC into car seats and I think our DHs don't see it tbh. I used to be a single mum of one with a good job, own home (paying mortgage) and answerable only to me. Therapist actually said this was the only time I felt secure and "happy". Now 43 with 4DSs (2 with SNs), help run business with DH (with is struggling atm) and am wondering where "I" disappeared to along the way.

DH and I am very aware of how I feel and we are trying to make both of our lives better and easier.....

yeah they dont prepare you for life after birth at antenatal classes do they! Maybe the world would be a lot happier if they did (or childless???)

LOL at poping to the shop for bread & milk without strapping dc in car, out of car, strapping in buggy, out of buggy, strap in car, strap out of car. Shopping & kids in house! It takes all my resolve not to hit DH when he says "but you've been home all day!" when I have had to ask him to pick things up on his way home as I havent managed to get to a shop!

I have a few nights out planned coming up to Christmas, with work, Mum friends & old friends. Also hoping to have stopped BF by Christmas so Mum can have the 2DC overnight & can spend some quality time with DH. Have accepted now that there isnt an instant "fix" and relationships need constant work even if you have found "Mr Right"

Countingto10

God you could be me. I used to like spending as much time out of the house as possible when I was a child with friends. That was what I enjoyed doing.

We have had some terrible things happen too (lost mum and dad and mother in law and grandma in last 10 years, av since moved 200 miles away). Very stressful.

I too have over the last 3 years thought long and hard about what I want to do and we have decided to move back home and I am going to go back to school and do something for me. I would also agree that I like to be the victim. Its how to break the cycle but I will try some tips that are on here.

My hubby's the same. I have told him I am depressed but in the current situation its hard not to be (him working away part of the week until we get moved back). He is so supportive and brilliant and I feel like such a cow.

I think we need to have some fun together and I hope that when we move back (where we have support) we will be able to do that.

X

Nufink, sorry you feel the way you do. I hope your planned nights out help you feel yourself again.

As I said in my OP, I work as does DH, so it is not a feeling of being frustrated at being at home with the children that is causing my issues. Neither do I feel resentful about working. And it is me who has more of a 'life' than him. Nights out with friends, business trips to Europe where I get to stay in nice hotels and sleep! whilst he is stuck at home with the children.

I have no reason to feel the way I do. I just don't understand.

it sounds somehow familiar, I have to snap myself out of it sometimes.

During the week, I am always doing things and sorting out stuff.

However, if DH is at home and sits doing the crossword, it makes me angry to eb doing the cooking-cleaning etc. While he is relaxing, so i don´t.

I end up on the Internet way too much.

What helps me is being aware of this, and what a crap WE we have liek this, and to just plan fun things for the family (and for myself).

This refreshes the situation.

It´s a sort of rut you get stuck in, you ahave to make it all happen yourself...

Yes, I think it is a rut Chandon. That maybe started with a bit of laziness when he was around, then has morphed into me not doing anything "me" when he is around, and therefore not feeling like me at all.

I will work hard to get out of the rut as it is no good for either of us individually, nor us as a family.