When the TRUST is gone, how do you STAY TOGETHER?

[MrsForgetful]

I'm talking generally here- relationships.

I always said that once the trust is gone, so is the love....but if that is true- why do i feel so sick about what i think i should be doing about my DH and his gambling?

I feel like he has had an afair.

How do I move on
(that's assuming he can be trusted....how do i TRUST him????)

You can't, can you?

If he is addicted to gambling IMO it might as well be drink or drugs - it is at least as destructive.

Walk away, love.

Co-dependency?
(you feel so sick at the thought of doing what you know you should, etc)

No idea! Stab in the dark.

It is difficult sometimes to stick with morals when emotions threaten to over-ride them.

...I'd say there can be no relationship without trust, not no love without trust, one being based in the rational/practical and one not.

Love isn't rational, IYSWIM?

To have morals is.

Think with your head rather than your heart if you can.

Sorry i think there are levels of trust.

Think about some areas where you do trust your h.

Looking after children, doing chores, being there for you in a crisis.

He cant be trusted not to gamble - but i am sure it is the lies surrounding it that is the problem.
Just like affairs it is the lies that ruin the trust not the actual act iyswim.

Does he know he has a problem - does he know you are going to leave if he cant 'share' his problem with you? You can both learn to live without full trust - but he needs to be willing to earn back the trust - at first he may need to 'check in' often but as time goes on and he finds it easier to open up to you about when he feels weak it will become a habit you can both live with.

You can learn to live with a lower level of trust but it is not easy - time does help but i doubt you will ever fully trust anyone again - you will always keep one eye on it so to speak.

Hope that helps

MrsForgetful,

You may find the following helpful from Gamcare's website:-

www.gamcare.org.uk/pages/supporting.html

Has he talked to Gancare himself?. Does he himself acknowledge that he indeed has a gambling problem?.

You are ultimately though not responsible for your DH's actions. You need real life support from such an organisation as well.

thansk to you all...I have looked at all the info you recomended and have turned a corner.

i can really identify with the co-dependancy stuff - and i am focussing my energy on that at the moment (whilst still limiting dh's access to our joint account- which he is still happy for me to do)

Today is the first day for months that i have felt a little relaxed.

thanks again.