How to track down a parent...

[Anonanother]

I am a regular on here but have namchanged for this.

I was told when I was 12 that my Dad wasn't my 'real' Dad and that my 'real' Dad had left when I was 1, my Dad was in my life from the age of 3. It was my Dad who told me, and I have never spoken to my Mum about it, not a word mentioned. In fact it hasn't been spoken about since that day. I'm now 25. I once found my birth cetificate and can remember my biological Dad's surname.

I want to track him down. I'm not very close to my parents, and we don't talk about alot of things. I would have no idea how to approach them with this.

How would I go about tracking him down with just a surname?

Try the Salvation Army's Family Tracing Service.

Also have a look at the charity Missing People (used to be the National Missing Person's Helpline - they are the people who do the missing posters you see). I used to volunteer for them.

Good luck in your search.

I guess lots of googling and going on websites that list birth certificates etc...

However i would think very carefully about all of this first:

1. why do you want to find him
2. What impact will it have on you, your family relationships etc and does the need to find him outweigh the repercusssions?
3. What are you hoping for if you find him? Will you be able to cope if he wants nothing to do with you?

Is there anyone else in the family you could confide in if you can't ask your Mum outright?

Why do you think it's all shrouded in secrecy?

Sorry to ask so many questions - it's a very big decision and does seem like it's worth weighing up all the angles.

Agree with Cremeeggs says.

You can also apply to your local registry office to get a copy of your birth cert for about a tenner.

Thank you for your replies, and your links Wigeon... Salvation Army's website says this:

'From time to time, people whose birth parents were not married to each other, ask whether we can try to locate their father. Such requests must almost invariably be declined' They weren't married AFAIK

'A minimum requirement is full name, precise date of birth and a last known address in the present country of residence.' I only have his surname

Have just called missing people and they have been really really helpful, so thank you so much for that! They given some numbers to call tomorrow so it's a start!

cremeeggs

I just feel I need to know who he is...can't really explain it, I don't think I have any expectations, in fact I'm half expecting him not to want to know!

No other family to talk to (only 1 Grandparent, who is quite old now)

The secrecy I think is just the way my familiy is...we don't talk about anything!

Thank you fo helping me to think it through though

onadietcokebreak - doing that now online, link given by missing people!

Have just ordered my birth certificate, it asked for fathers forename though so I just put a ? in the box, don't know if it will work now.

Really hoping to speak to someone who has been through similar, tried to trace familiy, or actually found them?

Stupid time of night to start this really!

Bumping this to see if anyone can help this morning

If the surname is uncommon googling it may throw something up. If you can get hold of his first name social sites like facebook, friends united could help. Im trying to think of things ive tried to find my db but we had a last known address. If i can think of anything else ill let you know

Thank you for replying shellylou... have you found your DB? I have searched just the surname on google and nothing, on FB there is only a few with this surname in the area that I was born, and not many elsewhere.

I have also searched 192.com and it's come up with two people with that surname in the area I was born (however I have no idea if he did/does live there).

In fact that has got me to thinking, if I did actually find contact details for him, I'm not sure I'd have the guts to actually make contact!

No i havent found my db. Not sure if he is still in the county or not. Police have been looking for him recently but thats due to family circumstances we and they thought he should be told of. They havent found him either.
You could always send messaged to them and say your looking for your dad etc etc. If you have the details you can make contact if/when you are ready. I would advise that you talk to a friend or someone about doing this so they can support you.

Are you absolutely certain that your mother would not talk about this with you? You sound as though you could take her answers if she was forthcoming. I know you said you arent close to your parents but in a way that may make it easier. No close bond to rock iyswim.

Perhaps you could write her a letter setting out gently why you would like to know about your biological father and that you have no desire to stir up any bad feelings or memories for her or the rest of your family but that would dearly like her to help you with info if she feels that she could....

You never know, if she opened up and did have some info (she may not know herslf where he is now however) it might save you a lot of time and frustration searching for him in other ways.

I agree with other posters though, that you need to think carefully about possible repercussions should you find him. Perhaps get a couple of sessions of counselling before going ahead.

I am sure the 'wanting to know' feeling is totally normal and understandable given your age and stage in life. But I have a friend whose husband managed to track down his bio mother; she rejected him and sent him into a long spiral of depression and finally he took his own life. (There were other issues but being rejected triggered his depression and feelings of worthlessness which infected all other parts of his life.)

I do not mean to discourage you with this story - there will have been many others with happier endings. But his reaction could not have been predicted (even by he himself) and it was a complete tragedy given that he left behind a wife and child who were devastated.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I hope you find him

I'm also worried about the impact on my Mum and (step)Dad, I don't know how I'd approach the subject with them, or when too (obviously before I make contact, I think!)

Thanks.

If you broach the subject with them now they have chance to get used to the idea. I think your step dad may tell you what he knows as he was the one who originally told you that he wasnt your biological father. Best of luck

Unlikelyamazonian - Not certain, but I find it difficult to talk to my Mum about anything other than the weather. We're not a close and certainly not an open familiy.

The letter is a good idea, but then I worry that she would be hurt that I didn't speak to her in person! I wonder if my (step) Dad would be easier to talk to, as Shellylou said.

Counselling might be a good idea - the missing people helpline gave me a number for support in this kind of thing, I'm going to call today. I have no idea what the repercussions would be, part of me feels like my parents will be expecting this to happen at some point...

And thank you for sharing that experience with me, I think I need to be kept aware about the emotional effect this might have on me, however in turns out.

A letter could say many things - including that you felt unable to ask her in person about yr bio dad. You could address a letter to both your parents and give it a week or two if they to think about it, then call them if they do not respond. This feeling of wanting to know will probably not go away and you don't want to let it knaw at you for years if you think it might.

You do have a right to know about your bio father I think (seeing as you want to - many children who never know a parent have no desire to find them in later life.) You could keep this is mind, to prevent you feeling too guilty about causing possible problems with your parents.

Your mother may surprise you and be unphased about telling you more....she must have thought over the years, that one day you are going to ask!

But since you have managed all these years with not knowing, do not rush yourself into anything just because the urge is now upon you.

Thinking about it, my friend's husband decided to track his bio mother down and thought it would take him a long time. he felt he could 'prepare' himself during that time for the posible outcome. In fact, he found her within days and got in touch far too quickly - he telephoned her. She rejected him immediately on the phone. It was all far too rushed. Tragic.

Gosh, really, really sad Unlikely!

This is something I think about all the time, for as long as I can remember. I had a bit of a scare last week and it's made me realise that life is too short.

Also I think I feel a bit 'cheated' of a familiy, the only people I speak to in my familiy are Mum, Dad and sister. This is possibly setting myself up for a fall though - I find myself daydreaming about cousins, sisters, brothers etc. I need to stop that.

I think the letter idea is a good one, even if I don't send it, it will help to get everything written down and may give me the boost to just bite the bullet and ask. Never the right time though is there, at the moment it's christmas, then there will be something else...

I really do think you need to try and speak to your mother or step dad. She must had been expecting this to come up at some point so will hardly be a surprise to her. Maybe start with something along the lines of "Mum I want us to talk about my biological dad...." and just see what her response is.

This may sound a bit morbid but can you imagine how you would feel if that chance was suddenly taken from you? She would never have had chance to tell you her side of the story.

When you do find your dad please think carefully about what sort of contact you would like and how you will feel if that is not how he feels.

"Maybe start with something along the lines of "Mum I want us to talk about my biological dad...." "

That made me shudder! I know I will have to talk to her about it at some point.

Thing is we live 300 miles apart, and so when we see each other it's all about the kids and having a good time. It's not something I'd really like to do on the phone, although I think I would find it easier. At least I can be downing shots of whiskey without her seeing

I really don't think I know what sort of contact I want, I think I just want to see his reaction and go from there, this maybe a naive approach though...

God I wish they had asked me/brought it up !

Xmas might be just the right sort of time actually...a good excuse to say 'Hi mum, with christmas coming, friends all making arrangements about when to see their mums and dads etc...families getting nostalgic everywhere...it has just got me thinking; I have been wondering recently about who my birth dad is and where he might be now....etc.

There will never be a 'right' time. Bite the bullet. x

Anonanother

If you would find it easier to talk on the phone about it then maybe that is the right approach.

Call her and say "Mum I understand this may be upsetting for you but I feel that I cant avoid the subject anymore. I want to talk about my biologicial dad. If you would like some time before you talk fine but it does need to be discussed soon"

She may say "i've been expecting this"
"I dont want to talk about it"
"Let sleeping dogs lie"

But you have to make her understand that it is YOUR need to have more information that is important. She has had years to reconcile her feelings with the full information known. You do not know the full information and it is only with her telling you her side of things that you can decide whether to continue the path you think you want to take now about finding your dad

Cor, I nearly did it then! Thank you for taking the time to help!

You really don't think it would be wrong to do it on the phone?

Thing is my mum is, I think, so intolerant of any conversation with any emotion involved. When I spoke about the scare I had last week (cancer related) she completly closed up and ended the call!

I think if the only way you feel the only way you could possibly have this conversation is by phone then that is they way to go.

Have a think about it. Speak to those who know you best and see what they think.

If your Mum doesnt handle it well then there is time to sort it out before next visit. But you do need to make it really clear that this problem is not going to go away.

I meant "If you feel that the only way that you could possibly have this conversation is by phone then that is the way to go"

The numbers missing people gave me have been a bit of a dead end. I think I will put this to the back of my mind until I get my birth certificate. Thank you for your advice