age old mil power struggle!

[bumblingalong]

Hi, I'm after some mil advice from anyone with a way to cut the apron strings?
In the beginning of our relationship with dp i tried to get on with his mother, as i didn't want to be another dil moaning about her mil. His mum, on the other hand, had other ideas & never made me feel welcome in her home or wanted to accept the fact that my dp wasn't getting back with his ex (they'd been split up for a yr before we had even met, but i'm the reason they're not together apparently!).

Since having dd my mil tried to be my new best friend to my face but moaning about me behind my back (even infront of 1 of my gd friends). I dread the visits & subtle digs that go over my dp's head but i go for his sake.

Anyway, my dp is constantly agreeing to her arrangements for our weekends & when she wants to see our dd, without consulting me. We constantly bicker about this as i would never arrange for the 3 of us to see my mum without checking with him that he's free, not planned anything for us to do etc, but he can't say no to his mum.
I thought we'd argued this to death & he'd agreed to learn the little phrase "think thats ok mum but i'll just double check with bumbling" - I have never said no to going round there I just don't like having it sprung on me 10 mins before we have to leave iyswim?

But this weekend it happened again - i heard him on the phone to his mum on sat afternoon & sun morning saying "see you tommorrow/later" yet when i asked what did his mum have to say i got "oh not much" until it was time to leave.

I know its not a major problem but its really getting to me that he always puts her wants in front of mine & dd's needs - dd's routine always ends up in a mess & i've got to deal with a grumpy toddler after.
Any advice on how to break this cycle would be appreciated as I'm at the end of my tether & as i now dread sundays & am about to give her, her darling boy back for good.

Say no we're not going because you didn't give me x warning like we agreed you would?

You would probably only have to do it once before he never did it again.

He has offered to go on with dd on their own so i don't have to see mil & i really am not comfortable with that - he won't say no to his mum at all & his mum treats dd like a performing puppy & gives her stupid things to play with (a carrier bag fgs when her changing bag was next to her stuffed full of toys!).

I meant that you say "No, dd and I aren't going at 10 minutes notice we have other plans" ie chilling!

This is not a mil problem, it's a dp problem.

CarGirl is right - stop letting him pull this shit. He's doing it deliberately because he has no balls.

Your DP sounds like a right tart, time for the heave-ho

This goes deep.

You know yourself that your dh hasn't quite moved on into and adult phase relationship with his mum or hasn't cut the apron strings as you say.

It's his problem but it's impacting on you.

Perhaps you could say to him, 'No I'd planned a nice quiet day in with DD so we are not coming but feel free to go if you want to.'

No to going without warning! Especially as he lied to you about the visit ("when i asked what did his mum have to say i got "oh not much" until it was time to leave.")

Maybe start making more plans at the weekend? It's a hassle for you to organise, but will (a) give you something you want to do and (b) show you are not to be taken for granted.

As for the overall situation, maybe it would help to have the two families meet up - your parents and DH's. So many dynamics might upset MIL's apple cart, for example: (a) your mum picking up on some nasty comment and addressing it directly or indirectly, (b) your MIL being shown up by seeing how your mum behaves with DH, (c) at least your having a pleasant family get-together with a bit more support than that provided by what sounds a bit of a spineless DH (sorry to be so harsh, but you did say so).

Mil needs to understand that her needs right now are not priority - your time is for you to control not to try and live your life between her demands for time.

The only person who will get her to understand this is your dp.

Sounds as though you are relaxed and she isn't - jumps to her tune because he can't face the fallout? Possibly she's more demanding than you?

He should check with you-but don´t forget that that could lead to him saying "bumbling says no" putting it all on you.

You need to decide in advance when to see her so that when she asks it´s a simple yes or no from him.

How often do you see her?

Bumbling - I agree (as a MIL!) that your P should not make arrangements without consulting with you . My sons would never do this nor would I expect them to. In fact I usually try to make arrangements with my dils because they tend to be more au fait with the social arrangements etc. It does sound like your P doesn't want to upset his mom but doesn't seem to mind upsetting you about this.

I do wonder however why you are not happy about your P taking your child and you putting your feet up at home for the afternoon. You talk of your mil giving your daughter "stupid" things to play with, but she isn't going to be unsafe or come to any harm is she. Presumably your P will be there at the same time anyway. I do worry a bit about how mil/dil problems impact on the children, because children do have a right to have contact with their grandparents in my opinion.

Hi Diddl - fancying seeing you here!

as others have said. Just don't go.

give him notice right now that you aren't going to MILs unless you agree the arrangements BEFOREHAND>

then if he dumps it on you - get dd ready - he will think its to go to MILS

stick her in pram and piss off.

NanaNina I think the OP is not keen for dd to be with mil without her as she feels that mil has been horrible and manipulative throughout.

Also in her situation it could be that if she doesn't go dp will whisk dd along to mils at very short notice constantly - things won't change.Mil will still be in control of her time and will have the ditched the dil as well!

I say this as I blocked 'd'h from taking our 15 month abroad to see mil at her request. I wasn't asked - I was informed. It was all from mil even though dh denies it - she's pretty much tripped herself up. Needless to say her manipulation has gone underground -and our relationship is pretty much over. No way can a 15 month old child be out of the country without the mum (at least in my case) and now that nothing is resolved - I don't think I can let ds go to her abroad without me until his teens - mil has enough control as it is.

Back to OP - this needs to be sorted out quickly before it gets deep rooted - short sharp shock - if it drags on resentment will really build up.

I also think you could let your husband & child go without you sometimes.

He wants to see his mum & take his daughter too!

Hi NanaNina!

I agree with those who have said that this is really really not a MIL problem. Your problem is with your DH who is being inconsiderate.

I know it is way easier to blame the MIL but your issue is with your DH so stop deflecting.

I read a really good book and it talked about triangles - so involving 3 people in an argument or problem so in your case the two of you and mil. Try to avoid triangles and don't make the mistake I have of talking to your husband about what it is that PIL's do that you don't like - he will have split loyalties and if he is anything like my husband will wonder half the time why you are making a big deal of things. Decide on how you are going to respond to things - so the lack of notice and as others have said have plans at the weekend and then say to husband or MIL it will be great to see you so let's arrange something for next weekend and stick to an open and warm approach. I have had a lot of upset over PIL's and in the end it is my problem not theirs. I know all of this is easier said than done but your husband needs a relationship with his mother and your child does.

I have been married 26 years and my DH still does this 3 Christmas Days in a row the ILs turned up just as I was making the dinner and just sat and sat till it was ruined. Each year I had a major rant to him about how inconsiderate they were etc etc and despite having a really long conversation about it after the second year, the 3rd year he announced at 10.30am as we were opening our presents "my mum and dad will be round in a minute". Sure enough, 11.30 and in they trundled.

So all these discussions and arguments about how ill mannered they were dropping in without warning and all the time they had been invited and he just didn't tell me. Had we discussed it in advance (as I do before making plans) I would have told them to come after dinner.

I'm living with my mum ATM (relocation with work) and went home a few weeks ago. He had only arranged with them for us to visit during the weekend, again without mentioning it to me. I've been here for 3 months so I had a huge list of things I wanted/ needed to do that weekend and he decided we had time to visit. As it turned out the weather was foul and we didn't get there.

This is rather long but I suggest you nip this in the bud now. Don't expect him to change because IME he won't, and you have to decide whether you are prepared to suffer a lifetime of this.

Erm kind on elvislives situation - so get it sorted. The longer you leave it the worse it is.

Not great when partner priorities their parents first over everything.

Thanks for all your advice. I agree that part of the problem is the fact that me & my mil don't get on, but I do try & step back & ask myself if its the situation or the fact that its the mil that irritates me. I do want my dd to know all her family & I would prefer it if my dp took her on his own but I don't trust him to ask his mum to stop or say no if she wants dd to have/do something that we don't allow at home (that sounds like I'm a control freak but we've worked hard with dd to get her in a routine & have boundaries etc but she constantly tries to undermine our parenting).

I just want him to not jump on demand but respect me enough to check first that its not a problem rather than just expect me to fall in line with her demands.

"I would prefer it if my dp took her on his own" - then why not let him? Then you can have a lovely few hours to yourself. I would try and focus on this rather than on what mil might or might be doing with dd in your absence. I assume you don't actually think dd will come to any harm - just that mil won't do things your way. I'd love it if my dh could take the dcs to his mum's without me - unfortunately she lives too far away for that to happen. I'm sure a lot of the tension between us (me and mil) could be avoided if this were possible. I often go and see my parents without dh - much more relaxing all round.

I don´t think a couple of hours at Grannys doing things she´s not allowed to usually will really ruin your routine & boundaries will it?

I think arranging visits or visitors without discussing it with your partner means the arranger doesn't know the meaning of the word partnership. If this happened alot I would get angry and it would threaten our relationship as I would see it as him being controlling.
I would refuse to go and let your daughter go the next few times he does this until he gets the message that visits have to be discussed. Different if you are always popping in to see your parents, then he's just getting his own back, but if you consult him then he should consult you.
I think him taking your daughter on his own to see his mum sounds reasonable if you don't want to go, but even those visits I think should be arranged and discussed.
I'd just start saying no and telling him to go on his own if he can't discuss it sensibly like an adult.

Have a family calendar up - and tell him that if it's not on the calendar it's not happening.

I'd make the most of him taking DD to see granny if I were you - it's not your job to dictate to your DP how he spends time with his child...and so long as granny isn't an axe-wieling maniac, I don't think you have any real grounds for concern.

Agree, I'd be annoyed if my kids' dad refused to let me take the kids to my dad unaccompanied so can't imagine refusing to let him take the kids to his parents. That sounds very controlling.
I'd try and organise a few things on your weekends though.