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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help am in a mess and need to moan

18 replies

addictedtolatte · 22/11/2009 13:13

its long but bear with me. i have been with my dp for 13yrs lived together for 3yrs and have a ds together. i have just found out he is on match.com and has been on 2 dates with people. i love this man(shit) to bits but accept i have to end it for my own self respect.

the thing is the flat we live in is in his name and i have nowhere else to live. he is refusing to leave but i cannot live under the same roof with someone who has done this to me. do i legally have to go if he asks me to. i have done nothing wrong and i and my ds will end up homeless. i am sorry about ranting i am just shocked and confused i cant think straight

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 22/11/2009 13:15

So sorry to hear this, what a git.
get yourself down to citzens advice tomorrow to find ouy what your rights are.

mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
addictedtolatte · 22/11/2009 13:54

thanks both of you i will try and get some legal advice tomorrow. i cant believe i have left myself open to this. i trusted him completely and never thought he would do such a horrible thing. he blames me of course like men always do. he says i was always too busy with my friends, family or ds to even notice he exists.

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giveitago · 22/11/2009 13:57

No advice but feel for you.Unfair and you shouldn't have to stay in this situation and you shouldn't be disadvantaged by it either - does anyone have any advice????

Are you in mortaged (owner occupier, rented or council accomodation?).

Original poster
addictedtolatte · 22/11/2009 14:05

its rented accommodation but he and his sister have inherited 2 houses but have not put claim on probate yet. he could live in one of them houses but he is just refusing to leave and has his sisters support in this. i feel like i am being bullied. i have done nothing wrong other than love him and have his child.

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TimeForMe · 22/11/2009 14:10

No, you don't have to leave, you could get an occupation order until you sort out something else england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown/occupation_order s

mrsboogie · 22/11/2009 14:16

does he care about his son? I think you need to start playing dirty. I would tell him that if he forces you out you will move away and find a decent man and your DS will grow up calling him him daddy and that you will be sure to tell him that his real daddy threw him out on the street when he was a baby.

if he isn't bothered then he is not worth the trouble and you are both better off without him.

Nasty, hell yeah, but this man has left the relationship but expects you and your child to leave the family home.

don't move out.

GypsyMoth · 22/11/2009 14:24

can you get him to provide the cash for a deposit and months rent in advance on a flat/house for your son? would be the decent thing to do

ask him what he suggests you should all do? what does he think the way forward is now?

Mamazon · 22/11/2009 14:25

If it is your home and you hav e lived there as a family you have almost as much right to it as him.
If its rented then he will be the one to stay though.

You should go to your local council and epxlain thatyour relationship has ended and that you and your DS are unable to stay there.
you will be seen as homeless and they will have a duty of care to help you find accomodation

mrsboogie · 22/11/2009 14:29

rather than ending up in some awful B and B at Christmas I would move heaven and hell to get him to find the money for a deposit on a decent flat for you and your child. If he is about to inherit a house he can borrow a couple of grand on the strength of it.

Original poster
addictedtolatte · 22/11/2009 15:12

mrsboogie i have played dirty and told him his ds will want to know what happened to us when hes older and he just doesnt seem to care. i am shocked he is being so cold. he doesnt want me to move out now cos he doesnt see why we cant go on a holiday and sort this out. if only life was that simple. he thinks i am overeacting.

timeforme thankyou for this link i will have a look in a bit

ilovetiffany he wont give me any money to pay rent elsewhere because he wants me to stay here so i think he is refusing as a control thing. it is horrible trying to keep normal when you have an 18mnt ds with you. i could swing for him

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 22/11/2009 16:57

ok, well maybe you can "sort it out" by him putting your name on the tenancy so you can kick him out, although he probably won't do that.

If you are not prepared to walk out now you should start squirrelling money away - get it any way you can and save up for a deposit for your own place. Then, when he's out on one of his dates, move out and take everything with you that isn't nailed down (or owned by the landlord)

Don't give the tosser a forwarding address either.

Original poster
addictedtolatte · 22/11/2009 17:19

mrsboogie you sound like someone not to be messed with. laughed for the first time in 24hours about everything nailed to the floor comment. i wont be giving any forwarding address when am finally gone i think his son is better off without him. thankyou for your support

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 20:36

latte, mrsb is a force to be reckoned with

you would do well to listen to her take on your situation

mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NanaNina · 23/11/2009 17:41

Me too sorry to hear you are going through this but pleased that you are intent on leaving this man. Presumably he wants you to stay so he can have the best of both worlds. Agree with Mrs Jammi - you need good legal advice and should not make rash decisions. I think you need to take a little care with some of the advice on housing law here and council's responsibility. It does all depend on whether the council deem you to be "intentionally" or "unintentionally" homeless and they may well see you to be in the latter category and as such will not have any duty to re-house you.

I think you should consult a good lawyer and find out your rights. As others have said CAB are very good as are SHELTER. You could google both and get some preliminary info to set the ball rolling.

abedelia · 23/11/2009 18:02

Definitely see a solicitor on this one - afraid imho the CAB can be a bit patchy, and you need GOOD advice about the houses under probate. They are his assets and I would have thought you would therefore be entitled to more on his son's behalf because of this.

He needs to understand that you are not his possession and he does not own you, just because he is bringing in more money. Are you working, because if so you can claim quite a bit from tax credits.

Original poster
addictedtolatte · 24/11/2009 10:17

thankyou everyone for your good advice i have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow. i am going to stay till after christmas and save as much money as possible to leave. hes making my blood boil cos he thinks everything is normal but i dont intend staying. hes is panicking cos my best friend is on her way home from canada so he has convinced himself i am going back there with her. she was coming before all this trouble.

i am so annoyed at myself cos i made a decision to dump him 2yrs ago when i was 3months pregnant. i only stayed when his died was killed on the road. i just didnt have it in me to be that cruel to leave someone in these circumstances. arnt i the fool. i lost a child to mc 2mnts ago and he hasnt given me a second thought. sorry about ranting i think the anger part is kicking in

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