is my marriage worth saving?

[elliemoo]

Firstly apologies because I think this might be quite long..

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 3. We have 3 children aged 13, 11 and 5.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, whether to carry on with my marriage or not. My husband, fundamentaly, is a good, decent person. But I just feel so neglected and my self esteem is through the floor.

He is self employed and works long hours, and its always a case of me and the kids fitting in around him. A small but typical situation is that I never know what time to expect him home, I like to have dinner ready for when he gets in but its always a guessing game as to when he's going to show up. I've spoken to him so many times and explained that I'm not complaining about him working late, just that a quick text or call to give me a rough idea would make things easier for me and more importantly, show that he was thinking about me and the kids.

I know how minor it sounds! But its just typical of everything. He's not romantic at all, I never feel 'special'.

Aside from his long working hours, he goes out with friends too, not alot, because most of his time is taken with work, but at least once a week. I just wish I could have his attention once a week!

He forgets our anniversary or my birthday every year unless I remind him beforehand. And even then those days are nothing special. Last year I got a bunch of flowers from Sainsburys (because he was working near Sainsburys the night before) but no card as they didn't have any 'wife' anniversary ones.

I spent alot of time finding him a present and a nice card, but I wasn't even worth the trip to a second shop.

I have to deal with the kids pretty much single handedly. He's never been to a parents evening, ever. In August I was talking to him about our youngest starting school soon and he didn't even realise he was! He thought he was starting the following year. I just feel like a single parent most of the time.

There's also something else. The thing that has 'set me off' I guess...

A couple of weeks ago I borrowed his phone to get a phone number from a website that I needed. I can't use his phone very well and knew the site I wanted was one he visited often so to save myself typing in the address with my sausage fingers I went into the browser history to see if I'd get lucky and find the site there. But there was no history at all. It struck me as odd straight away, and also because he's been staying up late recently, once I've gone to bed.

Now I know there's no excuse for this, and I'm not proud of myself, but I've been doing a bit of detective work ever since. On the nights he stays up late he always deletes the history. On the nights he doesn't, he doesn't delete the history. This has been happening for a couple of weeks.

I don't have a problem with porn, he knows that. And if it is porn then its more the covering up that bothers me. But if its not porn, then what's he doing???

I haven't told him any of this. Firstly I feel bad for checking his phone. I've never done it before and I wasn't snooping in the first place, it was a purely accidental find. If I felt secure then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but as I feel that he doesn't care much about me, then getting up to something he shouldn't be isn't that great a leap.

I just feel like everythings closing in at the moment and the fact that I'm having trust issues shows how bad its got. I'd like to try relate but I don't know how he'd feel about it. I just don't know what to do.

Relate sounds like a good idea.

Sounds like things aren't right and that you need an opportunity to talk things out (but then in my marriage my XP never could communicate)

Hard to say what's happening with the phone. I guess it does sound strange - keep an eye out and see whether problem goes away or situation continues?

Elliemoo, you do sound so sad. From my perspective this really does sound worth saving. But it sounds like something needs to change really soon. Could you pin him down and say to him how alone you feel?

right i think you live in a bubble that is your life/home/kids

his bubble is work/home/wife/kids

he has more to his than yours

i really think these problems are something you can get over if you had more of your own intrests

Think you need to write him a letter before anything else, write it all down, everything. It's rubbish having that life, where you are not treasured for one second. Absolutely rubbish. Tell him all of it, not angrily, but everything (except the phone bit). See how it goes from there. Try to make it positive too, what you like about him, because what you want out of it is positive. It's not a win lose point score. Be honest.

In contrast with the phone thing I would keep quiet until you find out how to do things with cookies that will enable you to find out what he's up to.

If it wasn't for the other bit, and everything being so awful, I would ask him straight out about the phone thing. But it might be something that goes away on its own with the renewed energy and focus if he reacts positively to the letter.

My mum had this with my dad and my dh has this with me.... For the dinner thing it is at 7:30 no ifs no buts. If I am there then I am there. Knowing that it is then makes me more aware of it so genarally I am there.

I confess I am rubbish at remembering birthdays and other significant dates.... I had to call my Mum to get her to get my dh his card and present because I didn't have enough time to pick it up. I had only remembered b/c they were making a fuss about it being Friday the 13th at work. It is not because I don't care about DH but I just don't remember what day it is until I fire up my diary at work to find out what I am doing.

I too tend to not go to parents evenings and can never remeber what dates / time they are suposed to be at school - just because it is something I don't have to remember.... doesn't even hit my radar. DH is very good at doing it and we discuss anything that needs sorting out.
The phone thing needs a talk.

Thankyou for all your responses

I agree with what alot of you are saying, I absolutely do live in my own 'bubble' and him in his. This is something I've tried to change, tried to find my own interests and take some time out for myself, but it never really works because he's always at work and I've always got the responsibility of the kids.

I know forgetting important dates isn't the worst thing in the world, and that on it's own isn't such a big issue. If he ever did something spontanious for me or just generally showed that he cared, then one or 2 dates on the calender aren't important. I guess its because I sort of pin my hopes on those days because there's never anything at any other time.

As for the phone thing, I really expected to get slated for that! And probably justified too. I do feel horrible about it, but what's done is done and now the issue is there I'm going to have to deal with it somehow.

To add to our woes, things in the bedroom department aren't good. That's the one time when he does seem to remember I exist, but for me it's not enough, if he doesn't give me a passing thought at any other time, am I expected to be grateful that he does when we go to bed???

If I've had a day where he's been late home, dinner cremated, kids constantly asking what time is Daddy coming home, all for the lack of a quick call, and then hardly 2 words spoken between us all evening, it doesn't exactly put me in the mood! So that's another issue to add to the ever growing list...

I do need to talk to him, but as the years have gone by I find it harder and harder to communicate with him. Alot of the time I just accept my lot in life but eventually it all just gets on top of me.

if you must be a doormat don't complain when people walk over you.

Rude, I know - but you need to be told it. We cannot change other people, we can change our respone to them.

Book a babysitter or get a friend to come in and mind the children. Tell him what you've done and book a meal out for the two of you -or anything else you'd enjoy doing. Tell him if he doesn't make it you'll have to find other male company.

Presumably he works long hours because you need the money? Do you earn anything? If not, why not? It would give you some life of your own and free him to work les hard outside the home and do something to help you in it. If your relationship doesn't survive you'd also be better equipped to move on.

As for the phone - suspicious but maybe when he stays up late is the only time he has to clear it. I clear things when I have most time.

Elliemoo - does your H suggest sex when he behaves like this all day? Thus turning you into the bad guy when you say no?

There are a few warning bells going off here tbh. When busy people start deleting things from their phone and their PC, it's normally to hide something - and not just porn.

About the work issue. I did work p/t until I had my last child 5 years ago (can't believe it's that long!)

Just as I was about to go on maternity leave (with the intention of returning later) my eldest child was diagnosed with a chronic disease. I felt such guilt as I went to work as soon as they came home from school and returned when they were in bed, so I never really saw my eldest 2 during the week.

This was because I have no supportive family and the only way for me to work was to work evenings, so my DH looked after the children and it didn't affect school holidays etc..

I felt so guilty as I didn't notice any of her sypmtoms, as I wasn't there. So due to that I made the decision not to return to work.

Because of my daughters condition I am technically her carer, so we do get additional benefits (carers allowance, DLA) which are actually more than my p/t earnings were. So it made sense, I got to stay at home with my new baby and was also there for my daughter.

My DH is a workaholic. He earns a decent wage, we can pay the bills etc. But he doesn't know when to stop. He'll take on everything work wise because to him it means we can have extra material things, which is nice to a degree, but sometimes I'd prefer his time rather than what he can buy.

Now my youngest has just started school, my daughter is alot older and her condition is more manageable. I would like to work but I can't rely on my DH to help with childcare. If I have to pay for childcare it wouldn't be financially viable working anyway. Like I said, I have an unsupportive family who wouldn't help me out (my parents are alcoholics).

I decided to enrol on a college course, so that I'd be in a better position once the kids are older, and to give me something to do for me. I was really looking forward to it, hoping to make some new friends and stuff, but the week before I was due to start, the course I was on was cancelled due to lack of people wanting to do it, and because it was so near the start of term there was no alternatives for me. Gutted!!! So I am trying, but that one fell flat on it's face.

So that's where we are today. I'm at home all day and have nothing outside my family life.

Now, today I'm feeling more crap than ever and tonight I'm going to confront him.

I've been watching his phone over the weekend, he's not been staying up late and the history was still there. This morning he got up at 5am. (He usually gets up at about 8am) I checked his phone before he left for work and I knew what I'd find, the history was gone again. So it's one of either 2 things, either he just got up because he couldn't sleep and used the time to his advantage, or he actually got up at that time for the specific purpose of getting to his phone while I wasn't around.

I can't carry this round anymore, I feel like crap for having to admit that I've been checking his phone, but I've got no choice now. I've given alot of thought to what I'm going to say. I'm not going to throw a fit, I'm going to be calm and ask him what he's been doing.

If it is just porn then I'll tell him that I get it, I'm not happy but I get it. And hopefully from there I can talk to him about why I don't want sex much, and that we need to work on the relationship as a whole, then hopefully that will follow.

If it's anything worse then I'll cross that bridge, but whatever the truth is, it's gotta be better than carrying on like this!!!

aww elliemoo, just read this thread and you sound lovely but very unhappy

you are right, you cannot carry on like this for your own mental health

some of what you say about his secretive behaviour is rather worrying and you deserve an explanation

good luck when you talk to him, and keep us updated

Thanks AnyFucker. (love the name btw!)

I'm still counting down the hours til he gets home, and even then it's got to wait til the kids are in bed...

But the more I think about this the more I realise just how good he's got it! I know my self esteem is low but if I can see past that, I think he's pretty damn lucky! I support his work, I rarely moan about anything I pretty much give him the best life possible.

Now I know that's my downfall, I've been too soft, but if the worst comes to the worst and we end up apart then I strongly believe it's his loss! He'll struggle to find anyone who will put up with his stupid work hours and stuff, and then, maybe then, he realise what he took for granted!

It would be nice if he realised that before we split up, but hey ho, I'm not going to be the worthless victim and if we are going to survive then he's going to have to start doing some things my way.

< links arms with ellie >

elliemoo how about telling him that you want him home at a reasonable time at least once a week so that you can go out while he takes care of the children.

A few years ago when I was feeling rather neglected and taken for granted due to DP's work hours I did just this. I got myself all dressed up and just pottered round Asda in my heels for an hour or so Seeing me making an effort to go out on my own got DP's attention and it wasn't long before I got his! Maybe your DH is the same, he just needs a reminder of the woman he married, maybe he has taken you for granted for that long that he doesn't even realise he is doing it now.

I would say your first step is to work on your self esteem, invest in yourself in some way. Definitely, definitely tell your H that you are taking some time out for yourself and if he can't get home to do it then he will have to arrange a babysitter! Make a stand!