DH has never apologised - insurmountable problem?

[OnMyOwnAgain]

In many many years I don´t think my DH has ever apologised when an apology was definitely in order. Last Saturday he behaved really badly and we have not spoken since or at least not beyond basic civilities for the children´s sake. At the time he denied doing anything wrong (blatantly untrue) and would not acknowledge there had even been a problem.

I just don´t know what to do, this can not go on forever and this time I´m just not backing down. I haven´t done anything wrong.

What can I do? On the whole he is a pretty good husband and father but this just pisses me off so much, never apologising and never admitting he is wrong about something.

I wouldn't go on about apologies initially as that could just lead to a standoff. I'd just discuss the incident and how upset you were by it, and why you were upset. Give him time to discuss how he saw the incident as well. Mind you I'd have done this straight after the event. Having a huff and not discussing it for days isn't my style.

OnMyOwnAgain - having been in this situation a few time in the early years of our marraige I very often found I really honestly did not know whey DW was upset and why the stoney silences. Eventually I would often say 'why are you upet?' and she would say 'you should know! when I genuinely didn't. Only by willing to ask the question and talk could we untangle things. Now as we have got older we do not let things fester and I refuse to go to bed on an argumement. We talk and then and only then once I have understood - can I apologise properly.

You say it is 'out of character for him' to shout at you and you say you want 'win-win' but I don't thnk you really have found out why he was angry and he does not know why you were upset. It is 'lose-lose' at the moment.

You need to take him aside when the kids are in bed and talk it out. Stop trying to force an apology and focus on getting him to understand why you are upset and why he was angry.

Then kiss and make up.

my dp very very rarely ever says sorry. probably about twice in the 4 years we have been together. he thinks he is never in the wrong.

if we have an argument its always me that backs down first because i cant stand the tension even if i believe im the one in the right.

however, on occasion he does give me a certain type of cuddle a while after an argument which i have learnt to realise is his way of admitting he's wrong without actually having to admit it. he doesn't always do this though, only when its obvious he's in the wrong. He's very stubbern

OMOA, huge sympathies. I have a list of things which i feel strongly that DP should have apologised for, and he never has. It isn't the 'point scorong' of the lack of apology, it's the lack of acknowledgment that you feel upset, were hurt, and still feel that.

I wonder whether it might help to turn the spotlight off the actual apology - which could become a battle of wills - and try communicating more about the event and letting him know that you still feel very upset about his behaviour. Not on a point of principle, but because it hurts to be treated like that by someone who is supposed to make you feel special.

At the moment he probably sees you as being 'difficult' or 'moody', as he will be focussing on the fact that you are not talking to him. He needs to focus on what you feelinside, about the way he shouted at you. I think the calm, not screeching, non-accusatory, glass of wine aproach might work as well as any other.

But counselling could help if that doesn't work.

I really can't think of anything where I feel my husband should have apologised and didn't. We hardly ever apologise to each other, but then we tend not to have slanging matches. Are some people just married to folk they are incompatable with?
Usually if we have an argument it's more of a discussion and there isn't a right view and a wrong view with the person with the "wrong" view needing to apologise, we just see a situation differently.
Different if the person you live with abuses you verbally or physically, but then I'd be looking for a divorce not an apology.