Ended up happy with OM?

[jools37]

I know that some of you are going to berate me for starting this thread and indulging my delusions, but what the hell.

How many of you have ended up happy with the OM in your marriage, and how many have gor burned? Just curious.

Also, is there anyone out there who has found happiness with an old flame second time around, or does it always end in disappointment?

I am trying to get some perspective here ladies, although I know WhenwillIbenormal will not approve!

By the way, so happy to have found you all, I feel less alone in my situation some how since I started posting here. I cannot talk to my friends about my situation, as I would never want to demean DH in their eyes or cause him any embarrassment. It is a hard situation.

Yep. Worked for me. And a couple of friends too. Get your happiness where you can. no other bugger is going to worry about you.

Although if you have to ask I would say thats not a good indication and perhaps in your subconscious you know its not right but you are trying to convince yourself it is...

By messing around behind his back, it's yourself you will be demeaning when it all comes out, not your H, love.

I thought I had feelings for an ex, thankfully did nothing and have ended up still friends with him but realising that I just wanted his footloose, travelling lifestyle and that's what attracted me to him at that point.

My H followed his feelings for a colleague, got found out, lost friends, finds it hard to deal with the fact that some people still think he is a knob for doing it, and also found out she wasn't all she said she was cracked up to be. So he's spent a year with me in mutual hell trying to sort it out when we are both in various ways devastated by it and now despises her to boot, after finding out about her past and what she was really like. Guess that's two votes against.

Don't know if this counts, but I did meet DH2 while still married to DH1. In my mind it was already over, was just waiting until our overseas guests had come and gone to tell him. One night happened to go out with DH2 after work (had been in same office for a year but didn't really know each other), and ended up having what I thought would be a one night stand while DH1 was out of town. I think I let it happen because I was trying to detach myself (and I was sick of the lack of sex). I told him I wanted a divorce 3 weeks later. Now happily remarried with a 3 month old DS and no regrets.

Abedelia, I have not had any kind of sexual contact with OM, he is someone I used to love who has come back into my life and whom I still have feelings for.

When I was talking about demeaning DH, I meant that I could not talk about the sexual problems we are having in our marriage with my friends for that reason.

MoreSpamThanGlam, I am not having doubts or thinking that it will work, since I am not really in a position to explore the possibilities at the moment, since I am married and do not really want to cheat on DH (although I guess some people would say I already have by even discussing the possibility of being with another man, althoigh we have had no physical contact).
However, some people have suggested that such relationships are always doomed to failure for various reasons, I was just wondering if thiswas everyone'sexperience.

Thinking about it isn't the end of the world! At least you are stepping back and considering the implications rather than jumping into something destructive.

Sorry, you weren't clear on whether anything had happened yet... I suppose from my example (and many people would say this is often the case with old flames) - part of the attraction is harking back to a time when you were more free to do stuff, and a desire to recapture that time, so beware! Do you really want him and what he is now, or are you interested in feeling like you did back then again? And why did you break up in the first place (if you had a relationship), or why didn't you get together then?

Don't do this to yourself. Self-indulgence ends up being painful and I do know what I am talking about unfortunately.

Talk to your husband and give him a chance to try and improve things once he realises the consequences.

Have an affair.

Be on your own for a bit.

FWIW I think you should do the last option.

As I explained in detail in another thread, OM is five years older than me. We were together for 2 years, from aged 18 to 20 for me. I was a university doing my law degree when he got offered a fab job in Singapore. I wouldn't ask him to turn it down for me. He wanted me to go, and I was tempted, but I didn't want to give up on my dreams at that stage for a man, even though I loved him, I thought I was too young and was trying to be sensible. My parents and friends were also horrified at the thought I would give up my career dreams for a man at the age of 20, particularly since he was my first long-term boyfriend. We kept it up for a while but he was too far away and we were going through very different things. I now think I may have been mad not to go, but that's hindsight for you!

I know there is a lot in what you say about nostalgia, particularly bearing in mind what a mess my marriage is at the mo, but I do still fancy the arse off him, and when we have talked he seems almost exactly the same as I remember. It is hard to know I guess.

I think the only thing to do is probably spend some time on my own and try and get some perspective.

jools_ we can all give you our experiences, but that doesn't mean he same will happen to you.

My story- engaged at 20- split up. He did it- said he was too young. Reunion at 37 ish. Madly in love again, both of us. Didn't go looking for it- just a friendly "hello" by letter. We then had an affair for 2 years. Not a lot of contact in person due to distance, but lots of phoning and occasional meetings. He was in his 2nd marriage (rebound job after wife no.1 left him) and very unhapppy- me less so in mine.

It gradually petered out- he didn't want to ask me to leave my DH for him,and break up the family, and I therefore thought he didn't really want me.

He got divorced, kept his distance for a bit, then i think I made contact again- and it started again- nothing physical that time, but lots of emotional support.

I had another chance and didn't take it- put my DCS first.

He married for the 3rd time. Said he was tired of waiting for me to leave. I was gutted. We have since met again,emailed and talked, and are close friends. No more sex though! He finds meeting painful, and I do too.

It could have worked. we have finally accepted it is too late for us.

You? No one knows. Is it him you want or any port in a storm?

purplepeony, are you still with your DH? Are you happy or will you always regret not taking your chance? Does your DH know about your relationship with this OM?

I don't think it is a case of any port in a storm. I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time now, but I have never even considered being unfaithful to DH with anyone until he came back on the scene. The strength of the feelings I still have for him scared the crap out of me when we first bumped into each other again.

I am still with my DH Jools.
He knew I saw OM but assumed it was a friendship only. I have over the years dropped hints that it was more, when we have had rows, but DH seems to want to turn a blind eye. When I saw him last about 18 months back, I told DH and he said "Who?"- he couldn't even remember him.

I don't know the answer to your other question- really! My DH really loves me and he is a good man, but what I have with OM is a soul-mate, finishing-sentences telepathy type relationship.

I think we could have been happy, but not sure if the fall out for my kids would have been worth it all. I asked him to wait til they were grown up, as they are now- but he was sure I'd never leave so made his own life. In his words, he is now content but his 3rd wife in not his ideal woman and he says he has never found the closeness we had with anyone else.

In some ways I regret not taking the chance, but you do what feels right at the time. My bggest worry over him was his track record- hehad a couple of other long term relationships apart from the marriages nad I just wasn't sure.

Hi Jools
I wanted to add my story (so far). I have been with DH 27 years. Drifting apart slowly - he hasnt made me laugh for three years at least and the sex is abysmal. 18 months ago I met MM and had a brief and passionate affair. Wow! Then reality set in, his guilt and my reluctance to hurt our families. We have stopped the affair slowly and painfully and remain friends with a gentle email contact now but no more.

I have been going to counselling and am gradually working out what I want and need. The lack of guilt and the lack of laughter is telling me that my marriage is virtually over. I will give Relate a try because I am not a quitter but I think in my heart I know I am going to leave eventually. Perhaps my DH deserves better too.

MM has his head in the sand and despite what looks like a crappy relationship from where I stand (but who really knows?) he wants to stay with his DW. She of course hasn't been given a chance to express her wishes because she doesnt know about me.

So will we end up together? Unlikely. But life is long and interesting and there are many twists and turns.

Maybe the counselling will put things right again with my DH. Or not.
Maybe DW will give MM the push anyway and he will find himself single and lonely. Or I will.

Be careful what you wish for! Getting it might be worse than not getting it.