How do I get past feeling such dispair?

[mummyluvsme]

Have been in a relationship for 9 years. I have everything that one could wish for (Three beautiful children, home, partner who provides everything one could want), but everynight when I go to bed, I have this overwhelming desire, not to wake up in the morning. I know that there are people in the world who have far, far, worse positions to be in, so I just don't know why I feel so dispairing all the time. I am able to put on a front so that the rest of the world can't see how I feel inside! I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy! I know I should be 'happy' but I feel that nothing I do is ever good enough no matter how hard I try and I'm at a point now where I wonder what is the point of carrying on? I don't think that I am depressed and have been told to pull myself together but I just can't manage it however hard I try. Need some help to try and pull myself out of this train of thought but I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone face to face.

You sound depressed to me.

Go and see your GP on Monday.

Try not to worry.

what about you? do you do stuuf for yourself too? i make sure i do. i don't spend all of my time,energy or money on family,you have to do things for yourself too.

I agree, sounds like depression. Go to your doctor immediately.

I feel so week and selfish. I can go about my day to day things mostly ok. I do cope with the children and all there demands (not brilliantly) but I cope none the less. I just feel hollow inside, like nobody would really be bothered if I weren't around, especially my DP! I feel that if there I try to express my feelings AT ALL then I'm just attention seeking, so I find it best not to say anything at all. I don't have anything in my life for me. Except on a thursday night when I go to my friend's house to watch a movie. Anything that is above and beyond that, my DP makes me feel guilty (albeit jokingly) and whatever I do in the house wether it's cooking or cleaning or whatever, DP find's it's just not good enough. It's been so long now that I 'really' believe it and I feel like I really don't own my own mind.

Sounds like you would be a lot happier with your P.

if he makes you feel like that then i'd be off!! haad an ex like that. ditched him,moved out with the 4 dc and happier on my own!!

withOUT your p

I know. Got to find some courage from somewhere. I know he'd be a complete nightmare if I dared to leave. Apart from that I know it sounds completely stupid! but I couldn't take his children away from him. Am I just looking for excuses? or is there some way to cope with this better?

you so sound like me when my own dc were small!!

they are older now,tell me they hated the arguing etc...violence too....

you'll lose a bit more of yourself with each year that passes

"Dared to leave"? He isn't in charge of you. And you wouldn't be taking his children away from him. He can still see them, you would be taking yourself away from him.

My eldest is 17 so he's at a real crutial stage of his life starting college etc. At home he has his own self-contained appartment in the upper floor of the house. My middle is nearly 6, just started year one at school and my youngest is 3. All are completely happy and contented at home. We do have a lovely home. My P does provide everything they want or need without the need for me to go to work yet. I would like to go back to work when my youngest is at school. To take all of that away from them, i feel, would be so selfish. They would never have the comfortable home life they do now if I were to take them away. I have to say that there is no violence in our home. Unfortunately My P does hold the 'old fashioned', victorian values that prevent me from being a modern independent woman. I don't strictly speaking want to be modern and independent, I just would like to have a little love and understanding and appreciation for the things I do, or even for who I am.

I must admit though I don't know who I am these days.

You get one life.

Why settle for second best?

Well, it's all come to a head today and DP has walked away. I feel so wierd. I know this means a new start but I feel so guilty! I know that when I go to bed tonight I'll be thinking about what comes next, but I feel sorry for him being alone without his family (the kids). I know this will probably wind alot of people up but I can't help it. Will it get better? How do I stay stong? What do I tell the kids?

Wow. how did that happen?

What an opportunity to create a new life for yourself, though. Why do you feel guilty? And why do you think you'll wind people up?

Yes it can be better. Can you tell the kids the truth? Where's he gone?

Dont walk away from your marriage so quickly. Talk to your husband and tell him there needs to be changes. But I do agree with the others you do sound depressed and that is not the state to be in when making important decisions. Sleep well and see what tomorrow brings.

There is just no talking to him. I've tried but no matter what i say I just end up winding him up. He just doesn't seem to understand that I have feelings. We went to relate a while ago but he refused to continue himself after a few weeks because he said it was all down to me and my issues. There was no point in continuing with the relationship counselling when only one of us was willing to take part. The relate situation was thrown back in my face recently sharpened by the fact that his mother had paid for the sessions. I was unaware of this at the time and was completely blown away by this when it was brought up in one of his attempts to bring me down. I feel guilty because I know how much he loves the kids and how much he will miss seeing them everyday like he normally does. It's strange because even though he says he loves his home life with the kids, he still seems to me like he wants to live like a single person. No noise, mess, hassle. Which is not in my mind what being a family is all about. I can't help thinking is it me? Could I have done something better? It always seemed like nothing I ever did was good enough. At times I felt like he expected me to be like some kind of stepford wife. Many times he'd compare me to his mother or sister, asking me "why aren't you organised and happy like them? There are loads of people who would be more than happy with your life."

You feel sorry for a man who's just turned his back on his family? C'mon now! Feel for your children, feel for yourself but don't worry about him, he's big enough to make his decisions and live with the outcome.

If you haven't yet been to your GP, please do go, having said that, I do think you will find a renewed strength in deciding upon and aiming for your new future with your children. (Seeing the GP is still of the utmost importance!)

It will get better, it always does! For now you don't have to tell the children a great deal. You don't seem to know a great deal yet, understandably! So aim for something at present which you don't think will upset them too much, maybe that he's gone to stay with friends or family for a few days.

It will be more easy for both them and you if your mind is a little more settled when the time comes to be as fully honest as you decide to be with them.

If you are at the point of wondering if there's any point in carrying on - that would certainly seem like depression.

Your DH's reaction to therapy, that it was "all your fault" makes it sound like he was so scared to confront that something in BOTH of you needed to change that he ran away from it.

If you go to your GP, ask him for a referral to your local psychological services. If you start to get actively suicidal, you could consider anti-depressants but be careful, it could give your DH a reason to tell people that YOU are depressed/mad and it's all YOUR fault, which would make you feel worse and more unloved, when really, it sounds like it is outside factors causing your depression, not a chemical imbalance. Frankly, living with someone who constantly belittles you over years with talk such as "why aren't you organised and happy like them? There are loads of people who would be more than happy with your life" would make most people depressed

FFS! Your P is a BULLYING SEXIST WANKER, no wonder you are miserable.
It's not a therapist you need, love, it's a chat with women's aid. Your partner has spent years criticizing and belittling you and treating you like an object, and now he's flounced off? You are well shot of him. CHeck out your legal rights re housing. child maintenance etc and just think: this is the start of the rest of your life.

Just because you and he are not in a relationship doesn't mean he can't see the kids every day.