Worried about my sister.

[Narketta]

My sister has been with her DP for just over 4 years she is 24 and has been ready to leave home and settle down with him for a while he is 30 and lives with his parents.

In the time that they have been together she has caught him sending text messages and emails to his ex.
He tells my sister she is fat and ugly and that she looks like a bloke.
If they have plans to go out and one of his mates calls he will drop my sister for his mates.
And the most worrying thing for me is that he is an aggressive drunk, my sister has recently told me that they had a row when they were out, she was sober because she was driving he was drunk and didn't want to leave, he lost his temper with her and stormed off and as she followed him out of the door he slammed it and it hit her in the head and almost knocked her out, she ended up in A&E.

Even after all of this,
They talked about moving in together and he really didn't seem very enthusiastic, ie everytime they spotted a house within their price range he would find an excuse not to go for it.
So my sister asked him again if he was ready to move in with her and he said he felt that she was pressuring him.

My sister has always been sensible has a good job her own car and savings so she decided to buy a place of her own and said that she wasn't willing to wait around for someone who wasn't ready to commit.

He hated that she wanted to do this on her own but my sister wanted to be totally independant so bought a flat just over 3 months ago.
Even though he didn't want them to buy somewhere together he has now moved in with her doesn't pay a penny towards the bills, has quit his job and doesn't lift a finger to help even though he's there all day while my sisters at work.

My sister told me yesterday that she is broody and wants them to start trying for a baby
When I asked her what he wants she says he's not sure that he's ready yet

I told her i'm worried about her and think that having a baby with him would be the worst thing she could do.

I can't believe that my once confident, out going, take no crap from anyone sister is putting up with this.

What does this man actually want?

"what does this man actually want?"

He wants to make your sister's self esteem as low as possible in order that

a)she won't leave him

and b) that she will continue to accept his behaviour - letting him treat her like shit and live at her flat free of charge while 'servicing' his every need.

Yes a baby with him is not a good idea.

I would contact an organisation such as women's aid for advice on how best to support her here

I am sorry you are having to watch your sister go through this and that she is going through it at all

Thanks for the link TheArmadillo

I know there's only so much I can do until my sister see's him for what he really is.

When I told her that he was slowly grinding her down until she feels worthless she jumped straight to his defence saying "oh he doesn't mean it thats just how he is".

I went through this myself at a similar age to my sister and I know that when your in the situation you don't see it as it is.

I thankfully opened my eyes when the man I was with hit me, In all the time I was with him I'd known that he would eventually hit me.

I just want my sister to get out befor eit gets to that point.

It must be horrible to have to watch while feeling powerless.

Is there something in your joint pasts that make you gravitate towards these type of men ? or make them pick you ?

TBH, I would say that if she can´t already see him for what he is, all you can do is wait and be there for her when she finally does realise-or worse ends up badly injured.

countingto10
Our mum and dad used to be verbally and physically abusive towards each other until they divorced when I was 15 and my sister was 4.
Mum says they brought out the worst in each other, maybe they brought the worst out in us to

But lots of people go through traumatic childhoods and don't end up dating or marrying abusive partners so who knows.

I'll check back later, Have to cook dinner.

I only say that because my dad was an abusive drunk and that shaped the way I viewed relationships and the men I picked (or picked me ). My mum stayed with him and I look at mine and my sisters relationships (and the fact my brother hasn't married or had a significant relationship at the age of 38) and I know that my childhood has shaped who I am and how I deal with things etc. It has taken counselling (following a problem with my marriage) that made me and my DH realise what an impact both our childhoods had had on us.

It is something worth looking at as obviously your sister has made a bad choice (probably repeating what your mum and dad did without realising it as this is her experience of a relationship).

Hopefully she will find the strength to do the right thing soon.

Not that you need to be told this, I'm sure! but I bet your sister isn't "fat and ugly", or that she "looks like a bloke" at all. In fact, I've just looked at your photographs and if there's even an ounce of family resemblance between you, DCs and her, I'm sure she's lovely.

At 24, she still has her whole life ahead of her. When I read that "My sister has always been sensible has a good job her own car and savings", I immediately thought "they're going to be gone if she stays with him". Lo and behold, "doesn't pay a penny towards the bills, has quit his job and doesn't lift a finger to help even though he's there all day while my sisters at work."

It must be horrible having to watch all of this and I know I'm just rambling without much of a solution, but is there any way that you could put those thoughts to her by asking her if she's ever thought about what life would be like with a man who loved her for who she actually is?

"What does this man actually want?"

To be honest it sounds like he's got what he wants. He's got a home that he doesn't have to pay for, he's got loads of free time because he doesn't have to work, he can go and get pissed whenever he wants, and he's got someone that waits on him hand and foot while he sits on his arse.

Fuck what he wants. I think the crucial question is what does your sister actually want, and why she feels that there's any hope of getting it from this waster.

It must be really hard to see your sister in this situation. Sadly it can be difficult to help someone who hasn't realised that they're in an abusive relationship. If you try too hard to intervene then often what happens is that the abuser uses that as a reason to cut the abused off from their support network for "intefering". Have a look at this page from Women's Aid for some ideas of how to approach this.