Scared for my friend, what to do?

[letsblowthistacostand]

A very good friend of DH's and mine just got engaged. I very much want to be happy for her but am quite worried about her fiance, especially after seeing this : www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

This woman has been friends with DH for about 18 years and after DH and I got together I've become friends with her too. She's lovely and kind, interesting and funny, loves our children and is just all around a person you would want to know.

Her fiance is very jealous of her previous relationships, romantic or friendly. He objected to her coming to visit us and staying at our house overnight towards the beginning of their relationship. She visited but stayed with another friend in the area. He was very combative with DH the one time they met--DH gets along with everybody but he said it was like this guy wanted to pick a fight with him.

He's read her emails, listened to her phone messages and checked her texts without telling her until afterwards. Recently another friend put up some old photos on facebook and one of them had our friend with an exboyfriend. She requested them to be taken down as she didn't want her fiance to be offended by them. The pictures were at least 10 years old.

After they get married, she will be giving up her job and moving up north with him--to a town where they don't know anybody.

We are trying to show as much support her as possible so that if he does get awful she'll know she can come to us for help, but is there anything else we can do? I'm just so afraid that he's going to move her up to this remote town and completely isolate her from everyone. He tried to make her cut us off but she put her foot down on that at least.

She used to be so bubbly and funny and now whenever I talk to her she sounds so tired.

Urgh, how horrible for you. Wish I could think of something sensible to say beyond 'stay friends, listen, don't be afraid to tell her you are worried'. Bump.

How long have these two been together?.

I think her man is already awful and is behaving abusively towards her. This will likely get far worse too, controlling behaviour often escalates over time. Small wonder therefore this lady is tired - she is already being abused and is feeling the effects of his behaviours. Is she aware of how much she has changed for him and will give up for this man?.

I'd be having a general talk with this lady about her fiance. Does she not realise that she is walking with her eyes seemingly open into a controlling and thus abusive relationship?. Unfortunately as well it may well be some considerable time (and perhaps her having children by him as well) before the scales do fall from her eyes re this man.

Does she try and make excuses for him, explain away his behaviour?. What do her own family and friends think of him?. Presumably he has managed to isolate her further away from them too. He has done a thorough number on her.

He is a very dangerous individual indeed and controlling men do not let go of their victims easily.

Unfortunately your friend is likely to be suffering from a profound lack of self esteem and self worth - this attracts abusers like this man like moths to a flame. They have radar for such women and he likely met her at a time when she was very vulnerable emotionally speaking.

I would keep the lines of communication open
with your friend, she needs you now more than ever. You may well want get a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and give it to her. Its all about controlling behaviours and such behaviours are always abusive - power and control lies at the heart of abuse.

Thanks Attila, I'd love to give her something like that book. Problem is, I'm not sure she'd be open to it and I don't want her to stop communicating with us because she thinks we don't like her man, iyswim.

There's definitely a self esteem issue, she is in her late 30s and views this guy as her last chance to have babies.