Parents who treat you like a child - what to do?

[Besom]

I've long been aware that my dad infantilises me to a great extent, and that he doesn't respect my boundaries.

At the weekend dad was babysitting as dh and I were at a friends house which is 3 streets away and less than 5 minutes walk. DH went home at midnight to relieve dad, and I stayed at friends. I then get phone call from my father demanding that I come home and he'll come and get me. I refused so he said I had to get a taxi that he will pay for, and then I got a text asking me if I'm home yet. (I lied and said I was). He said he 'would never have allowed' my mother to walk home by herself like that, so implying that dh is being remiss in his husbandly duties. I'm in my late 30's btw.

There are many, many other examples where he tries to interfere in my life, or makes innappropriate comments about things that are none of his business etc.

I always coped with this in the past by keeping my distance when he was annoying me, but I'm finding this more difficult now I have dd. He adores dd, but uses her as an excuse to turn up at my house unannounced, or to spend loads of time here.

He isn't good at seeing others points of view, and I when I challenge him on things he tends to change the subject and refuse to speak about it, or starts saying that I'm being unreasonable and hurtful to him.

I need to establish boundaries (which have probably never been there, I just managed to avoid him better in the past). It's actually really getting me down at the moment. Does anyone have parents like this and how do you cope?

From the example you´ve given he sounds more like a control freak who wants to belittle your husband tbh.

He would "never have allowed your mother" I think is the key phrase.

But why didn´t you & your husband just walk home together?

Perhaps he was right to be concerned about you walking home alone-but of course he shouldn´t be demanding of you.

I think my father would have found that an odd situation, tbh.

My mum is just like this!
So controling I am going mad, but I also cannot speak to her about it.
I have no idea how to talk to her so that she treats me like an equal and an adult.
We have just had a huge falling out and I was/am considering cutting ties because I feel I can't explain how I feel without her telling me I am 'being ridiculous(snort)' but I am so fed up with being criticised and belittle over my decisions.
The argument we had was over her telling me that DG had 'let them down on a number of occasions'
She was not happy to learn that that was precisely why DH avoids them. Because she makes him feel a fool and he doesn't appreciate it, so he streers as clear as he can.
Often being accused of rudness and enerally talk down about, when he is not there. Something he is unaware of and I tolerate for the sake of the peace and to avoid telling them it is because they belittle him.
Oh, ramble ramble

I am afraid I am no help. I am hoping that your thread will provice answers for us both.

On this occasion, though I am sure this is just one of many annoying things your dad has done. But was he not just being a little old fashioned in saying you ought to be accompanied/seen home safely? That would have been the way in his day, wouldn't it?
Modern indepandant women??!!

Yes, well he and my mum separated. I wonder why?

This happened because I wanted to stay later at friends, so dh agreed to return to let dad go home. It was all my doing so I could stay out later. I am actually very cautious about my personal safety but this walk does not bother me at all (very short, plenty of people around).

There is a lot of control freakery (and belittling) going on, but he does have good points as well.

I'm just not sure how you get a control freak to back off a bit? I may not ask him to babysit any more, but the truth is we need him.

I was just reading your thread tf. I noticed some people saying 'get over it' but I don't think they realise how it affects your confidence and self esteem, or how it can grind you down.

Yes he was just being old fashioned and I don't have a problem with him experiencing these feelings about me walking home or even expressing them. It's just the over the top reaction and the expectation that I should do what he says that I have trouble with.

tf - my dad often comments on the fact that dh is not as educated and does not earn as much as me (or didn't before I went part time). DH doesn't know the extent of this either. He tries to pry into our financial situation, and asks me inappropriate questions about it, but dh and I are both good at managing our money and dh has always paid his way. It's actually extremely rude isn't it?

The thing is that I know I'm not going to change him. I just need to find a way to manage him without losing the plot myself.

I'm thinking that I need to ask him only to come round on a specific day, once a week. If I don't see him too often I can cope better I find.

Once a week sounds a good idea.

It sounds as if your dad wants to know everything to have the "upperhand".

Or thinks he still has aright to know everything about you.

Perhaps he doesn´t have enough going on in his own life?

You're right there diddl - has recently retired. He does have a partner, thank goodness, or he would be driving me completely demented. Not sure how she puts up with him tbh!

From my experience, it is when I don't speak up for myself at the time of the upset. That is when it starts to really get to me.

Dad will say to me 'x,y,z'....and inside I am fuming about what has just been said, but instead of speaking up, cue a bit of nervous laughter followed by awkward silence from me.

Then it gets to me for days afterwards, sometimes badly. I feel I have let myself down.

I know full well I should be saying 'Why on earth did you say that? Don't talk to me like that? What business is it of yours?' or whatever at the time.

I do always find when I manage to speak up, however hard or uncomfortable it is, I am fine afterwards.

So I think the key is not to swallow your immediate reactions when dealing with people who make us feel like this, be it your mum, dad or whoever. You need to find your voice and really use it at the time, not hold back your reactions.

So bloody hard, I know.

peskykitty You are so right.
I am a one for holding my tongue and then fuming afterwards until I blow at inopportune moments.
The last time I had a problem with my sis (only a wee misunderstanding really) mum told me to say nothing and not rock the boat.
It nearly killed me!
Eventually I had to go straight to my sis, as I should have done in the first place, and sort it out.
She was laughging at me getting myself in such a tizz over it when I should just have called her.
It was my mums interferance (as on my DS Birthday) that made matters so much worse, for me, than they should ever have become had I just spoken straight to my sis.
On that occasion she was actually sat next to my mum who took the phone and went beserk at me, escalating the whole thing to ridiculous proportions!

My point is I should not be strangulated of my voice or my freedom to speak, it will make matters worse.
But, I guess, it is just another way for my mum to control us all.

It was a stupid mistake of DHs, years ago, to put mum in the middle.
It gave her power which we should never have allowed her. Look what it has done.

That's it twink, it is a power struggle.

As children, we did not have the power to speak up for ourselves (well I didn't at least) and just ended up internalising all those negative emotions. It is so damaging.

As adults we should be able to take that power back, but it is so difficult!

I didn't speak to my dad for 8 years, because I could not deal with him and all the issues he caused in my upbringing.

I agreed to start seeing him again because not seeing him felt like I was hiding from the issues, running away from it all and not dealing it.

I clicked on this thread though because lately I feel I am losing my courage with him again and allowing him the upper hand all the time. It's my own fault though, I know better.

Maybe I need my own thread!

Yep- my dad is exactly like this. He asks me what time I am coming home from a night out under the guise that he cares about dds welfare. He does but he cares more that he can use abby sitting to control me. I don't know what to do either.

Peskykitty - how does your dad react if you challenge him? Mine tends to blank me so I get very frustrated, but it is much better to say something at the time.

Need to develop a thicker skin I think.

SIL was telling me that when he was staying with them he took my 4 year old nephew out of their garden and down to the local park but without telling sil or db that they were going. They had no way of knowing if newphew was with my dad or not. He doesn't like sil very much and I can never work out if he does stuff on purpose or is just really dense. Sil thinks it was on purpose.

Don't be afraid of saying things such as "that's none of your business", "that's private between me & dh" say it calmly and repeat repeat repeat like a stuck record.

When your Dad rang and said to go home it would have been completely acceptable to say "No I'm not DH and I have decided I will come home late, it's nothing to do with you" as long as you stay calm the only person who will lose it will be him.

Hi Besom,

If I challenge my dad, often he reacts like a kid himself. Goes a bit quiet, often will say 'what are you talking about?'(like I'm the crazy one!) or sulks and silently kind of admits defeat.

Its all about being consistent with my dad, like dealing with a child. If not then I end up like I am feeling now...like I have actually allowed him the upper hand.

And Besom, I am exactly the same with regards to questioning if he does things on purpose to hurt me or if he's just an ignorant, uneducated, selfish pig.

I do feel in my heart that my dad does not mean me any harm and that he does 'love' me in his own way......my conclusion.....he is just and ignorant, uneducated, selfish pig! I just have to try to work around it.

pesky/cargirl - so consistency, keeping clear boundaries, making sure there are consequences for behaviour. Just like dealing with dd's toddler tantrums!

Exactly Besom. Ridiculous isn't it really. It should be so easy!

I think the reason I struggle is because there is so much 'bad history' with my dad from my childhood. All the resentments, dissapointments, frustrations, anger, fear, power struggles, helplessness to express myself etc.

Because I realise I have no problem at all telling anyone else where to get off

Funny enough, I challenged my dad the other day regarding something that had been festering.

Although he didn't see anything wrong with what he had originally done, he allowed me to get angry with him, have a rant and a rave (in fact, I went totally OTT with him because I had allowed things to get under my skin and magnify) I was screaming/spitting venom at him ....he then APOLOGISED TWICE!!!!

Cannot remember a single time in my life when my dad has ever apologised to anyone.

Have felt a bit guilty for laying into him, but am brushing that aside.....I am entitled to rant and rave at whoever the hell I like, when it's deserved.

Bottom line....we must not allow them to treat us like kids. Once they start all that, we have to stop it for ourselves otherwise it just carries on and on. Take that power back.