How do I deal with my mum sorry v long

[slushy06]

I know it sounds silly but I have been having constant migraines because of this and it has to be sorted.

Bit of back round as long as I can remember I took care of my mum my Dad lived abroad and I rarely saw him and I was raised by my step dad from about 7 months.

My step dad had been unloved as a child because his mum had wanted a daughter there were no photos of him only of his sister. My dad had a son and a daughter the son lived with me from a year old and up to this point had very little knowledge of who his mum was because his mum had post natal depression and couldn't care for him he lived with us for about 2 years barely having seen his mum when she came and took him without warning.

My step dad worried about his son as his ex wife stopped him from seeing his son for about a year turned to drugs.

Fast forward my step dad gave me all my emotional support but when I was 8 he was sent to prison. I was badly bitten by a dog and nearly died and my mum was sectioned I remember visiting her and she did not even know who I was.

When they let her out I cared for her I took care of bills stress and told her it would be okay dad would get out soon. When my step dad got out he was even worse on the drugs and would frequently not come home cue me putting my hysterical mum to bed. I would then lock up and go to sleep ready to get up for school.

When I was 13 my mum had a baby my little sister and I feared that she would one day know the life I lived. She left me sleep over my abusive b friends house from the age of 13 and never questioned why I was covered in bruises. So at 15 I told my mum we needed to leave my dad she said no so I told her if she didn't I would not sort out any mess for her any more she left.

I am 22 now and have two dc a ds 3 and a dd 4months.The problem is my mother refuses to discipline my sister who is now 8 and this is started to badly effect my ds the fact that she is allowed to do as she pleases I have no problem with how my mum chooses to raise her however when my sister is deliberately hurtful to my ds in order to get his own way if I shout my mum will argue.

If I push on this my mum will stop speaking to me and then my sister will be forced to live the life I did as my mum still selfishly does what she wants regardless of the consequences. However I also fear my sister who also shares a self centered and attention seeking personality is without discipline or boundries going to end up in trouble and if I cut all ties there will be no one to help her.

But I have tried so hard to make sure my children don't lead the life I did and I have done it however I cant let my sister continue to encourage my children to misbehave and to walk all over my kids.

I hate my mum for what she has done but at the same time I love her and find it hard to let go knowing she wont survive what do I do.
Please help me find the strength and answers so I can finally leave the horrid things of my past.

I will be impressed if anyone has managed to read all that sorry I guess I had alot I needed to get of my chest.

I should point out that my sister is not brought up like I was. When I say she is not disciplined I mean my mum overcompensates and has made my sister believe that no one feelings are important but hers e.g When dd was born my sister came in pushed ds out of the way and said I don't want to play with you you are boring I want to see the new baby. I shouted at her ds was crying and my mum and me had a big argument my mum saying my sister is delicate and she feels left out.

I am more afraid that a big emotional upheaval may send her back to how she was when I was young.

I'm sorry that your childhood was so difficult and that the grown-ups in your family made a mess of much of what they did around you.

I'm a bit confused about your current situation. Are you still living with your mother, together with your 8 year old sister and your own two small chilldren or are you just nearby so they are in and out of your place a lot?

Do you have a partner who is helping you bring up your children? You've invested a lot into your relationship with your mum and your little sister so distancing yourself might not seem right to you. I'm not too sure what the right thing is but I think with two children and all you have already done for your mum/sister really you have enough on your plate and perhaps should concentrate on your own children for now.

OP you wrote: "When I was 13 my mum had a baby my little sister ... at 15 I told my mum we needed to leave my dad she said no ... she left."

so your mum left you when you were 15 and your sister was just 2. I'm presuming then you were basically the mum for your little sister so perhaps it is sort of sibling rivalry with your ds. She is just jealous of him coming along and taking your attention away from her?

OMG how terrible for you.
I think you need to stay away from this toxic woman, look after your own children and get the social services involved in the hope you half sister may be put in to a decent foster home.

I have a great life I have bought a house with my dp but my mum has decided to rent a house just down the road (which is why I am panicking). I guess I am fed up I want peace and quiet and to raise my kids but I feel guilty like I am abandoning my sister. I know it is confusing I don't understand it myself.

Me and my mum and sister left although I did have alot of input in my sisters life and was more like a mother I moved out when I was 17 and had my ds. There may be sibling rivalry I can understand that but I still think she should be corrected when she hurts my son I would correct my son if he hurt my daughter every time I try to sort this we argue.

So you continued living with your mother and sister moved out when your sister was 4. Sorry, misunderstood.

Frankly I think you deserve some peace and quiet and whatever you want/need for your own children.

Kimi I have thought of it but she is a good mum to my sister she is just overcompensating and trying to make up for what she did to me. She tells her no if it is dangerous she is just afraid to hurt her feelings. What she did to me was wrong and I should have gone into care but my sister does not live like that.

I don't think you should feel guilty about abandoning your sister, being responsible for other people was thrust upon you at way too early an age and has become a part of who you are I expect. I'd imagine that would hlep make you a great mum but hard not to feel that guilt maybe.

It's not great that your mum has moved in just down the road from where you've bought a house under the circumstances but I do think that it is good you have a partner so it is the two of you putting a united front up if it comes to showing her some boundaries.

It is hard I don't know why I should hate her and be able to just leave but I have always been there how do you say no when you cant remember doing anything else.

I don't feel sorry for myself I have a wonderful supportive dp beautiful healthy kids a beautiful house and I am generally happy. I just don't want my children's feelings to be hurt without my sister being corrected.

I do get bitter that others don't seem to feel as guilty as I do. But I don't find pain or sacrifice hard so there are pluses.