I know I'm wrong but I wish someone would understand

[CaresMildly]

This is a bit complicated but I did something which annoyed my BIL. DH works for his sister (BIL is her husband). BIL sent me an insulting email and then lied about a contract I had with his organisation so I lost a chunk of my income.

The whole situation would probably not have arisen but for the fact that we had a baby last year, so I cut back my working to do full time childcare.

After the baby I had PND and I missed DH so much when he wasn't there.

Since BIL sent the email and I lost my job DH and I have been having relationship counselling, because if we had been communicating better since DD arrived perhaps none of this would ahve happened.

Anyway, I am seem trapped in this pit whereas DH wants to move on and is getting fed up with me. The counsellor is good but she says DH is right and his attitude of not saying anything to BIL and going on as normal is right and better than mine.

I know they're right but it hurts so much. DH, BIL and SIL all carry on as normal. BIL gets to insult me and tell lies about me and I just have to live with it??

I don't know what to do or how to "move on". WFT does it mean anyway?

Glad to help, good luck with it - and remember, fuck 'em, living well is the best revenge. Get on with your life, carry on the good work you're doing on your relationship with your DH and pity the poor souls who have nothing better to do than lie about you because they can't face the sorry truth about their own behaviour.

Ok, thanks I understand now about the go-karting, and sorry I know you dont want advice on that but I have to say that going by your last post I think dh is totally out of order doing something that takes up all his free days - when do you get time to yourself fgs? and when do you manage to do things as a family?!

The issue was only ever between you and dh, bil chose to involve himself. Just think of it as his issue not yours. I f it were me I think I'd feel I could move on only if dh respected my feelings over the email thing and made clear to bil and sil that he was not happy about it. I rally think it comes down to how supported dh makes you feel over it. If he backs you then sod bil - as someone else said you dont need to like each other, just remain civil and know that he behaved like a twat.

oh, and snowtiger gives good advice.

Caresmildly

do you feel like you're closer to a resolution yet?

Thanks for replies - the go-karting element of it always takes over because it's so damn strange. I think I expressed myself badly originally.

I think I just needed to let off steam and say things. I wanted to say:

• Why would BIL be so horrible - his day was upset at the most and he does that?

• I'm glad people like DH so much but I wish they'd respect our marriage and how we choose to live it.

• I wish DH had been outraged on my behalf. I wish he'd reacted strongly and stood up for me.

• I wish I didn't feel alone.

• I wish I could make DH understand how I feel.

I just wanted to say those things, no response expected, but thanks to all who have listened to me.

I think you are absolutely right to want those things, absolutely and you deserve them too.
I hope things work out for you.

agreed.

I think your BIL is an arse, rude, inconsiderate and highly idiotic.

If he hadn't told you he didn't want you to do the newsletter, I'd have told you to tell him to shove it up his arse.

Can DH change jobs by any small miracle? cos personally I'd not speak to BIL again after an email like that, until he apologises. But I'm an ex depressive, and not one that lets go of grudges at all well...

I think BIL is one of those people who don't understand, nor know how to deal with depression... and he's belittling you as a result of this.

On some point, I think you DO have a right to want BIL to apologise to you for his rudeness, and not to want it all smoothed over. Perhaps you are being advised to let it drop just cos it's easier for everyone (you included) in the long run.

That it may be, under normal circumstances, but when you are struggling with mood issues and PND, nothing is that straightforward.

I have no idea what to say to you to help you out of this mess. I kind of do feel that there needed to be a little more concern for your feelings, and what you are going through at the moment, for DH to be a little more responsible for sharing child care and being there for you.

What to do, how to do it? not sure, but explain again and again how it is not appropriate, under any circumstances for DH to agree things with you and then just ignore his agreement and ditch his responsibilities.

That said, if you do agree to something with him and he IS sticking to his end of the bargain, then I'm sorry, but you have to go along with it, not interrupt what he has agreed to, and agreed in advance with you.

Again, tell him what you need from him, cooly, calmly and without getting emotional or upset or hysterical female... That'll only damage your cause.

Make agreements, BUT if he breaks them, wait till he gets back and then read the riot act, privately. Don't humiliate HIM before BIL and SIL, cos then he'll not be standing up for you in future.

I remember your previous posts and I wasn't as sympatheic before, and I'm sorry. This is a situation that is much worse than it appeared to be then, and one that is naturally bothering you and affecting you greatly.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, i really hope you sort this out.