Knob of a husband - what would you do?

[magpumpkin]

My H has been caught sending text messages & making calls to another woman. It's a substancial amount during a small period of time, nearly always when I am out of the house. I believe him when he says that nothing has happened with her and that she is just a friend who is a woman who he talks too. But he kept her a secret and did it purposley behind my back. He is trying to get me to forgive him and I am not ready to deal with it at the moment. I have been here before with him years ago and now he does it again. I know he loves the attention but this attention could always lead to more. I don't think he realsies how hurt and upset I am.Your wise MN thoughts would be appreicated.

Sounds like you've nipped it in the bud. Does this woman live locally?

This is never harmless Mag - don't let him pretend otherwise. Do you know what the text messages are saying? How did you find out?

You both need to be honest about why this keeps happening. UNless he is prepared to be honest and do something about i then I don't see how it can be prevented again.

sigh. Order and make him read Shirley Glass's "Not 'just friends'". Because he is downplaying the fact that he has been caught out having an affair, whether or not he put his penis in her. The fact he concealed it / waited for you to be out before calling etc shows he knows it was wrong.

It's unfair to you, and I would make clear he will not have another chance. it upset you the first time so if he gives even the tiniest bugger about your feelings then I fail to see why he would do that again. Like training a dog, let him get away with it without dealing with it and making clear where he stands and he will keep on doing it.

I found out only because it was a compnay phone and he has been disciplined at work. He had no choice in showing me the bill.He promises me that that the messgages were just "hi how are you, what are you up to at the weekend - we are kid free etc etc"but there are so many messages, over 50 in 4 hours when I was out. At the moment I am i shock and don't want to do anything drastic. It's laughable really seing as we have been through this before, but should I let it ruin my marriage? I really don't believe anything physical has happended but as i said to him last time (7 yrs ago)it could easily lead to something else. Not only that I will never find out what was in the text messages it could be harmless but it could be text sex etc.

Kick his arse!!!!

hello Magpumpkin,
I could have written you're op word for word.
I found out yesterday that dh has been exchanging inappropriate sexual messages with a girl from work (she's based in America though) and that he has also received suggestive letters from our former tenant (the way the letters were written was clear that he must have led her to believe it was ok to write him these letters).
I am sure that nothing physical has happened, however as far as I'm concerned it still counts as cheating. What's more hurtful is that this happened a couple of years ago with a different girl.
His "excuse" is that he "hasn't been happy"....basically the day to day strains and stresses of married life, bills to pay etc AND I'm 33 weeks pregnant with dc2. Nothing that we don't all go through at one time or another.
I'm a firm believer in sticking with marriage (and God fearing) but yesterday I told him not to come back home. He's been so focussed on being unhappy, that last night I told him that I've done my best. I put all my energy and love into creatiing a happy home for him and dc and I have nothing more to offer...so I don't see any point in carrying on.
Also, I can't trust him and will not allow myself to be in a position where I'm wondering where he is, what he's doing, wondering about his emails and texts. It's not healthy and it's horrible to have that feeling of insecurity.
He's begged me to give things a chance (been together 15 years, married 7). etc. But as it's not the first time this has happened....I'm not inclined to let him get off lightly. I'll see how things go over the next few weeks.

AND
Breathe.
I can completely understand your shock and disappointment. And agree that drastic action is not always best. I just think that you need to make him understand that this is TOTALLY unacceptable.

Sorry for major hijack...just been sitting here on my own feeling very low about things. And sorry I haven't been able to offer much advice.

I hope some wise ones will be along soon to dispense of their wisdom.

With the best will on the world, there is no way that 50 texts between your DH and another woman in 4 hours while you are out could possibly be harmless.

What, he asked her 50 times how she was doing?

Bullshit. They were flirting at least, possibly talking about sex etc.

Don't know how to offer help - he sounds like he's really blown it this time. At least you have a right to the truth and him saying it was harmless is insulting to your intelligence.

Get the full facts.

Harmless? Does he think you are a total idiot, because that is how he is treating you by expecting you to swallow that. Jesus. I bet all the texts have been mysteriously deleted as well. get yourself a SIM card reader and get to work - it will only give you the last 20 but that is better than wasting the rest of your life on this utter cockmuncher.

Whifflegarden - I'm so sorry. But the fact he has done this again and again, and is carrying on with it while you are pregnant and vulnerable is unforgiveable. Does he need psychological help? Because he obviously gets off on doing it over and over. The explanation is all about his wants and needs, nothing about how he has let you down when you need him most. He probably thinks faith= constant forgiveness so well done for booting him, at least temporarily

Thanks Abedelia.

Mag, I hope you're doing alright and have been able to find a way of dealing with your situation. Come back and tell us how you get on.

shite.

he is having an affair with her. No doubt,

What you decide to do about it is only up to you.

I am so sorry, really.

bastard wanker.

The amount of stress nad worry, re the disciplinary action at work, leading to you finding out the reason - he claimed the calls were to be a friend to his mate going through marriage break up. How ironic.