is sex about every 6 months normal?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

For years, I have gently explained to DH that if we had sex more often I'd enjoy it more.
But for years, it's been 6 months or more between sessions. i was absolutely amazed when i got pregnant - first try both times.

I've explained euphemistically that "my muscles forget what to do" if it's more than about a week or two between sessions. I feel like a stuck record on this - I've been explaining it for years.

If I initiate things it mostly doesn't go anywhere. If DH initiates things I try very hard to make sure it goes well. Mostly it doesn't - it hurts, I'm not turned on at all, and I just want him to hurry up (though I do try to make the experience positive for him at least - he can tell I'm not really into it). I then try to initiate it a few days later. Nothing happens.

We are busy, we work, exercise, have 2 small DSs. But there is ample time in the evenings after the boys have gone to bed. It never gets used for anything except work.

I've tried asking if he understands why I want to do it more frequently, and if he feels ok with trying to do it a bit more often. He always says he does, but then refuses when it comes down to it.

I don't want to turn sex into a battle ground, but it could be so easy for us both to enjoy it - whereas really neither of us enjoys it at the moment, on the rare occasions it happens...

I have to say, I am amazed at the amount of women who want more sex and their DH/DP don't. Wonder if there's any substance to the speculation that men are becoming feminised.

Anyway, I am one of those women. Have tried various tactics over the years: sexy underwear, romantic weekends away, ignoring him completely, down to downright begging. Nothing.

We're now in separate rooms. Getting on fine as mum and dad, but I can't see this going on forever. I'm also seeing someone, mostly just for sex because I saw my life slipping away from me and sex is too important to me.

6 months is okay if you're both okay with it. But you're unhappy and it's going to turn into a battleground. As you can see, I have no advice, but try and tackle it before you get to where I am. I have tried so hard, I don't even fancy DH anymore. In fact, if he came near me I would cringe.

A boring but worthwhile suggestion: try and go away for a weekend without kids. Lots of wine/fireplaces,laughs, etc. It might just kickstart things. GL!

I am all for being faithful to your husband/partner. I believe in it 100%. BUT, in your situation, I would have to question whether it is reasonable for one of a partnership to effectively hold all the cards as far as frequency of sex is concerned. I would be telling him that if he didn't make a serious effort to sort this problem out, and it is a problem, then you would be considering finding someone just for sex. If he is not agreeable to that, then unless he is willing to make a real effort to be more active, then maybe you would have to consider how much you want to be in this relationship. If six monthly isn't enough for you, then between you, you will have to find a compromise. And I don't mean that he sticks to his six monthly efforts and you reluctantly accept it because you love him and don't want to break up the family. Compromise means that maybe you each settle for a situation that is not exactly your ideal, eg: you agree to monthly or two monthly sex, possibly still not what you want, but clearly more than he wants at the moment. You might also find that if you are doing it more, you both want to do it more.

Good luck.

Hmm, having a booty call friend doesn't get to the core of it though: the OP wants more sex with her husband, and all the intimacy and enjoyment that goes with that. You do need to make it clear this is a big deal for you though, and make the GP your first port of call, to check his hormone levels etc and general health.

BOF, I do absolutely agree with you, but if he is not willing to deal with this, and she has already said it has been going on for years, then what is she to do? Women have urges and needs just as much ( and in this case more than) as men do. It is not reasonable for him to be the one holding all the cards in this situation.

Have you tried a vibrator?

Does he have erectile problems or has he lost his erection during sex in the past? If 'nothing happens' when you initiate sex it could be that he is afraid of failure and so is actively avoiding getting aroused in case he can't perform. The fact that he agrees to more frequent attemps but does not follow through suggests that this is a problem he is avoiding discussing the true reasons for. You also don't mention whether you enjoy any intimacy outside of intercourse- is he affectionate in other ways or is he avoiding all intimacy?
If he won't go to the GP or a counsellor with you, pin him down to a time and a place to discuss the problem openly and make it clear this is not optional. If possible meet away from home where you won't be disturbed by kids or tempted to abandon the discussion and go and do other things. When you get his atttention don't do the talking. Be prepared for silences but be determined that he tells you why he doesn't want sex. You are giving him get out clauses by the dozen and have taken this on as your problem when it is really his. I know this is counter to all your instincts but on these rare occasions why make it good for him? You have needs and he is ignoring them. He stands to lose your love and respect if he carries on like this so tell him and mean it!
Good Luck

In answer to your post, it's not normal and it's not fair. I'm sure SGB might be along in a minute to point out that withholding sex is a deal-breaker and that no-one who breaks that deal should be concerned when their partner looks elsewhere....

I'd always agree with that, up to a point. The sticking point I have in these situations is that I suspect major dishonesty and deception is going on in these fuck-buddy situations and that the spouses know nothing about it. Breaking the deal of fidelity seems to me a case of two wrongs not making a right, especially if it is being conducted deceitfully. If on the other hand the partners know about this and give it their blessing, it's a different matter.

Secondly, this doesn't solve the problem. As BOF says, the OP wants to solve this with her partner. Sometimes it helps to have a third party involved in these situations and if years of previous efforts have failed, I suspect it's time to try something different, such as counselling.

Ultimately, no-one should be expected to live in a marriage without intimacy and sex if it's important to them (and it absolutely is to me). But if I'd tried everything (including counselling) and it still didn't work, I'd call time on the marriage and free myself to meet someone else. What I would never do in a million years is deceive my partner and get my kicks elsewhere.

Well, with exH it was probably once a month and not always, TBH that was an unavoidable sign that we had grown very far apart. Until recently, when he has turned into a proper psycho, I always said that he turned into my little brother years before the split, someone to care for and protect but definitively not someone I could fancy.

I think the trick here is not about "sexiness" but about developing intimacy, taking time to be with each other without distractions. That could turn the things around.

thanks for the replies.

We are fairly intimate in other ways - lots of hugs and kisses, silly names, in-jokes etc. Also, he is quite capable of getting aroused, but for some reason prefers to use self-control and get over it. His previous girlfriend (some years before we met) left because of the same problem.

I'd be perfectly ok with every 6 months except that I can't actually enjoy the physical aspect at all unless I do it about once a week or more.

I feel loved and (relatively) happy and so on - i know that sexual problems are often manifestations of emotional problems, but i think the issue is here that I can't force the muscles to relax, can't force the enjoyment to happen - and don't enjoy the inevitable microbiological aftermath as two different populations of bacteria and fungi meet...

I suppose the only thing to do really is just get a vibrator and get on with it.

Look, stop blaming yourself - getting aroused then using self control to 'get over it'? This man would seem to have some very complex sexual problems, if you ask me. I think it is time you sought professional advice -you need to make it clear that you will be going the way of the last girlfriend unless he consents as it is making you unhappy. No wonder you can't 'perform' on his demand, after 6 months there will be a lot of pressure on you to make it perfect so no wonder your body clams up. I bet it is afraid of enjoying it and then wanting more that won't be forthcoming for another half-year! Can you suggest that if he finds actual sex dirty / worng/ whatever that stops him following his arousal through, you could both do other things without penetration ?

Oh - and don't think you will be forcing him to do something awful. In the long run he needs to sort this out so you will be doing him a massive favour.

I agree with abedelia, sounds like he has some deep seated issues surrounding sex.

Once very six months? God I'd be climbing the walls in frustration, vibrators are fine for a quick fix but no solution to that feeling of utter lust that you get for your partner, I couldn't live without feeling wanted in that most basic, primal way.