Need advice - should I stay or should I go?

[nanog]

I'm in desperate need of some advice and I haven't been able to focus on anything today but the texts that DH keeps sending me.

Some of you will recall my thread when I caught DH lying, visiting massage parlours (which he still denies!) sex chat etc.

This was the second time I caught him out and decided enough was enough. I came very close to leaving him in the summer when I found out, but then he started to threaten me with doing something stupid to himself and the kids. This really scared me, so I reassured him loads (I know now that this was a really stupid thing to do) that we could work this out and move on.

Except, I can't. I have tried really hard to put this behind me, but I simply don't trust him. things have now come to a head, where I've been explaining my feeling over the last couple of days. At first, DH was not listening. He thought I was going through a moaning phase and it would stop. I know now and truly believe and can honestly say that my marriage is dead. We don't talk. We only communicate our feelings via txt. I can't get intimate with him. I feel repulsed and angry by what he has done. Yet, I feel sorry for him. He knows he screwed up and will openly admit he is at fault.

I have finally got through to DH today and said that I want to move out with the DC. He tx back to say he is crying, knowing that I don't want to be with him anymore and he would rather 'disappear' than face people, his family, friends. I have tried to be really sensible in my approach by showing support and compassion and saying we can work through this, but he has got to get real. Ending his life is not the answer, but at the moment, that is all he keeps thinking about.

And again, I'm questioning my decision. I know it would be outragoues to continue living with DH out of guilt and pity, but I am worried by what he might do. He has just sent me another txt asking if there is anything he could do to put things right. He's asking me to be honest.

I know what I want to say, but I'm worried he may harm himself.

I would appreciate any advice or other mumsnetters willing to share any similar experiences.

Oh, and here is the link to the 'DH is at it again' thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/769298-I-think-this-is-the-end-of-the-road-DH

You know he is playing on your emotions. so sorry you are going thru this. My ex got caught for child porn and acted in exactly the same way. Said he couldnt face anyone, would rather die because of what he'd done. I felt so sorry for him. then woke up one day and decided i couldnt take any more and asked him to leave. He did and hes still around over 12 months later. You are not responsible for his life only your own and your childrens. Do what is right for you and he will be fine, you;ll see.

I meant to say, I went through every emotion there is possible to go through and tortured myself for months over what he had done. i just couldnt get past it, wasnt prepared to live a lie. Its very hard to do, but you will be ok and so will he.

Oh humblemum, that is such an inspiring post. Like you, I'm not prepared to a live a lie either. I want my to be lived, not just drift by with a man I don't trust. I do care about him and wouldn't wish him any harm. But you are right when you say I cannot be responsible for his actions.

you need to trust in yourself, get selfish, cos no-one else will look after you, like you can. think of your DC and sort your life out without him. You wont ever trust him again if you are anything like I was. I tried, but even if he went to tescos i was wondering why he had gone so long. Picking at everything he said, reading into everythng. It was just too hard work to carry on. your life is worth more than this. I was 47 when this all happened to me, it was my second marriage and I thought this was it, i was going to be happy for the rest of my days, but it turned out very differently in a very short space of time. i have started divorce proceedings and by the time i get the absolute it will be just 4 years from when i first met him! I~m 50 next week and not exactly happy to be alone, but god knows its better than living like I was. Sorry about the typing, im at home with a head cold today and feeling like s**t, and of course very sorry for myself!!

I remember your threads nanog.

I am not surprised by your post today.

I really think you should leave him (in fact, you should have done a long time ago, and meant it, but hey-ho, we are here now)

Ignore his threats to harm himself. That is his choice. Not that I think he will, but even if he does he is responsible for his own actions.

This is emotional blackmail of the highest order. If you continue to pander to it, you will be trapped with this inadequate man for the rest of your life.

Set yourself free. You only get one life, don't blight any more of it by feeling sorry for this tosser.

Hi AF. I'm trying really hard. I'd have to move cities, which means taking the DC out of school. I'm worried about the impact of my decision on them too. DS1 is now in Yr5 and DS2 is in Yr 1. DH just sent a text saying 'leave me alone'. I'm sitting here with a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

well, you know what nanog

moving your kids now is pereferable to putting up with this for another year or two

then realising you really cannot go on

then facing the fact you will have to move them when one of them will potentially be in high school

I moved my kids when they were in yr 4 and reception

in retrospect, I am really glad I didn't leave it until later

they are still young enough to adapt and will start together at a new school

primary schools make a huge effort with new kids, secondary schools do not (IME)

I suggest you turn off your phone, love

he is messing your head up

TBH it is highly unlikely that he will kill himself (though possible that he will take about 2 vitamins and claim its an overdose). Selfish fuckups like him are rarely obliging enough to just die and get out of your hair.
However, when you've got rid of him, it might be as well to insist on supervised contact if he does start to act up, because it's possible he'sone of those nasty fuckers who might try and harm the DC to get back at you. So check out your legal position, housing and finances etc and get packing. Best of luck. DOn't waste any more time in this whiny bellend.

I love your summary sgb. Incidentally, do you agree with me wrt the school thing ?

oh fuck, have outed myself already, ignore any other posts in this name

must not namechange*

sorry, nanog, as you were

sgb gives good advice, she is spot on in "spotting" the complete tossers

Thanks. This is all solid good advice. He has just sent me a text to accept the marriage is finished. I'm sure there is a long way to go and the emotional blackmail will continue, so I'm by no means disillusioned. I think he is actually getting ready to now hurt me in other ways, finaniacially etc.

As I said before, I would have to move to a completely new area. A place where I can commute to work easily is a place where I don't know anyone. While it is a lovely place with good schools, the thought of moving somewhere new terrifies me. This really is about starting a new life on my own with the DC, but I just don't know where to begin! What do I need to think about? Will schools accept children at any time of the year or should I wait until after the new year?

I can't quite believe this is now actually happening. Big, deep breaths. I'm going to need a lot of support. DH's family will disown me. I have no family support of my own - both my parents died while I was quite young and my friends, well they have their own families. It really is just going to be me with the DC on our own...

schools will accept any time of year, you can set the ball in motion

there are some other threads around where the posters have left a partner and are striking out on their own (will link in a minute)

they are chock-full of fantastic advice (I don't have practical experience, other than the school thing, sorry)

all of the narcissistic threads and emotional abuse ones will probably strike a chord too

bump this thread later for the after-work crowd, I am sure may people will remember you and empathise

here

and here

Thanks steal. I will read these threads later on tonight.

DH has just come home and attempted to give me a kiss and a hug and he smiled! What a manipulative b!! After what he has put me through this afternoon with his suicidal texts, I'm now SO angry!

... and thus he reveals his true nature. What a manipulative shit. I bet he is more worried that if he has to admit you have left, people will ask why and his (very) dirty secrets will come out.

hang on to the anger

I agree with abe, he is more worried about explaining why you have left (not that he will tell the truth of course...)

he will make up some shit to discredit you, that is for sure. You have to develop a very thick skin and learn to not give a shit what he thinks

and get used to the emotional manipulation

he will step it up, now !

Leave him. I had to change countries whem I realised the man I was with was a hopeless case (and worse, but that's another thread). It can be done. It even helps you move on I think. It shows you that there's another life to be had iykwim. Don't be afriad of moving cities. Certainly, do not be more afraid of moving cities than you are of wasting your life with this man.

Ignore the threats and get out of there! You are worth more. Look after your children and forget him he is manipulating you.

Call Women's Aid, love. They will be able to give you all the practical advise you need. DOn't feel guilty about ringing them or tell yourself that you don't 'deserve' their help as your tosspot soon-to-beXP hasn't actually hit you yet, he is abusive.

And a complete wanker.

BEst of luck.

Absolutely, Solid - what's more abusive than trying to make you dedicate the rest of your life to a man who treats you like crap, puts your health at risk and has no respect for what you want from a relationship? He's a manipulative attention seeker. Ditch the millstone!

SSW - those posts were fab just for me too feel less anxious about moving into the unknown. DH is bombarding me with txts asking us to move on and make a fresh start. except i can't see anything changing, so why should I waste my life on him.

I have to admit moving the kids out of school and into a new area absoluetly terrifies me. The kids don't have any idea of what is going on between us and I worry that taking them away will knock their confidence esp. at school. Because the last 11 years of my life has been made up of routine and familiarity, I don't have the self belief to think I have the inner strength and resources need to adapt to overcome what is going to be a really tough 6 months ahead.

I need help, legal advice, housing etc. Where do i start?????

nanog...go and put your questions, starting with one at a time on the threads I linked to

you are going to crumble lovey, because your head is going to explode (not literally...)

better still, ring WA and get some practical, RL advice

they are trained to deal with people whose heads are in bits and will not think you are loopy because you are not thinking straight at the moment