Dumped. Chapter five.

[Cheryllou]

Hi,

Some of you may have read my post before, but here's a quick summary:

• Partner of 18 years and husband of 7 left me last March when our youngest baby was just one. He was starting on an affair with someone he works with and said there was nothing but friendship between us.
• Since that time he has changed his mind FIVE times, and the routine goes like this - just as I am starting to get stronger he comes in sobbing and saying he has realised he hasn't given it enough of a go, and that he loves me and wants to make it work. Because I do have very stroang feeling for him and much sense of nuclear family is so strong, I have alway taken him back (although he has never moved home).
• In September he left again, saying he had started seeing the woman from work again, leaving me feeling stupid and devastated. I got to the point of seeing a divorce lawyer about a month ago, when he came back again, saying he wants to make it work. I told him to go away and see a councellor to make sure he 100% knows what he wants before I'd consider even talking to him. However, because my life is so miserable, especially at weekends when he has them one day, I started to let him back in a bit - dinner, family days out - and I gradually started trusting him. Things seemed to be going quite well, then on Sunday he dumped me again, saying 'it' wasn't working (he has only ever given 'it' for a matter of a few weeks at a time before the guilt gets to him).
• I know what I have to now, but would love to hear some positive stories from anyone who has been in a similar position. I particularly want to hear how to pick myself up, how to deal with my children (4 and 2) who are of course devastated, how to deal with him in a non aggressive but stronger way (not letting him in the house isn't an option as kids too small to be out in evenings). I need to keep him on side while the money is sorted out. also, how much access is reasonable, and finally, how do you meet someone else??? Lots of questions...

Not really sure what to say, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Your DH is clearly an arse of the highest magnitude, and I'm sorry you are going through all this mental turmoil.

My instincts tell me to suggest that you put up some barriers, make a total break from him. Can your Mum sit with the DC while he sees them for a week or so?

He's just playing you over and over again, and this is torture. you don't deserve it at all.

Don't worry about meeting other men, you need to exorcise this demon from your life before you try to replace him. You'll probably only meet the wrong kind, with the frame of mind you are in at the mo. I understand why you feel like that tho, it's totally understandable.

You need to tell him once and for all that he doesn't get to treat you like this, that you are not his puppet, and that he has to leave you alone, to heal, to get over what he has done.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Right - stop letting him come back and start being a lot kinder to yourself, for a start. You do not need this man because he is a spineless worm who has no regard for the amount of pain he is putting you and the children through. They must be very, very confused and upset by his vacillating? The best you can do fr them is to stick to something.

Even if he did come back for good, chances are you would go through hell trying to forgive, or at least understand, why he has behaved like this and how he could do it to you again and again.

Sort out access with your solicitor where you don't have to be with him - seeing your ex is exceptionally hard, especially in a family setting as you mourn what you have lost more. Also - make the most of the day when they are with him - find something to do that is sociable and which is just for you to build your confidence. The more ypu get out there the more potential new and better partners yu will meet. Why is he there in the evening, by the way; he needs a place where he can take them on his own, not your home.

Don't worry about keeping him onside regarding money, ask your solicitor about your position which I imagine is very strong as he has abandoned you. That's his problem and he'll have to give you support whether he goes through mediation or just does the decent thing and gives it to you anyway rather than abandoning you financially as well and having to be forced to pay up.

PS If he does come back, (again) and you feel he has finally made a choice he will stick with tell him he has to hand in notice at work IMMEDIATELY and you should even consider moving home to get well away from OW.