Depression and chest pains over relationship

[lorrycat]

DP and i have recently moved back in together after a 5 month split. We have a beautiful DS (16mo) and both love him dearly.

However...the issues that led us to breaking up in the first place are plaguing us once again. DP accepted responsibility for our breakup before and I have a heartfelt letter to that effect. This time round, whilst i'm happy to agree that i am not easy to live with, even though the same issues are arising, he is digging his heels and not accepting his share of the responsibility this time.

It has become a real game of tit-for-tat, blaming one another and has become really frustrating and emotionally draining. I did suggest last week that we go out for a quiet meal to discuss things, so avoid the temptation for us to get carried away and things get overheat - i was trying to work around the fact that i can quickly get to a point of shouting if I get upset about something. This actually did work until the waitress placed a very lovey-dovey couple at a table about 2 foot from us - conversation killer there lol.

Basically i'm not getting what i need from this relationship. We have totally lost our spark, communication is minimal and often strained, it seems impossible to get him to help around the house at time (we agreed he would do dishes every night after dinner but this agreement isn't being held up), we have NO sex life (despite attempts from me) and i feel like he is emotionally absent most of the time. There is no affection, no kissing, cuddling, quality time etc etc. I try to make nice meals, light candles, suggest going out to dinner, suggest some time to himself even with this friends. But I feel like we are just 2 people who are living in the same house, nothing more (except getting on each other's nerves a lot of the time).

I dont know what is keeping me here. If a friend of mine told me this was the kind of relationship she was in, i would tell her that it has run its course and to move on. Trouble is, we are together 8 years and it just doesn't seem as simple as that.

I have been treated for depression and anxiety as a result of all of this. I am still on medication and can feel myself slipping back down the road to a bad place again. I don't know what to do.

Do not slip into the same old routine of blame hun....these things happen, theres 2 in a relationship..

I was in a very similar situation this time last year, my dh joined the navy, we have 2 dc and have been together since we were 17, thing is the months we had apart, we learnt so much more about ourselves, and it just couldnt go on, i love him dearly as someone close to me but not as a lover or husband, but i dont trust or respect him....

I would suggest you seek some outside support to talk things through, on your own to start with, depression is a tricky one, i've been off my tablets now for 4 months, after 5 years, since we split it's like a big window has opened ya know...

Take stock, get away, work out what YOU want..

Hope you feel better soon.x

Thanks Stephie. My company has a contract with a counselling agency for staff and we are entitled to a certain amount of support for free. So i contacted them this afternoon and will get a counsellor assigned to me within 3 days.

I'm glad for you that you can look at your split for your dh as a 'window'. i'm sure its a relief to be of tablets and coping without them. I don't like being on them at all, but i know i need some sort of crutch at the moment, so i'm prepared to listen to my doctor for the time being.

So i feel a little better this afternoon. Although i'm dreading going home this evening. DP asked if we could go out this evening but i don't even know if i have the energy to take part in that kind of conversation tonight.

Do stuff for you, I know it may seem asthough you need a crutch, but i really found letting my emotion flow really helped, were all different though. I'm really glad you sought some support that are not friends or family, they can sometimes cloud your judgement of situations.

Yeah the window thing, opening it was the hardest part, but letting go felt so damn good!!

Look after yourself hunny..x

For what it's worth I do think that these types of situation can lead to a lot of depression and anxiety and that when you're in this situation it can be hard to see a way out.

In my case, as soon as I split with my XH all symptoms went away and my home became a happy home once more. If I had my time again I would have made the move earlier.