Please help

[FredFlintstone]

I feel so sad. DH and I had a huge argument at the weekend. We had a similar thing before and he said he wasn't happy, we started making more of an effort with each other and things were really good for a while. But he now says he's still not happy sometimes with his life (so me and DS - great) and that he has no friends, which is partly because of me apparently. Also he wishes I was more easy going.

He now says it will be ok and he will try and arrange some things for him to do, like getting together more often with his brother, and playing tennis. But I'm thinking, what about me? We don't get much couple time either because he's always working and I thought that would be the first thing we'd focus on.

I moved hundreds of miles to be with him, I used to play tennis too and was good but now I don't get the chance because we have DS.

He often does or says little things that hurt me and I can't help feeling hurt by them, for example he said he didn't want to go and see my family this weekend although we live far away from them and we see his family all the time, I guess that's what he means by me being more easy going but what am I supposed to do when things upset me, pretend they haven't?

Everything seems to be about HIS needs and I don't feel he's considering mine. I am also gutted that he isn't happy with us any more and he doesn't show me much love. When I am with my mum and my brother their kind concern for me makes me want to cry because I want DH to care about me like they do, he just doesn't seem to any more. I am fed up with feeling so insecure. I really don't want him to leave but I don't want to be unhappy. If I leave I've got nowhere to go, apart from back to my family and I can't take DS away from him. He still has a career and everything. I ahve suggested counselling but he says we can't afford it, yet he wants to buy an I-phone. I feel so mixed up and hurt. what can I do?

I wish I knew what to say to make everything okay.

Is how he is now a deal breaker or are you going to hang in there and hope he just decides to be the husband and man he should be?

Children don't always suffer if they don't live with Daddy full time.

thank you for your reply. I don't know tbh. I want to stay with him and I want to be a family. He's not awful to me or anything and he's a good dad, so is it best that I just accept how he is and carry on, though I wish he could be more loving and caring towards me? I think leaving I'd be more unhappy, and I've nowhere to go! But I don't know.

Send him a lovely card in the post. If he fails to be moved by that you will have to tell him how his behaviour is making you feel.

Have you told him how you feel?

You have my sympathy. I know how it feels to be a wife who has moved 100 of miles away from her family to be with DH and on the other hand I also know how it feels to be a wife who has a DH who has moved 1000?s of miles away from his family. I know how hard it is to be away from your family and friends, how difficult it can be for women (especially with LO?s) to make new and meaningful friendships and how needy that can make you which is crippling for self esteem. On the other hand, it is even harder to be the one who is needed that much and that is a lot of pressure, especially if you feel you are not living up to the responsibility and the other person seems unhappy and unsettled and missing home. So I have quite a lot of sympathy for your husband too.

You say that you want to stay with DH which is fine if that is really what you want and not just inertia/fear of being alone. But "no" - it is absolutely not best that you just accept that this is the way things are/how he is. Quite apart from the fact that this will make you miserable, it will hardly make you more easy going or sociable and that will ultimately make him unhappier, treat you worse etc etc etc. If you want to stay you need to make it work for both of you because if you don't, in the long run it wont work for either of you.

A relationship can?t always be about ?we? and imho two individuals with their own interests and personalities come together into a much better relationship than those who are reliant on that relationship for everything. Perhaps he just is feeling the pressure and responsibility at the moment and needs some time out with his brother. No matter how hard he works, I think he is entitled to that. There is always more time than people think there is. The necessity is for both you and he to then ensure that the time that you then spend together ?counts? and is something meaningful and hopefully fun to you both.

I would say let him have the time that he needs, let him know that you understand that, tell him that you need that too and also that given that you will both be taking a little time to do things on your own you feel that you should then both focus a little effort into doing something nice together every so often too. That will sound (and actually be) much more reasonable.

I think that for both his sake and yours you need to get out and do something yourself too so that you do not feel that all your emotional support comes from 100's of miles away. Join a club, a class, a gym a wine tasting class ? lots of new ones will be starting up in the New Year if it is too difficult to do that right now. You need to find a way to remind him that he wants to be with you ? not to feel that he is being forced to be with you and then it will hopefully become what you want it to be.

thank you for the long reply. I am heading out now as DS is awake but will reply more to this later.

I'm in a similar position in that my husbands family dominate (even though they live abroad and mine don't). It's hard when you feel it's all about dh and dc's needs.

Does DH understand this though???

If you're not getting the support you need in the relationship you need to get it from somewhere - do you ever get out on your own get the space to pursue your own interests?

thanks for the replies. I understand that he might find it hard too, and I would like to do my own thing sometimes but DS is a mummy's boy and I can't leave him for long. Also I have met some lovely friends who are also mothers since having DS, but they are all happily married and have their own stuff on in the evenings, so though I see them in the day I am not sure we could arrange something regular without the children.
I would like to get back into playing tennis, so maybe that's an option.
I worry that he does feel forced, and I don't want that but I really do worry about what on earth I would do if we split up.