Hi
I'm looking for some help or maybe to 'get some stuff out'. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and am having a really hard time with my partner.
We've been together for 13 years and have an 8 year old son but have had a relationship which is 'rocky' on many levels for a long time - elements of it from the beginning. Since getting pregnant (unplanned but not unwanted) things have been really rough. I just feel emotional all the time and find it very hard to calm myself down and his defensiveness and 'playing the victim' - a big bone of contention in our relationship at the best of times - has moved up notches
Following an enormous row this morning which culminated in me hitting him and him reciprocating I asked him to leave (or rather pushed him out while he tried to resist and even to bring our son into it) and I took our son out. Sat in the cinema trying to think things over and managing to drift off to sleep a few times over Fantastic Mr Fox (I'm permanently exhausted but not sleeping well). Over the day we had various conversations - often quite abusive, culminating in me asking him to stay away and him wanting to 'be there and look after us' - too little too late really seeing as this is a replica of what happened last weekend and on various other occasions since I've been pregnant (the pattern has been going on for years but I have a total absence of emotional brakes at the moment).
I really, really feel lonely - I don't have any contact with my family (a situation that initially came about through my partner and, even though I logically know he was 'right' it's another irrational bone of contention at the moment) and don't feel as though I have any friends; even though I'm 'popular' it is mostly because I'm really good at listening (it's my job so I'm well trained) and being supportive to other people and, on the occasions when I've tried to turn the conversation to problems that I've been having, then it's been very awkward and hasn't gone anywhere so I now really find it impossible to ask people for help. For instance, when I was coming back home yesterday afternoon I saw my neighbour (who is also a friend) but didn't get out of the car until she'd gone because I knew I might well start crying when we spoke and I didn't want to put her in an difficult position (or my son, for that matter). I'd also just got off the phone to my partner because, despite me asking him to stay away, my son had seen him go past on his bike and was asking questions and I really just wanted some time without anymore emotional arousal so I could calm down.
A couple of hours later I phoned him, feeling I was calm enough by then to talk about him coming round to see our son before bed. He was sitting in the neighbour's kitchen and had been for the last couple of hours - apparently, she'd taken her dog out and seen him hanging around (I'd asked him not to but to make alternative arrangements and not ask me to worry about what those were to be).
I can't be responsible for him at the moment and just feel enormously upset. I know I'm finding it virtually impossible to be rational at the moment (hence asking him to stay away) and know that he can't deal with this or just provide me with the consistency of the calm, boring stuff I need at the moment.
So, anyway, after putting my son to bed (he misses his daddy but I can't expose him to any more of this), I ignored a text from the partner saying, in the absence of me telling him what to do, he was staying next door and I went to bed. I was awake after a few hours and lay there just really upset. It's ridiculous: I needed space to calm down and get a perspective with him out of my space yet he's actually the other side of the wall, having bought our neighbours into our situation and complicated it even more. Were I not feeling so emotional and desperate I'm sure I'd find it funny.
I started this as a 'rant' last night and wasn't going to send it but I'm sitting here at 4am feeling totally alone and trapped by my situation and contemplating whether I should be having another child and hating myself for even thinking that but I'm too tired to think straight. I'm also finding it hard to eat so my blood sugars are all over the place (which isn't going to help the emotionality). I just have things whirring about in my head, including lots of things from the past. Hopefully this will help get them out somewhat but I feel stupid and self indulgent even writing this. I know that I've been conditioned by my up-bringing to believe that I'm a total pain and a drain (youngest of 4, both parents constantly said they'd had too many kids) and, even thought I logically know this isn't true it's been carried on into adulthood (during my last pregnancy my emailing of my scan picture was construed as total selfishness by my parents because my brother was going through a hard time [we'd got a loan out to lend him money and he'd made up a load of lies about how it wasn't a loan but an investment in order to justify not paying it back - my parents have always blocked me wanting to talk about it because they 'know the truth', despite my brother being through, and losing, numerous court cases since then to other people he's done similar things to].
I was determined that should I ever have another baby then I'd really focus on me and the baby and being calm to avoid the stress of last time but here I find myself in a totally stressed, incoherent mess. I know that should I be able to sleep properly then that would help - hopefully 'getting this out' can help me get a couple of hours before having to be up for school etc. I've never posted anything like this before - I suppose I'm after getting things off my chest, some support and not feeling so alone . . . any contact or feedback would be a help.
Thanks for listening