Should I take DD and leave? A bit long sorry

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

Not really sure where to start but here goes. H has been ill for the last 6 weeks with re occurring chest infection and now he has a bad cold ? it is bad not just ?man flu?. I took DD out all yesterday and again this morning and when we got back H was up out of bed. He suggested a walk in the park as he wanted to get some fresh air. I agreed to go (somewhat reluctantly as had been at the park already). We were meeting up with PIL?s who had my 2 nieces with them. When we got there H asked if we were going to walk up to the indoor animal house thing we have in our park and I said I didn?t really fancy it (it stinks!) He turned on me and shouted (really shouted) if you don?t want to be here fuck off home or put your fucking face straight? Was a bit shocked at his overreaction and asked him to please not speak to me like that.

After we had been to the park we had agreed to go back to his mum and dads so the kids could play for a bit longer. When we got there he asked me to take him back home as he was not feeling well again and wanted to go to bed. I said that I wished he had mentioned this before we got there. He then flipped and said ? if you don?t want to fucking go don?t.? I tried to explain that now I had promised DD she could go and play then I would have to take her. He then went on to say ?shut up shut up shut your fucking fat ugly face I?m feeling like shit and I just want to go home. Just shut up and fucking take me home?

I?m really shocked by his outburst. I dropped him off at home. He used my keys to get on and came back to give me the keys where he started shouting really loud about how crappy he was feeling. I just started to drive off with the door still open as he was standing in it and e backed off and went into the house. DD was in the car throughout this outburst and asked me why daddy had been shouting so loudly. I told her he wasn?t feeling very well and off we went to PIL?s. We had been there about 10 mins when he phoned and apologised for shouting and calling me names

At the moment I don?t really know how I feel. I?m a bit numb. This is NOT his usual behaviour but he is not the calmest person in the world. He also suffers from hypertension and his blood pressure has been high recently.

I don?t know if I should pack a bag and take DD to my mums. We have been married 10 years. I?m thinking I should maybe sleep on this and see how I feel in the morning. What does anyone think? What would you do? I?m off to put DD to bed now but will be back later so please advise. I really don?t know if I should just chuck away 10 years of marriage or hang in and try and sort it out. I?m feeling really sad now. Starting to cry so back in a bit??.

I don't think anyone is saying his behaviour is acceptable or should be condoned. OP you have nothing to feel guilty for and I'm sorry if you felt from some of my posts that you should feel guilty. That was not my intention.

I think your suggestions of talking to him and the outcomes you feel you need sound perfectly reasonable and are what I would do.

I do still stand by what I posted but I could possibly have been more sensitive about it.

Don't worry JAMM. Thanks for your last post.

DH has apologised again today and has said he was a "dick" and an "idiot". I have accepted his apology and agreed to see how it goes. But when i got home tonight he was really short and snappy. I've said again that he needs to think about how he speaks to me. Need to see how it goes when he is physically well i suppose.

BBT I am heartened by the fact he has at least apologized - at least he recognises this is wrong.

I know there's no quick fix but it sounds like there are lots of possible causes and none of them are you.

I've not had to deal with this in my marriage, but I have had to deal with it at work (I work in management and HR). There is invariably an underlying cause when people's behaviour changes suddenly. You are doing the right thing highlighting it to him. Ignoring it is the worst thing because people then get confused about the boundaries and things quickly get out of hand that way.

How are you feeling now? Is anyone looking after you?

suggest he goes back to GP to get an MOT and sort his health out. maybe needs diff antibiotics, a chest xray etc

but even if ill he can take responsiblity for what and how he says things to you. he is in control.

make it clear swearing is off (unless youswear as well and dont mind it, but personally i dont think it appropriate language in front of a child... ).

telll him if he does behave like that again you will take dd and yourself off for the night.

and be prepared - if it happens again - to follow thru and take yourself and dd off to your parents for the night.

being ill we can all be short and snappy - but as the illness has now gone on for a while you need to sit together to decide how to deal with it.

maybe he needs a break. maybe he should go his parents for some R&R quietly away from kids?

but he needs to go back to GP get a proper diagnosis for his chest infection etc.

Just to offer a different point of view (apologies if I am repeating, no time to read the whole thread)....

When I read the OP my first thought was that it was perhaps a bit crap of you to be reluctant to go to the park and then to be picky about which part of the park you went to, when your DH has been ill for 6 weeks!

He's probably feeling really down, depressed from his physical state and also from the fact that he's had no quality time with his family. So he takes an opportunity to spend some time in the park with you, and you first are miffed because you'd already been to the park, then you don't want to walk where he wants to walk? I don't get that. Why not just be positive about the fact that he is up and out of the house, instead of being so picky yourself?

Perhaps these little things built up in his head, so that by the time you came to going to the ILs, he had just had enough and exploded.

I agree that it was no way to talk to you, and you should make that very clear, but I'm wondering if your somewhat negative approach to the whole family trip to the park may have triggered part of it?

I'm not getting at you, and forgive me if I have misread the situation - but this is the impression I got from your OP.

I think i was reluctanct to go. I had been there already with DD for 2 hours in the morning and it was cold and i was pissed off about having to go again. Sorry but that's how I felt. I had been working all week and looking after DD on my own as DH in bed. Was knackered and felt pressured to go because he wanted to. I still don't think that his reaction was justified and I hate the animal bit because it stinks and DD gets upset when we have to leave and i just wanted to avoid the trauma. He shouldn't ask a question when he already has the answer in mind and then be pissed off because the answer i chose was not the one he had in mind.

I have been very nasty when ill on occasion - I think if someone was ill for 6 weeks, they would be tired, bored, depressed, irritable etc etc.

What he said to you was totally out of line, however if it is ONLY because he is unwell, then I wouldn't make a huge issue out of it. Let him know it's unacceptable, but don't go as far as leaving. If it continues when he is well, then it is an issue.

BBT - I'm not suggesting it justifies what he said, just trying to offer a possible reason for his outburst. His being ill/depressed/tired/irritable as QueenofHearts2 said, plus you not wanting to go out = he lashes out.

No it doesn't justify his outburst, at all, but might go some way to explaining it, IYSWIM.

Not getting at you at all. Sorry if it came across that way.

sorry if feeling a bit touchy. didn't mean to come across like i was being arsy. I kwym and have told him how i feel. he has accepted he was wrong and we are ok now.