when I read the well-researched chapter Anne Sheffield's depression fallout about the damage that lviing with a depressed parent can do to a child, and how it can be mitigated - i knew it was the right thing to leave him...
when i heard the family therapist week after week say to him: "your depression is your responsibility (to get help for and manage)" - i knew i had done the right thing in leaving him
when i read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?" i finally understood that a lot of the issues were not mental health at all but abuse...
which perhaps explains why they didnt section him after he attacked me and our (disabled) son - because in the psychiatric unit he was calm and fine and was no risk to himself.... he was able to control himself when he needed to.
yes I too stayed for years trying to "make him happy"....
there are people who have sudden mental health crisis - a mother with PND, a father with PTSD or stress from a given situaiton.... there are people with long -term mental illness who manage it and seek the help they need. who take themselves off to the psych unit when they need it, call the CPN for help, up the anti-ds...
and there are those who seek to drag down everyone else with them and use the "poor me" excuse to abuse....
my exP was depressed, miserable when we were together - he blamed his depression on our son being disabled, on his job; then on not having a job when he chose to resign.
now, he blames the fact we dont live with him as the reason and tries the "if you only have me back and we were altogether as a family I wont be depressed" line.
at some point, with some people, they will be depressed whether you with them or not.
your "support" makes no difference to their well being.... they just drag you down too.
and when their depresion is slowly eroding your own mental health and well-being of the dcs, it is time to leave.
if you decide to dedicate your life to "caring for"/"suppporting" your mentally ill husband/wife/partner, then it may be at the cost of your children. you need a strong family set up with relatives/friends who can take on the children while you dedicate yourself to your "ill" partner...
such as the time on my daughter's fifth birthday when i spent the whole day with my (now-ex)P - holding his hand at the psychologist appt, taking him to GP, begging him not to self harm any more, wiping up the blood, listening to him crying... while my daughter was packed off to Macdonalds with the baby sitter...frankly, i should have sent the babysitter off with him.
there is always a fine line. it will always depend on the nature of the illness, sudden onset, whether it is combined with controling/abusive behaviour or not...
how easy is it to set the boundaries and how willingly the "ill" person will abide by them.
your adult partner is not your child - unless ill enough to be sectioned they are deemed by NHS as responsible for their own health. and for their own actions. you are fully entitled to say enough is enough.
if they refuse treatment or fail to address or recognize their issues and their behaviour is unliveable with - then there is no choice but to leave. epecially with children involved.
i do believe that living without the shadow of the black dog is the best thing i have done for the dcs. they deserve a nice childhood - it is not their fault their dad is depressed...
is not his fault either - but it is his fault he wont seek the right treatment for it and instead just continues to blame everyone/everything else. now it is text msgs: "no I cannot provide food for the children on my contact time with them: I am depressed dont you know!" oh ok, have you seen the GP?
"no what is the point?"
do not judge til you have been there....