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Original poster

compulsive liar

17 replies

changeychange · 14/11/2009 23:48

hi
im a regular but have namechanged for this...

my other half has issues with lying. i dont want to go into full details as it will take too long but basically over the course of our relationship he has
1/met up with a girl he was talking to online, then continued talking to her after promising me he wouldnt. about 6 times over two years. they arent in contact anymore
2/told a friend he was only with me so he didnt have to leave our pets
3/discussed leaving me for a female friend with said female friend. as far as i know, it was never a full blown affair, though im not sure i believe that
4/hidden what he drinks. i have found empty cans and bottles in our spare room, and reciepts for alcohol hidden in coat pockets
5/we are trying to pay off our debts, and he has taken out two new credit cards. i found out about one this morning which is why im posting
6/he fell out with his ex recently and i spoke to her about it and she said she is sick of his stupid lies. he told her we were getting married and my dad had paid for everything, then when the wedding didnt happen told her friend that they'd never spoke about our wedding. she said "on top of his usual lies" it was just the final straw

every time i catch him at somehthing he is upset and genuinely sorry, but he inevitably does something again.
his mum walked out on their family when he was young and then his last serious girlfriend cheated on him, so i know he has issues with relationships, and i dont want to make any rash decisions, but im at the end of my tether.
i dont know how to help him to stop doing such stupid things, i know he wants to be with me and is mostly happy with me, and i know the last year has been tough for him as he was made redundant and had to take a job for min wage to meet the bills.
sorry for the essay, does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 14/11/2009 23:51

He's a twonk dear, it's not your fault and there's nothing you or he can do. Don't expect him to change. If you can put up with all this shite then it's up to you, personally, he'd be out of my door quicker then I can say tosspot. Don't make any more excuses for him.

Alambil · 14/11/2009 23:55

"issues" with relationships are a choice - he can choose to use them as an excuse or choose to deal with and progress from them.....

totally your decision, but I'd be getting out

SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 14/11/2009 23:56

OK, his background is NO excuse for him being a twat. You decide how you are going to treat someone based upon how you feel about them, not based on how you might have been brought up. I've been cheated on and have dovirced parents, does that mean I will treat my DH badly? No way. It is simply not an excuse.

Those points from 1 to 6 are choices that he has consciously made. Nobody else is to blame, least of all you.

Easy to say but I think you need to get rid. You sound desperate to change him and this is something that you cannot do and you'll ruin your self confidence in the meantime.

Each time he treats you like crap or lies and you forgive him - that teaches him that he can get away with it.

You can't trust him with other women, money, telling the simple truth......honestly what's the point? You're giving yourself a lot of hard work for someone who doesn't respect you.

Original poster
changeychange · 15/11/2009 00:03

sorry, meant to say he worked for me for min wage. i know that really knocked his self confidence, though youre right, i shouldnt be making excuses for him.

money is still very tight, i cant afford to kick him out

OP posts:
SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 15/11/2009 00:08

If money wasn't tight would you still want to be with him? Or, regardless of the money situation, maybe you're not ready or able to face not being with him?

Original poster
changeychange · 15/11/2009 00:12

i honestly dont know

OP posts:
SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 15/11/2009 00:22

Well in that case, you need to work on yourself, there has to be a line where he knows what you'll put up with. Make yourself valuable, let him ponder why you're not paying him attention. The credit card thing, if usually you go mental and take a berky and end up arguing - this time stay silent, say nothing. Don't let him know a thing, let him wonder. Make him work a lot, act like you don't care? Get yourself out and about outside the home, hobby, seeing friends and family, let him take responsibility (with the kids or tidying up, whatever). Basically anything that stops him from taking you for granted.

That's just some suggestions. The real answer can only come from you and I think the more you can get your confidence back, the more clearly and quickly you will see the answer.

You don't need to stay for years and try to change him because in 5 years time, you'll still have the same problems with him. The only thing you can change is you.

mathanxiety · 15/11/2009 00:28

Money is going to be a lot tighter when he starts using those credit cards. He has a history of failed relationships and lying about serious things, plus cheating. He sounds like a lot of work, for what?? A vote here for getting rid of him. Do you think this is the best man you can find for yourself?

Original poster
changeychange · 15/11/2009 00:51

i dont think its at the leaving stage (at least not yet), it doesnt affect me on a day to day basis and although i know everything he does is up to him, i also accept that the last year has been tough for him.
when it is good, which is 99% of the time, he is the nicest, kindest person i know. he isnt emotionally or physically abusive in a way that would make me just leave, he just seems to have two personalities, one of which makes some stupid decisions.
i forgot to say, when i spoke to him about the new credit card earlier, he said he took it out to pay for a holiday, as he wants to treat me and just didnt think at the time about how the money side would upset me

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/11/2009 01:04

Why can't he treat you by being a nice everyday guy who doesn't lie to you? He goes for the grand gesture to make himself feel like some sort of big shot, changeychange. It's nothing to do with making you feel special. It's about him.

Original poster
changeychange · 15/11/2009 01:06

that is word for word what i've said to him!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 15/11/2009 01:27

Someone like this has to have drama in his life. He has to be the star of his own biopic. You are just one of the bit players. You enter stage left and exit stage right. He creates the drama by lying to you and engaging in risky, impulsive behaviour with money and other women. He gets a thrill from jeopardising relationships and having a constant flying-by-the-seat-of-his-pants relationship with money. He is somewhere else, emotionally, not in partnership with you. He is not a mature adult.

If you want to go to all the trouble of acting like his lost mummy and making him grow up somehow, beware of the possibility that he will then repay you by finding himself a gf or wife when you've taken him as far as you can. Or that he will forever be content to behave like a naughty boy, with you in the role of the mum he never had. This is his comfort zone. Have you ever asked him what he wants from your relationship? Why does he want to be with you?

SolidGoldBangers · 15/11/2009 01:55

You might find this thread informative.

groundhogs · 15/11/2009 11:19

Purely on points 2-5 I'd do the following:

pack his bags, take said bags (and pets) round to 'female friend's' house. He's only with you cos of the friggin pets? JEEEZ!

On top of that he's an alcoholic, and insolvent (or soon to be). WHAT A CATCH...

He may have issues, but you know what, if he treats you right, that's when it IS worth standing by someone, but he's a total knob, and isn't worth a second of your time.

Kick that twat out, regardless, you will manage. It may be hard but you WILL get through.

If you wait and wait till it gets to you on a daily basis, your self-worth will be so erroded, you won't be able to get out. You are already saying you can't afford to kick him out... well you can't afford to have him drag you down either.

Arwenwasrobbed · 15/11/2009 11:56

Kick him out - get a lodger !

nattiecake · 15/11/2009 13:53

have a look at this...

histronic personality disorder

there seem to be a lot of points that match up?

mathanxiety · 15/11/2009 17:06

Especially this section from that link.

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