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is he right?

6 replies

feelinglow · 01/06/2003 23:59

my dh and i are going through such a horrible time just lately. i feel as if this marriage is almost beyond repair so to speak. we used to be so much in love and happy i can't believe it has come to this. we spend our time bickering and argueing or not speaking for days on end unless we have to because of something domestic.he is constantly nagging me to get a job and saying things like if i had a part-time job then we could afford a bigger better house or better holidays etc etc. my kids are certainly not babies at 10 and 12 but i'm not ready to leave them on their own yet. my mom could probably help out abit but she is not particularly in good health and i could'nt expect her to have them on any regular basis why should she? it's abit to late in the day to start with childminders etc if i mention school holidays he will say something like get a job in school time then i don't think he realises that these jobs are like gold and when my kids are ill i like to look after them myself and alot of bosses don't allow for this. i'm not knocking moms who work my best friend works fulltime and has 4 kids and i think she is an inspiration. also i still pick up my kids from school and would have to make certain arrangements for that. i am unable to work in evening times because my dh works long hours and comes home at all sorts of unpredictable times because he runs his own business and he often has to pop out again for some errand or other and sometimes he works away. he is a very good dad but he has nothing to do with all the schooly type things, i do absolutely everything and run the house. his arguement is that because i don't work i should do everything in the house and he always makes snide comments if something hasn't been done. when he is away i feel so relaxed and at ease. i don't think he realises that just because they are not babies anymore that i don't do anything any more for example i am a taxi service for most of the time! if he leaves something lying around or doesn't put something in washing basket for example if i mention it he will say but you've got nothing else to do because you don't work. i just wanted to wait until they are a little bit older. the thing is i really would like a little job but i feel as if he's forcing me into taking anything.he is making me feel like a 2nd class citizen and my self esteem is very low. i just don't want to get a job just to please him i want to do it for myself if that makes sense. every single arguement we ever have ends up with him bringing up the job issue and he'll end up saying i'm a loser.(funny thing is when we met i earned twice as much as him but we agreed i should give up work to bring up kids etc) we always agree that we may as well split up if we can't get on and then he will say things like then you'll have to get a job or you'll end up with nothing. sorry to go on hope i don't sound really lazy and selfish. are there any other SAHM's whose kids are at school fulltime???

OP posts:

Bossanova · 02/06/2003 00:17

They never understand how much work there is to bieng a SAHM do they? Your dh sounds like he is taking all his problems/stress etc out on you. You poor thing! He is not being very supportive at the moment is he? I had a few years of being a SAHM with my dd at school as ds wasn't born til she was nearly seven. If we hadn't had ds I might have felt under pressure to work part-time by now.(It's not why I had him though!) Your dh needs to appreciate that you do have a job, a very important one - bringing up your children. It's just a thought but could he possibly be feeling jealous and resentful of the amount of time you are able to spend with the children? In his defence, he might just feel that all he does is go out to work to provide for the family, and doesn't get to spend time with you all. I hope you can work through this so that you are all happy again.


feelinglow · 02/06/2003 00:29

thanks bossanova. i suppose he could be resentful.i must admit it does'nt matter what the problem is homework, friends, any advice really they always come to me and he could be sitting right there it's sometimes as if i'm the only parent and i do actually have to say go and ask your dad. it never crossed my mind that he may be jealous

OP posts:

jac34 · 02/06/2003 08:14

Hi Feelinglow,
I work three days a week and have twin DS's 4.9yo.
Eventhough I work myself, I can understand your choice to be a SAHM, if we could afford it I would proberbly make the same choise myself.
From your post it seems that you can afford to stay home, it's just your DH wanting "more things". Does he realize that if you were not there at home to be relied on, then he would have to pull his weight far more, and guarentee being home at a certain time each night.
My boys are going to school in September, and although we will not have childcare costs anymore, the logistics of picking them up etc.,are going to get far more complicated, yet I've still had people ask me if I'm going to up my hours when they go to school (as if I don't do enough already).
I think if you WANT to take a job, then you should, but not feel forced to, or rushed into taking a job that is below your talents.
Perhaps you could consider a back to work course, for the mean time, perhaps explore, getting back into your old line of work with a refresher course, as you said you could earn more money than him doing this, that would proberbly really P him off. You proberbly haven't lost any skills and may have gained a few !!! Don't let him make you feel you have nothing to offer an employer, and don't be pushed into something your not happy with, afterall, he's the one wanting to change the original agreement !!!! You gave up your career to raise a family, you should be allowed the time, to see if you can get back to where you were in the job market, IF you choose !!!


doormat · 02/06/2003 09:11

Could you not work from home? One of my friends was very good with a sewing machine she used to make fancy cushions and bedspreads and sell them in a local shop. Other friends have packed envelopes, done Avon catalogues etc. You could still be a SAHM, ok the wages might not be near enough but could this be an option?


WideWebWitch · 02/06/2003 09:28

No, he's not right in terms of being nasty, taking advantage of your being at home (i.e. leaving clothes on the floor like a spoilt brat) and putting you down. It doesn't sound as if money is the real issue, I too think he sounds envious. But I think what you want is more important than being pushed into something by him and as he's behaving the way he is then no wonder you feel unhappy atm.

Do you want to work? If you do, could you look at the kind of jobs you could get and then talk to him about it from there, pointing out the differences it would make to your lifestyles - i.e. xyz job (your old full time one) would be realistic and would increase your joint income by £x but childcare costs (after school etc, school holidays)of £y would have to come out of your JOINT family income. Work it all out as accurately as possible. Ditto with a part time job, work out what you would bring home and definitely point out what you would NOT be doing were you to be working. For example, if you were to work while your children are at school then you will NOT be able to clean, shop, cook etc etc in the same way you do now. You would need him to pull his weight too.

I think in your position I'd be cross at the implication that my contribution was worthless and would be trying to financially quantify the work I do at home - i.e. x hours/week cleaning and housekeeping, x hours childcare, x hours cooking. I'd probably work it all out at the going rate and present it to him with a 'if I wasn't here, this is what you'd have to pay someone for my services'. And that's not including sex (Joking) Sorry, maybe that isn't helpful but I do think that sometimes men have no idea what women at home with children do and its value. I recently worked out that if I were to go back to work once this one is born in November, the first £13k (gross) of my salary would go on childcare costs for 1 x baby at full time nursery and 1 x 6yo, after school and holidays only - i.e the cost is £9k or something net and one of mine will be at school most of the day! In our case dp would be happy to be a SAHD but I would recognise that his contribution is worth at least £13k gross based on the above! More if he does anything around the house too, although I couldn't expect him to, having bleated on for years about how being a SAHM shouldn't mean all the housework as well as the childcare. (Damn!) It would still be worth my while to work if I were to pay childcare but I thought the calculation worth doing. I don't if know my ramblings are any help but good luck deciding what to do. And you're right, term time only jobs are like gold dust. Actually, they're less valuable than gold dust because the pay is usually crap.


jac34 · 02/06/2003 09:35

Another possibility, would be to do a childminding course, so you can still work from home. Thats if you havn't already had a guts full of looking after children !!!

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