The relationship is such a mess. Did I make the right decision?

[mightymumof2]

I have been thinking of posting for a while and checking the relationships talk hoping to read of someone in my situation so i would not have to.

Now I have decided to as I would really like to come across someone who may have gone through something similar and who came out the other end as a happy family.

Its a long story which im sure I could write a novel about but as this is MN i will keep it short....or try to.

My exP and I have two DC one school age one nursery. we seperated a few months ago. Before this he had been unfaithful a number of times over the years. It was always with the same person. It was not an affair as such but more a one night with this person in a space of a year.

He never told me I found out about it and the woman has been wonderfully entertained by my misery as she has wanted us to break up.

We have been to counciling together, he has been for counciling on his own. We got engaged as thing were going well. The last time it happened was over a year ago now however, I decided to end it because he seemed to have moved on but I just could not.

I am still so torn apart by this and although he has really tried and proved himself to me the last year I just could not stand the worry and the mistrust any more.

So after months of agonising over my decision and the heart ache that I was failing my children I made the leap and ended it.

Since him moving out it has been a real struggle he is having the children every second wkend and if he gets off work early will come and put them to bed.

Since we broke up he has asked if I would marry him now and put all this behind us. However, the last week I think he has given up as He just has not bothered being nice to me and in an arguement the other night hit me (this is the first time he has ever been violent)

I am just so lost because ultimately this was the man I was going to marry and spend all my days with and I still love him and am so desperate to have the solid family life for my children. But I can not change what he has done and I can not help that every day when the thoughts of what he has done (the cheating) come to mind I feel like my insides are being ripped out.

I think I have gone on for too long now so will leave it there but would be greatful if anyone who has had similar experience has any wise words.

Hello, do you think you would maybe benefit from counselling on your own?

Just over a year ago myself and DH went through a rocky patch after i found some text messages. To cut a long storey short things are sorted now. We went to relate together and i found it really helpful.

I think if you want to give it another go counselling will help you to deal with your thoughts in a constructive way instead of letting them destroy you. What your DP did was very hurtful but if he truely is sorry then you need to put EVERYTHING behind you and start fresh otherwise its just going to end up hurting you again. You need to trust him. The way you feel at the moment he's already guilty in your head. I know how terrifying it feels to start trusting again and he will need to reasure you everyday for as long as it takes.

Put engagement/wedding on hold, get counselling and take one day at a time.

Thanks Sandychick I have considered this and even if I never got back with him probably would be good because I need to deal with the hurt.

We went to relate too I tried trusting but everytime we would have a disagreement and I would get angry at him all those awful feelings would just come flooding back.

It does not help that even with contact numbers etc changed this women still manages to find a way to pop back up in our lives Its like she is obssessed.

So even if we sorted things she would still be there and always has been like she is poking us with a giant stick. Adamant that she is not going to let us get on with our lifes together.

I am normally a try and work things out type of person but, and it is a very big but....

He has been unfaithful more than once and when he doesn't get his own way he hits you. Frankly you are well rid.

Of course it is going to take longer for you to get over his infidelity. He always had control of that situation. As the person who has been cheated on you are always left wondering if it is going to happen again. You had no say in when it ended or started that was ultimately his choice. So it is quite normal to not trust him. Trust will come back when you feel that the probability of it not happening out weighs the chance that it might.

ugh, I wouldn't be trying to "work things out" with this mentally abusive, and then finally, physically violent man !!

you are better off apart, IMO

what will he do next ?

what is his hold with this woman he keeps having "one night stands" with ?

he wanted both of you, obviously. Why did you think that might be ok ? Would you be allowed to see other men, too ?

sandy, did you read the OP properly ??

Go for counselling for yourself, to deal with the hurt this man has caused you, and the grief about ending the relationship, but please forget about a future with anyone who would hit you.

What it looks like to me is that the exDP got impatient and angry with you really putting your foot down, and couldn't cope with the idea that you could say something and really mean it. You don't see it now, but he has done a big favour by showing himself in his true colours. Please let the truth set you free.

I don't think you should even be thinking about marriage to a man who has hit you

He is an absolute twunt. I would get out fast. I know it is hard when you love someone but he has no respect. Your kids will grow up thinking that it's ok to hit women. Not good.