how much do you put up with before you become a single parent

[teatank]

i have been with my partner 13yrs and have a 18mth ds with him. when i got home last night all dps possession were gone and when i eventually spoke to him he was in his sisters and not wanting to speak to me. we hadnt argued and thought our life together was fine. he decided he didnt love me and never has for 13 years. he has come back grovelling today and said he didnt mean it. but there must of been some truth in it. i have let him stay for the sake of my ds who i adore. he does this about every 2 years. i dont want to play god with my ds life and leave him without a dad but i dont think i can take this behaviour anymore. my ds deserves better. i am seriously considering for the sake of my ds. anyone been in a simalar situation. i would appreciate some advice

Teatank that's absolutely awful. There's no way you should have to put up with that kind of behaviour from p. That is very abusive behaviour and I'm shocked that he's doing this on a regular basis. At the moment your ds is only young but when he gets older he will become aware of what's happening and will be seeing you in bits on a regular basis.

Have you any idea of what this is all about?

Teatank that's absolutely awful. There's no way you should have to put up with that kind of behaviour from p. That is very abusive behaviour and I'm shocked that he's doing this on a regular basis. At the moment your ds is only young but when he gets older he will become aware of what's happening and will be seeing you in bits on a regular basis.

Have you any idea of what this is all about?

I was an idiot. I put up with so much.

Jeez teatank, that is awful. You couldn't go back to that. It'd be just a facade, freezing cold underneath the facade.

Initially, when you leave somebody, there is an overwhelming rollercoaster of adjustment which is hard. Telling people what's happened without crying, grieving for the fact that your child isn't going to be part of the most conventional family unit, coping with all the practical and logistical arrangments.... but before too long I swear to you, and to anybody else out there living with shit relationship, being single is no hardship. This seems to surprise a lot of people. I find being single a piece of cake compared to being miserable and walking on egg shells all the time, and choking on resentment.

My children and I have a spring in our steps now. There's peace and a happy atmosphere at home. Fewer of us, and less conventional, but what it is is real.

I hope that helps. Don't put up with it.

i just feel guilty everytime i look into my ds eyes. he loves his dad to bits and i feel so guilty at the thought of taking him away from him. i have my very ill father living with me at the moment. my p doesnt think i should be spending all my time taking care of my father and concentrate on my ds. i have devided loyalties to my ds and father. surely this isnt wrong of me. i feel so devastated

Well said Maggie. Being on your own is so much easier than dealing with relationship crap every single day of your lives. My family is not conventional either but ds is much happier now.

You don't deserve this Teatank. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, who will love you and respect you and be there for you.

maggiepie thankyou for your advice. i am just so scared of my ds will grow up hating me for taking him away from his dad. you sound like you made the right decision and your children sound happy. i hope i do make the right decision

Teatank, that is entirely normal, but trust me, you won't feel that weight of disappointment every day for the rest of your son's childhood.

My chidlren's dad sees a lot less of them now, but when he does come, he has to 100% parent them, instead of before, where I did everything (refer to the choking on resentment point) and he was just present.

But I do completely understand you. My X was appalling to me, there's no way I could have stayed with him, and in fact for the children's sakes, I had to leave, but the night I left I cried for him. The weight of HIS misery swamped my own.

I've bounced back a bit since then thank God Im no longer so in tune to all his needs and demands.

Nobody is stopping a separated father from being a good Dad. Honestly. It's more convenient under the same roof yes, but quite often, a mediocre dad will just be 'present' while the mum does all the parenting.

It is your perogative to end a relationship which isn't working (for either of you by the sounds of it). He wants the convenience of having you under the same roof, but he's already made it clear how he feels. Don't offer up your life as a sacrifice to his convenience. He can be a good Dad from half a mile down the road can't he?

Teatank I think your p is behaving like a little child then and is jealous of the attention you have to give to your df and ds. You are doing nothing wrong by looking after your df. You can actually do both without having to deal with a tantrumming grown man. Don't feel bad about yourself. If p can't find a way to deal with his concerns in an adult fashion then that's no reflection on you.

Take care of yourself though and what is happening with p now? Is he def back with you to stay?

lambypoo he is back with me at the moment but i have decided i am leaving. cant do it right away i am going to get some money together first. when i do leave i will show him the respect he showed me and just leave when hes at work then turn my phone off. let him feel the pain and anguish for a change. i need to leave so i can stay well and look after my ds and dad.

Good for you teatank. You have to value yourself.

And remember its its YOU who is meaning that your DS won't grow up with both parents present, its your DP. So, go easy on yourself, and don't feel guilty. You ARE doing what is right for your DS, DF and you.

Good luck, I will be thinking of you. x

thanks maggiepie and duke748 for your support. i am still in love with this excuse for a man (child) but even i have a cut off point. it will kill me to leave but i will do it. once ive made my mind up i stick to it.

Teatank you are being a really strong person even though I'm sure you don't feel it at the moment. You are making the right decision for yourself AND your ds in the long run. If he's done this before he will do it again and you will keep on getting hurt. Don't feel guilty - you've given him enough chances to sort things out. The problem clearly lies with him and not you.

It's sensible to get yourself together first before you leave. It will also give you time to mentally get your head round it, aswell as logistically.

Thinking of you and keep us posted.

Take care

So sorry to hear this, teatank. I'm with Maggie. I tried desparately to repair my relationship with DS's dad when it broke down, even though he had treated me appallingly. I now think I was mad to bother, and two years down the line, I can say that I would never go back, and DS is now happy and settled.

It has taken time to get to this point, but you do get there. And I would also say that, while your DS may experience understandable pain now at seeing less of his dad and not understanding why (although if you co-parent well together, he should still be able to see a lot of him), he will benefit from the much improved atmosphere between you both and - critically - respect you in time for your decision. He will learn that if you're treated like you have been by your partner, you simply don't put up with it. By leaving, you'd be teaching self-respect, and that's a valuable lesson.

Good luck. I understand it's hard.

lsmbypoo thankyou for your support. i dont feel like a strong person. inside i am mortified but i paint on a happy face in front of him,i would not give him the satifaction of knowing how hurt i am. i am a great believer in karma. i will keep you posted

thanks scrumplet. i think i feel so guilty cos my mum left me as a child so i know first hand how my ds may feel. i have a great relationship with my mum now and know the whole truth behind why she did it. hopefully my ds will understand when he gets older

Teatank.

If you are determine to leave then yes its best to have a plan. Have a look at entitled to and see what help you would be entitled. You say you are caring for your Dad. Would you be entilted to Carers Allowance?

I agree with scrumpet. It is your perogative to bail out of a relationship which is making you miserable, and actually, your partner has already really bailed out emotionally. He's moving back in for convenience now... to be under same roof as his son.

Also, you talk about presenting a facade. That is exhausting. And leaves you eventually so disconnected from the people you're busy presenting the facade too, that it is ultimately pointless anyway.

Don't worry about what your life looks like from the outside. fix it starting from the centre.

SO many people have said to me 'I wish my sister/friend/aunt/cousin/neighbour would leave and start again'. So, all that energy wasted presenting the facade, and it turned out that being admired me for starting again. People recognise the bravery in that I think. People know it's not easy to start with.