Have I missed the boat?

[Swolo]

I'm a 46-year-old single mum and, while I count my blessings in having a great relationship with my 10-year's old's dad, wonderful friends, plenty of opportunities to get out and about, I'm beginning to think I've missed the boat as far as relationships go. Apart from anything else, there are so few decent single blokes out there ? at least I never meet them! I tend to socialise in the same groups, rarely meeting anyone new, which doesn't help. When I go to parties, everyone seems to be in couples, which just depresses me even more. I was in a relationship with someone for three years, which ended in April 2008 and there hasn't been anyone remotely of interest since. Should I just give up and join a convent?

Do you actually want a partner? If so, it's probably a good idea to have a go at a dating agency of some kind - I'm not being agist (am 45 myself) but at our age, there are fewer opportunities to meet people who are available for couplehood should we want to, as most people tend towards at least the appearance of heteromonogamy even if they are having affairs all over the shop and hate their partners, so a lot of socialising is very couples-plus-single-friend.
I have heard good things about Guardian Soulmates. I can;t give you any personal recommendations as I really don't want a partner and am therefore not looking.

Yes, I do want a partner! Not just because that's the "norm" but because I genuinely enjoy sharing the ups and downs of life with someone else. I know it's not always plain sailing being in a relationship, particularly when there are kids involved, but I like having someone else to do things with, spend weekends away with, talk about my day with, be intimate with etc. I'd be happy to share a lot of those things with my friends but because they're all coupled up, it's hard even finding someone to go out for a drink with on a Saturday night these days.

OK (sometimes people think they want a partner when what they actually want is more/new friends eg some company.)
Given that you have opportunities to get out, maybe a two-way approach is best: have a go at online dating or somesuch and seek out groups or clubs dedicated to whatever your particular hobbies and interests are.

The thing that makes me a bit wary of on-line dating ? and maybe this is just me being paranoid ? is I don't like the idea of advertising I have a 10 year old daughter, in case I attract a paedophile! I know it sounds mad, but I was completely taken in by a married man once. He seemed totally genuine, intelligent, loving, sensitive etc, but it turned out he was living a double life. It totally took the wind out of my sails, and also made me realise that you just can't trust anyone, no matter how genuine they seem. Maybe I need to let go of my wariness a little, but I've also heard so many awful stories about internet dating ? ie liars, cheats etc ? and am just not sure I'm ready to put myself through all that.

Have you clearly put the word out with friends and family that you would like to meet someone? They may know someone they could introduce you to, and there is the added bonus that the person is 'known' so hopefully weeds out the loonies!

Does your work bring you into contact with anyone that might be a possibility? Always tricky to date at work, but many meet their dh/dp through work.

Do you do anything (like a hobby) that might bring you into contact with available men? A shared interest can be a good way to meet someone.

Are you always out with friends/in a group where meeting someone is unlikely? Might be good to do a hobby/take a class one night a week by yourself so that you are out in the evenings (presumably single men are at work all day), and alone (so can be more easily approached).

By the way, let me know if any of the above work because I'm single too!

Why would you need to advertise that you have a 10 year old daughter?

99.99% of people are just normal people, like you, looking for a partner, I would guess you wouldn't worry about telling someone you met at a party/pub/in the shops that you have a child, online isn't that different, just go into it with your eyes open and don't rush anything. As you would with meeting someone anywhere else

Some good advice there...particularly putting the word out with friends and family. That's a route I've never tried, but it's a good idea. I work at home unfortunately, which I think adds to my sense of isolation. I have tried the hobby/class thing, but after the first week when I realised there were no interesting men enrolled on the course, I had 12 weeks to sit through before I could enroll on another subject! It's quite a laborious way of meeting people!

having used internet dating a lot , and with four kids, i can honestly say that i have never attracted a paedophile out to groom my children

they have all been perfectly normal blokes

you just use common sense as you would if you met someone out and about

how would you know if they were a paedophile either? they dont wander about with a label announcing it

the huge majority of men are actually ok

But that's just it ? I wouldn't know they were a paedophile, just like I didn't know that guy was married! How has internet dating worked for you? Have you met anyone?

Has anyone got any advice on the whole internet dating thing? I've avoided it so far, but I guess I oughta take the plunge hmm

i am seeing someone atm so not internet dating, but i have had some really good times, made some good friends, no disasters

there is a thread on lone parents called where have all the men gone, where some of us post about stuff like that, have a look

i just dont think you can sit there thinking what if all the time, when the kind of stuff worrying you is actually not common

like i said the majority of men are just your average bloke looking for adult women to date

Out of interest, how did you meet the person you're seeing atm?

through facebook lol, we were both on someone elses and started talking

i am still friends with some of the men i dated before through online dating sites, one of them even babysat for me whilst i went to see the guy i am seeing now

OK most blokes are not paedophiles. However, it's a good idea to make your dating ad about you eg 'single mum blah blah but don't go into details about how many DC and definitely don't put photos of your DC on a dating ad. And if someone you start chatting with keeps on asking for more information about your DC, it might be better to block them.

swolo what lou says is right ime
alot has been said about online dating sites but alot can also be said about meeting a guy in your local...
it's v difficult as a lp to get out in the first place and if you're like the majority of us lp's then all your mates are married/in relationships so you're limited in the how to meet stakes iyswim
i would def.give online dating another chance but take things at your own pace and what you feel comfortable with,you will soon have a feel for perves and players believe me
i met/kissed many twats frogs before i met my lovely DP and even then i doubted that he was for real
and yes hop on the thread on Lp's the more the merrier

I will definitely get on to the LP thread ? this is my first time on mumsnet and I can feel an addiction coming on....

also agree with sgb's post
and whilst you shouldn't disguise the fact you're a mum neither should you go on about it iyswim
what sites have you tried?

i mentioned i had kids, but not how many or their age or gender

that kind of thing is saved for when i actually get to know someone

my profile was always about what i didnt want rather than what i was looking for, or selling myself

stating you have kids is enough

but really the main thing to remember is that most men are NOT PAEDOPHILES

I haven't actually tried any dating sites yet. One of my friends has offered to put me on mysinglefriend ? anyone been on that?

i used FRD
how did you meet the twat married man?

most of us on the lp men thread used or use pof i think

Am feeling very green now, but what are FRD and pof?

The married man was a friend of a friend's, who came to my 40th birthday party (6 years ago). He told me he'd left his wife, which was true ? they were physically separated ? but, unbeknown to me, he was still sleeping with her. After a year of having a relationship with me, he suddenly announced he was going back to her!

nice of him
FRD is friends reunited dating which is a paying site
POF is plentyoffish which is a free site

Aha! Thanks

swolo, have a look at the lone parent thread here

I did look at that, but it was a bit confusing ? seemed to have finished and couldn't work out where it started!