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3 replies

feelinglow · 01/06/2003 23:58

my dh and i are going through such a horrible time just lately. i feel as if this marriage is almost beyond repair so to speak. we used to be so much in love and happy i can't believe it has come to this. we spend our time bickering and argueing or not speaking for days on end unless we have to because of something domestic.he is constantly nagging me to get a job and saying things like if i had a part-time job then we could afford a bigger better house or better holidays etc etc. my kids are certainly not babies at 10 and 12 but i'm not ready to leave them on their own yet. my mom could probably help out abit but she is not particularly in good health and i could'nt expect her to have them on any regular basis why should she? it's abit to late in the day to start with childminders etc if i mention school holidays he will say something like get a job in school time then i don't think he realises that these jobs are like gold and when my kids are ill i like to look after them myself and alot of bosses don't allow for this. i'm not knocking moms who work my best friend works fulltime and has 4 kids and i think she is an inspiration. also i still pick up my kids from school and would have to make certain arrangements for that. i am unable to work in evening times because my dh works long hours and comes home at all sorts of unpredictable times because he runs his own business and he often has to pop out again for some errand or other and sometimes he works away. he is a very good dad but he has nothing to do with all the schooly type things, i do absolutely everything and run the house. his arguement is that because i don't work i should do everything in the house and he always makes snide comments if something hasn't been done. when he is away i feel so relaxed and at ease. i don't think he realises that just because they are not babies anymore that i don't do anything any more for example i am a taxi service for most of the time! if he leaves something lying around or doesn't put something in washing basket for example if i mention it he will say but you've got nothing else to do because you don't work. i just wanted to wait until they are a little bit older. the thing is i really would like a little job but i feel as if he's forcing me into taking anything.he is making me feel like a 2nd class citizen and my self esteem is very low. i just don't want to get a job just to please him i want to do it for myself if that makes sense. every single arguement we ever have ends up with him bringing up the job issue and he'll end up saying i'm a loser.(funny thing is when we met i earned twice as much as him but we agreed i should give up work to bring up kids etc) we always agree that we may as well split up if we can't get on and then he will say things like then you'll have to get a job or you'll end up with nothing. sorry to go on hope i don't sound really lazy and selfish. are there any other SAHM's whose kids are at school fulltime???

OP posts:

Tortington · 02/06/2003 00:32

tell him to work out the childcare for you and you will look for a job - if its so easy then he can sort it. tell him he should get a different job where he can help with the children - this would enable you to go to work, this puts the onus on him -
as it is he has the right as he sees it to have a go at you for sitting on your lazy arse all day while he does a full time job. tell him you will prepare for the workplace by volunteering at school - they always need readers and such, but when you do this he will have to pull his wight, you are not prepared to go out and start gaining the experience for your CV o that you can come home and look after two kids a house a husband and kids social stuff and other life shit.

tell him how it is - to pull a finger out - ask him to solve the situation not throw hurtful comments - ask him to help you solve it - it he is not willing to put the time in with you then maybe the situation is unworkable.

seriously though, your kids arnt going to need you at home for much longer - can you go back into the job market easily or will you have to volunteer or take part time wages?

and who does the bills? if he is spending money he shoudn't keep that nice little nugget for when he starts on you next time.

ask him to help you. if he wont - hes a tssr anyway and you are the better person - i know yu love him - but theyre all tssrs sometimes


morocco · 02/06/2003 12:44

couldn't agree more! Sounds like he's got so used to having you running around doing everything that he has forgotten all the stuff he used to have to do when you were both working(I guess you used to share stuff then?)

I'd also watch out for the next step which will probably be that if you do get a job and earn less than him then you have to make all the sacrifices (it'll be you that is expected to pick up the kids, do more cleaning etc etc)

Is it possible to sit down with him and discuss how you would share out all the jobs that will need doing if you go back to work f or p time? And make sure he's aware that you are both responsible in future for taking time off if kids need you at home/lifts to places etc?

That said, maybe a job would not be so bad if you
could find something you would like to do - perhaps now is the time to think about training towards something new?


runragged · 02/06/2003 19:04

I agree too. I can't offer any advice because I will go on and on and... suffice to say, ooops nearly started there!

Anyway I wanted to impart this piece of wisdom that cos wrote on one of the joke threads

Man comes home from work one evening to find the house in total chaos, breakfast dishes on the table, dirty washing everywhere, kids still in PJs eating rubbish and watching rubbish. He rushes upstairs to find his wife lying in bed eating choclates. Oh my god, says he, what happened?
Well you know when you come home and say "what do you do all day?
Today I did'nt do it

Hope this chears you up a little bit

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